Venting i can't talk to people at all and i'm so fucking over it

[dental]

even the most basic interactions with strangers give me this awful crippling anxiety. i can't have a normal conversation without feeling like my chest is going to explode. it's so unsustainable, and i hate myself so fucking much for not being able to function like a normal human being. it's like it sets off something in my brain that just blares alarms at me to get out, to leave the situation at any cost, and when i do that it switches to screaming at me to just die. this happens literally on a daily basis. i can't handle it anymore.

i don't know if it's related to my autism (which is possible, since that definitely plays a factor in not knowing how to communicate with people like i NEED to). i also have a social anxiety disorder diagnosis, but having that just makes me feel more helpless in a way. like i really am just at the mercy of my fucked-up brain chemistry, and it's not something i can try to fix or snap myself out of with behavioral adjustments.

it's so exhausting and i'm done with it. life is exhausting. i haven't actually attempted recently because i keep trying to tell myself to hold out and see what happens, but it turns out that "what happens" is just the same shit wearing down on me more and more with every day that i rot through.

 

[eatantz]

I feel your pain deeply, you've really summed up how I've felt my entire life. It so dehumanising to be alone around so many people, to hear conversations but know you will never able to partake. I also have autism and I still remember the disgust and pain I felt when I was diagnosed. It felt like I was stuck with this pain forever, since you cant get rid of autism. I cant speak to people either, even though I deeply want to.

My jealousy when I see people with friends and in relationships is crippling, why cant I be normal? why cant I be human? Social interaction is what makes humans and society but I cant seem to join in. Life is confusing and unfair and I'm stuck in the middle, but this site has helped me realise I'm not alone. I feel broken and useless but I'm learning its ok, like at the end of the day fuck it. I'm just going to try to do things I enjoy and when I can find my exist ill just do it and die.

I wish you the best, I hope you can find peace and happiness. Just know your not alone I'm 1000% with you, the struggle is real

 

[iloverachel]

I understand the struggles, being an outcast who was always shy and had social anxiety. its truly awful and I avoid social situations when possible. I hope you get better at it soon my friend