Venting fucking hate summer + dissociation

[synthcadia]

i swear, ever since i got back from finland, i've been depressed and dissociated. this week was horrible. (well, last week ig.)

i just was curious and i tried to "face" my trauma but every time i try to think about it i get overwhelming fear. i found some DMs and was just super dissociated for a few days. watched baby reindeer and it took everything in me to not to cry bc it was too triggering. (i was with my mom.) the way the trauma is described… it hit too close to home. it was pretty much how i felt and acted too. now i'm a hypersexual with multiple mental health conditions and trust issues. (^:

on another note, i probably have an ED. ik like saying it makes me aware, but my thinking is that if i'm thin, then maybe that'll make me less depressed. idk.

lastly, i fucking hate summer!!!! i have no friends irl to hang out with, and i am stuck on my property. i feel sad doing anything alone and i don't have much money. i just want to cry.

i wanna not be lonely, i want to be pretty, and i wanna not be depressed.

i hate this life. and i'm scared again to go back to therapy, cause i feel like i deserve all of this.

lastly, lastly, i just wanna be successful. i'm a vtuber and i swear to god, i feel like i fucking suck even though i know i just need to get the ball rolling. but i'm scared to do so. i just gotta do it.

i swear to god this life is not worth living, it's so hard to envision the future.

i wanna ctb so badly sometimes.

 

[Begotten]

I can relate to that, I fucking hate summer too lol

And I live in a tropical country, what makes it even worse

 

[Lost Magic]

Sorry you are going through those feelings but you are not alone. Summer is so long and stressful and the days feel endless.

 

[gazap]

I can certainly relate to this. I see everyone going outside, enjoying summer activities with their friends while Im pretty much bed bound. And, to make matters worse I have developed a skin condition called melasma which makes me allergic to the sun. If Im out in it my face becomes stained with hyperpigmentation. Fuck I cant wait for this existence to end

 

[AnonThinker]

Summer is the pits. It's hot, it's sticky, you can't cool down and your beer gets warm too fast.

Being skinny won't necessarily bring you happiness or make you less depressed. ED can lead to health problems if you let it get too far and get too thin. My mom had an ED when she was about 18/19. She lost all her teeth.

You don't deserve all that's happening. Nobody deserves it. If you feel you want to go back to therapy then do it. You are allowed to help yourself.

As for career wise, I had google what a vtuber is. If you're good with graphics and vtuber doesn't bring in enough money in the beginning. Can you work in a line of work that aligns with your graphic skills? Until you become super successful.

 

[synthcadia]

I can relate to that, I fucking hate summer too lol

And I live in a tropical country, what makes it even worse

yeah… i definitely used to love the summer cause i had friends to hang out with and i went to the beach every summer but… yeah not anymore. part of it can't be controlled (my mom has some issues that restrict where we go without extensive planning) and then some of it is my fault…

Sorry you are going through those feelings but you are not alone. Summer is so long and stressful and the days feel endless.

thank you, glad i am not alone… yeah all of the days have been blending together…

I can certainly relate to this. I see everyone going outside, enjoying summer activities with their friends while Im pretty much bed bound. And, to make matters worse I have developed a skin condition called melasma which makes me allergic to the sun. If Im out in it my face becomes stained with hyperpigmentation. Fuck I cant wait for this existence to end

oh god that's awful… yeah with that then you can't go outside even if you wanted to… i'm so sorry about that gazap…

for me i see people outside and i do my walks and stuff but i feel lonely doing things by myself… but i don't have anything like that, so that is 1000000% much harder…

Summer is the pits. It's hot, it's sticky, you can't cool down and your beer gets warm too fast.

Being skinny won't necessarily bring you happiness or make you less depressed. ED can lead to health problems if you let it get too far and get too thin. My mom had an ED when she was about 18/19. She lost all her teeth.

You don't deserve all that's happening. Nobody deserves it. If you feel you want to go back to therapy then do it. You are allowed to help yourself.

As for career wise, I had google what a vtuber is. If you're good with graphics and vtuber doesn't bring in enough money in the beginning. Can you work in a line of work that aligns with your graphic skills? Until you become super successful.

yeah, at least i am in air conditioning and have a pool. just wish my friends weren't abroad/far away…

yeah, i swear i will not become like eugeina cooney or anything. i'm currently 119.4 and i want to get to 108 so i am still within the "healthy weight" range. i am not into being thin like bones… also i don't binge so that's one way to keep my teeth. (i am against binging bc u will lose your teeth that way.)

i'm scared to go back to therapy because i had 2 bad therapists (one yelled at me and the other invalidated and gaslit me about being SA'ed). but yeah… i should try again… idk, when i feel down i just have no inclination cause i feel like i can get through this myself… i have done this before and can do it again… also i'm cheap, but the copay is $40 so that's not too bad. i can go once or twice a month. i just need to get a schedule and will myself to do it.

at the moment, i'm doing freelance stuff but i'm going into a law field. my parents would be disappointed in me otherwise, and my graphic art skills aren't too great, though i am trying to learn how to draw. but i know how to edit a bit. (it just takes me forever bc of my eye strain and migraines.)

ty for the message btw (all of them).

i know i'm down because of my period but also just regular loneliness. i hope i can get better soon, like i think streaming will help. but just yeah… only i can really make things better.

 

[jbear824]

I also truly despise summer.

I have the opposite of SAD. While winter makes many depressed, that's what summer does to me. I hate the heat, all the increased activity. The expectation that you are supposed to be outside and happy. That sunlight is going to cure all your ills.

I also have a severe phobia of insects. All insects, even fucking nasty butterflies. So I don't like to leave the house. And basically, I feel like I just stop existing during the summer because I don't want to engage with the "summertime fun".