BecomingTired
Member
- Feb 23, 2024
- 22
After cutting out the toxic friends I had due to SS advising me to do so, including other irl friends that I later realised was the exact same, I realised I just don't want to live anymore. I can't even find superficial joy in games or shows anymore without spiraling down to a series of depression and anxiety immediately after I finish, and the worst thing is that I know that I am objectively not a good person, I don't deserve anything that I heavily desired and it only created deep dark thoughts in my head I would never utter to anyone. I'm genuinely split on how to approach life moving forward, as I don't want to die, but at the same time it feels much more comforting than to live on like this. I just want to ramble somewhere in order to feel better to get it off my chest, I will try my best to not leak anything.
Don't read further if you don't want to hear me rambling about the early years of my life.
Don't read further if you don't want to hear me rambling about the early years of my life.
After my mom and dad split due to domestic abuse, my mom and I would move around a lot when I was about 4-5. During this time, she was heavily stressed and would take it out on me through beating me until she's satisfied or until I start bleeding somewhere; and constantly berate me for how bad I looked as a kid, her favourite line was telling me how I looked like "that one chipmunk with glasses" before laughing her ass off whenever I started crying, she especially loved to start chanting about it if she's mad and I don't give much of a satisfactory reaction to her just to see me cry. This wasn't made much better by the fact that I was ostrocised during primary school and bullied hard due to how unkempt I looked, so I never built any real social relationship until around the age of 12. Around 10 is when I first started having genuine thoughts of killing myself, as there was a bridge over a train track nearby one of our temporary home and school that I thought was high enough to kill me; though now that I look back on it, it probably was only high enough to break my bones. This was because of how this was around the time my mom decided to move in to a very ghetto area, with a very ghetto primary school.
Surprisingly at first I was actually well liked as it was also around the time of my first growth spurt, so I was taller than most kids there; however once people started to realise I wouldn't fight back out of fear, the dudes began to bully the fuck out of me every other day for being a lanky, progressively becoming more obvious and aggressive with their methods as time went on. Pulling my pants down in the middle the of the playground, spitting at me and my food, slapping the back of my head whenever they see me, grouping up around me to take turns insulting me, all sort of shit that honestly crumbled any self worth I had left to pieces but there was a specific incident that really made me feel suicidal during this time: I remember I fought back against two of them during recess and was called to the head teacher's office with my furious mother afternoon of that day. I tried to explain what happened, but the head teacher told me that she heard the story from the other kids' and scolded me for "picking on smaller kids", not sparing any thought on whether I could be the victim here. None at all. She just labelled me as a power hungry kid using my height to my advantage and sent me off with a suspension, I cried so fucking hard about it because it was then I only realised no-one cares about me.
All this leading to me developing attachment issues and being hyper focused on how I and the people around me look. The fact most of this is still fresh in my memory shows how my mind is still trapped in that period of my life.
I won't get into secondary school as I just don't want to talk about it. Horrible phase in my life.
Surprisingly at first I was actually well liked as it was also around the time of my first growth spurt, so I was taller than most kids there; however once people started to realise I wouldn't fight back out of fear, the dudes began to bully the fuck out of me every other day for being a lanky, progressively becoming more obvious and aggressive with their methods as time went on. Pulling my pants down in the middle the of the playground, spitting at me and my food, slapping the back of my head whenever they see me, grouping up around me to take turns insulting me, all sort of shit that honestly crumbled any self worth I had left to pieces but there was a specific incident that really made me feel suicidal during this time: I remember I fought back against two of them during recess and was called to the head teacher's office with my furious mother afternoon of that day. I tried to explain what happened, but the head teacher told me that she heard the story from the other kids' and scolded me for "picking on smaller kids", not sparing any thought on whether I could be the victim here. None at all. She just labelled me as a power hungry kid using my height to my advantage and sent me off with a suspension, I cried so fucking hard about it because it was then I only realised no-one cares about me.
All this leading to me developing attachment issues and being hyper focused on how I and the people around me look. The fact most of this is still fresh in my memory shows how my mind is still trapped in that period of my life.
I won't get into secondary school as I just don't want to talk about it. Horrible phase in my life.
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