Venting Hope is still very much lost.

[onceremoved126]

I think I may start looking for someone else. I love my best friend with my whole heart, but we want to do completely different things. He wants to move on with his life and be better for himself and his family. I want someone who wants to dissappear with me, someone who wants to live a self sustained life away from society with me. Our desires are so different. I don't think we can even meet in the middle. I don't even think he wants to meet me in real life. I think he wants us to stay exclusively online friends because that means that cutting me off his life whenever he feels like would be extremely easy.

The truth is that I'm not that important to him. I'm not on his priorities, and the moment that he feels I'm being too much, he'll for sure leave me. He has his family, and I don't mean to say that he SHOULDN'T love them or anything, I'm just stating the facts.

Meanwhile, he means the world to me. If I didn't have him, I'll for sure be alone. I'm not really fond of parents, so anything that happens to them is not really something that concerns me unless it involves me. The only family member that I truly cared for died almost 10 years ago. I have no friends in real life, only acquaintances that I talk to and maybe hang out with rarely. I have managed to almost completely isolate myself from others. Except for him.

As I've said it many times before, I don't want to leave him. I can't bring myself to do it, and even if I could, I just don't want to. I love him way too much now. He has made me care about him past the point of superficially caring for others. He has made me realize that maybe I'm actually capable of feeling love for another human being without the selfish desire of being loved back. I'll love him, even if he hates me. I'll love him forever.

I love him so much I want him to leave me. I want him to be happy with what he wants, not with what I want. I know that he's capable of finding someone who'll give him what he desires. As long as he stays with me, that just won't be possible. I want to be with him, in real life, for the rest of our lives. I don't care if I never experience romance or sex ever in my life, I want to be with him. He makes me unbelievably happy, and I love him so much, I want him to feel happy, I want him to feel loved. I can give him love, but I can not give him the happiness he desires. I want to give him both, but if I give him happiness, I won't be able to give him love and vice-versa.

I really wish we both wanted the same things.

 

[hopeless08]

I've hit rock bottom, again.

To preface this, I want to say this. Moving countries was the WORST thing that could've ever happened to me. Even If I moved from a 3rd world country, to basically one of the best ones to live in. I hate my life here.

I've been living outside of my home country for almost 5 years. I finished highschool here. That's not an issue in it of itself. The issue comes with my adult life. I am now 20 years old, still living with my parents (who physically and psychologically abused me for a while, and to this day, they refuse to acknowledge it) with no job, and on their second year of dropping out. Only 1 friend irl that I'm not close to at all, and 1 online friend, who has his own issues. No partner or prospects. No hobbies other than mindlessly spending money on a 3d gacha game. No therapy available for my bpd. Every therapist rather retire than try and give therapy to an autistic inmigrant who doesn't speak their language. I currently suspect that I might have some form of depression (I'm guessing it's dysthymia, again).

I honestly wish I could say that I want to kill myself, but even comitting is WAY to big of a hassle. I just want to die. I have lost everything. I am a selfish piece of shit, who can't seem to understand that my life is a burden for everyone around me. I am a complete faliure. I'm certain that if I try to kill myself, I'll fucking survive because I'm that much of a faliure. I hate myself. I want to get myself out of my body just so I can properly (and literally) kill myself.

My heart and my soul are filled with hate and anger. I hate everyone and everything that is not my two friends, my dog and my material possessions.
I cannot live a normal life in this fucking god forsaken hell hole that I live in. I hate everything. I want to leave. I want to do what I want. I want to become a writer. I want to get a lobotomy, I want to forget that I ever existed. I want to die. I can't take myself, I fucking hate myself.

I am done, I am done with my life, all I do is suffer. No one needs me, I am useless to everyone. I feel like my brain is rotting, I feel like my brain is fried from everything I've been through. Everyone hates me and I hate everyone. I just can't seem to catch a break. I want to kill myself, but I just can't.

I just... I just wish that I could just die in my sleep tonight. I just want for my brain to stop working, for my heart to stop beating. I want to wake up in my happy place from the nightmare that is my life.

I just want everything to stop.

Im so sorry you're suffering this much
I can tell how much pain you're in and I wish I could say something to make you feel better…. Just know that you're not alone

 

[AkaRed]

Hey, if you use discord, mine's sasa_kaida. If you use smthn else, I am more than happy to provide my tag if you need someone to talk to.

