Venting Changes and a Second Chance for Life

[Ethernatuskoi]

Not long ago my life started to change, but my thoughts remain the same and I really want to kill myself to end this hellish cycle that I am forced to live every day. I want to stop feeling so bad most of the time. Sleeping was the best option for me, because when I was sleeping, I was able to forget my problems and I didn't feel bad, but now I can no longer sleep all the time because I started going to college, this is currently the most relevant change that has occurred in my life. I started a graphic design college, because it's something that interests me, but at the same time, everything seems to be very complex and difficult. My parents wanted me to find something to do, be it getting a job or studying, and here I am, studying something I like. This seems good, because not everyone has the same opportunity and I personally lived a privileged life with a family that loves me very much and gave everything i wanted, but at the same time, they don't want me to be a failure or show signs of weakness, and That's why I never told them about my depression. I really don't want to become an extra problem for them.

In the end, even though I'm doing something I like, I feel like I have no future. I don't trust myself or my own abilities. Some friends of mine say that I'm talented and that I'm an incredible person, but I can't think the same way as them, but even so, I'm going to give life a second chance. I'm going to try hard to finish college and get a stable job, but if I don't succeed, if I fail at absolutely everything, I'll be seen as a lost cause for my family, and then, to end it all at once, I'll kill myself. Nothing else will matter at this point, so I better be prepared.

Anyway, this is just a rant and a reminder to myself. Because if everything goes wrong, I won't try again, and it doesn't matter if they say I'm young and that I have a long life ahead of me, I just don't want to keep feeling bad all the time and like a failure ;)