You won't be pushed away.

I feel the exact same, and everything you've said here has resonated with me, too.

<3

 

[hopeless08]

Hey, I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and clearly you care a great deal about this friend. It might be easier to give him some space for him to resolve his own challenges before trying to talk to him.

This is a safe space to vent and if that helps, go for it.

I agrée it seems like your friend needs some space but not because he's sick of you or thinks you're a burden but he can't help you and you can't help him. You both need some time and space to work on your issues

 

[onceremoved126]

Maybe it's not that I lack the recognition. Maybe it's just that I suck at everything that I do. I'm not even mediocre at anything that I do, I just fucking suck. I have no talent, and I'm a waste of space and resources. I really should just kill myself. If I can't survive being a good for nothing in this world that we live in, then I should just die.

 

[onceremoved126]

Maybe I'll allways be alone. Maybe my destiny is to rot away by myself with no one to ever care for me.

 

[onceremoved126]

Maybe if I died he could finaly be happy.
What do you do when you hurt the person that you love the most? What do you do when you keep doing it again and again? I hate doing that, I hate myself. I wish I didn't do this, I wish my mind wasn't irrational. I wish I would realize that I could hurt him before I actually do.
Unrelated, but please don't suggest me things to do/not to do or stuff like that. I use this thread to vent on what I feel about certain situations in my life. What I feel may o may not be what is actually happening. Sometimes I just need to drain myself from those thoughts and that's it. I am a suicidal mess that has a lot of ugly thoughts thanks to my bpd, I really don't want an outsider's opinion to throw me for a loop. I know that I should just get therapy, or a diary or the notes app, but I feel more anonymous here than in any of those places.

 

[onceremoved126]

I'm currently considering hurting myself instead of sharing my emotions.

I'm currently in the process of moving back to my home country and the stress is taking a huge toll on my mental health. I am autistic, so these changes are completely destroying me.
The stress is so high that I've confronted my parents about the abuse that I suffered from them when I was 15 (they denied most of it, it's a long story, really) and that put me on thin ice with them. I also said some things to my bestfriend that I regret, hurting him. This is why I have decided to hurt myself instead of hurting others. Just untill everything is sorted out and I can live normally again.

I won't cut myself because I have an extreme low pain tolerance, and I don't want to accidentally catch an infection or something. Maybe just hitting myself on inconspicuous places as to not raise any questions. I also won't be telling anybody about this, I'll keep it to myself and this website.

 

[onceremoved126]

One of the things I hate the most is how love makes me feel, especially these days. Hating is easy, but loving is hard.

I love my dog. He's brought so much joy into my life. I hate the fact that he won't be here for long. I hate the fact that he loves my dad more than me. I love the little one so much that it drives me to push him away. The worst part is that he's a dog. He doesn't understand complex human emotions, let alone mental issues. He might think I just don't like him that much, and that isn't true.

I love one of my friends, I don't want to leave her. I was in love with her for so many years, and she showed me that I was still capable of love. Sometimes, I wish she'd fallen in love with me, too. I was so lonely, and she saw inside me and didn't push me away. She never got to know the awful me. I wish I never told her my feelings. I love her so much that I still want to be with her, even though I'm not romantically into her. I ruined my relationship with her forever.

I've spoken many times about my best friend here. I really love him, I love him so much it's destroying me. I love everything about him. His good side, his bad side, everything. I love him so much it pains me that one day he'll have to leave me. I don't want to be with anybody else but him, and I know that he doesn't feel the same. I know he's going to find a replacement, I just hope that is later than sooner. I know I'll be a burden to him if he ever gets into a relationship. Everyone wants romance, I simply can't compete with the idea of romance. Sometimes, I wish him and I were in the same headspace. I don't want to be in a sexual/romantic relationship with him. I want to make my life with him. I truly feel that him and I are soulmates. I love him very much. Lately, I've been splitting on him, and I hate it. I hate that I feel that he's ashamed of me and looking to replace me when he has told me many times that that is not the case. I know he'll get tired of it, and I wish I could just make those feelings go away. I will tell him about my how it's affecting me. I know that what I need is reassurance, and I know that we'll reach an agreement on what to do. I know is a bad combo that I'm splitting, and he's burnt out. I just really hope we can reach an agreement. I love him very much, and I deep down, despite of everything, know that he loves me too.