(vent) I shouldn't ctb bc of my family but I am so exhausted

[slightoverlooked]

if i died it would set back my younger brother in education and growing up. he's 8 now and i would ruin his life. not only that my siblings would lose my mother. she would either khs or be so mentally damaged that she wouldn't be able to be a functioning mother. my mom tirelessly works so hard for my siblings, me included, and she does sm for everyone without ever taking a break for herself. i can't die yet. but i want to die.
A partner would be the only thing that could convince me not to ctb at 25. but yea idk if that is gonna happen. maybe i have to wait to ctb but i dont want to wait. but also do i rlly want to die? could it be that I'm just rlly tired and exhausted?

I'm seeing my therapist tmrw but I have been holding all of this in and I felt so overwhelmed bc a close friend of mine kept venting abt triggering stuff so I just said I'm taking a break from them and just being on social media in general. I rlly need a break and focus on myself I am so exhausted. I just wish I had a partner I could feel safe with. sigh. anyway, i dont need anyone ig I can survive all this bs alone and I will hopefully come out of it stronger.
I was close to ordering SN ngl but I know I am too impulsive I would ctb in an impulsive emotional moment and that's not how I want to die. I am going to be honest with my therapist tmrw and she wont section me bc she doesn't like closed wards and thinks it wouldn't do me any good. I haven't seen her in some time but I think just saying everything unhinged will feel better.

also tbh if i ctb right now it would be so stupid bc i have a huge vacation booked for September and i am going to 4 cosplay conventions so I have to stay alive or this would all be wasted money ;), right?

 

[soulkitty]

Man I can relate so deeply. I'm staying alive for my little brother too because I know it would fuck up his life and mental health so much. Also same thing with my mom, she probably wouldn't be able to function anymore and the thought of affecting them like that tears me up inside. I'm sorry you're so exhausted just existing can be incredibly hard. It can be hard to be by yourself without a partner, I remember you replied to my thread a long while ago with tips of how you were able to cope and things you did when you had to be alone and it helped me a lot. Ahhhh 4 cosplay conventions!! I hope you have a good time in September that sounds like so much fun. Wishing you luck and that you're able to feel less shitty and exhausted soon

 

[whywere]

To both @slightoverlooked and @soulkitty both of you are SO FANTASTIC! I say this for reference, I am 68, and I struggle each and every day for 68 plus years and after finding SaSu and what I call my family, as we are all in this together, both of you are part of what makes this site such a kind, caring and giving family.

Reading both of your posts, made me feel so good, knowing that we all have our own struggles, BUT we are all pulling TOGETHER which makes life for me, so much better.

THANK YOU to the both of you for being here and have a wonderful day!

Walter

 

[neverLoved]

Feel you, I have to keep going for my mother and sibling. Don't even wanna know what would happen to her if I CTB. She works so hard and has always provided for me. Besides that for once she is actually living and getting her life together after decades of abuse. She has been the happiest I have ever seen, but here I am.

I recently received my SN and since I have got it the temptations have been very high. I would recommend to not order it if you are sn impulsive person,

Great to hear that you have things to look forward to, wishing you the best!

 

[Death is my goal]

i used to feel the same during my early suicide years, later on this won't be an issue. personally speaking.

 

[slightoverlooked]

Man I can relate so deeply. I'm staying alive for my little brother too because I know it would fuck up his life and mental health so much. Also same thing with my mom, she probably wouldn't be able to function anymore and the thought of affecting them like that tears me up inside. I'm sorry you're so exhausted just existing can be incredibly hard. It can be hard to be by yourself without a partner, I remember you replied to my thread a long while ago with tips of how you were able to cope and things you did when you had to be alone and it helped me a lot. Ahhhh 4 cosplay conventions!! I hope you have a good time in September that sounds like so much fun. Wishing you luck and that you're able to feel less shitty and exhausted soon

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I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing :(( It can be so tough to stay alive for others but it just doesnt feel right to make my family go through this.
Also it genuinely makes me so happy to hear that something I said helped someone on here.

Thank you sm I am definitely looking forward to all these cool events just gotta make it through 1-2 months of uni

Feel you, I have to keep going for my mother and sibling. Don't even wanna know what would happen to her if I CTB. She works so hard and has always provided for me. Besides that for once she is actually living and getting her life together after decades of abuse. She has been the happiest I have ever seen, but here I am.

I recently received my SN and since I have got it the temptations have been very high. I would recommend to not order it if you are sn impulsive person,

Great to hear that you have things to look forward to, wishing you the best!

Thank you for the best wishes I wish you the same!!!
Its so hard to keep going for others but I know my mother would never give up on me no matter how horrible I feel. Nothing worked to convince her and now I am just trying my best to recover and not even see suicide as an option but its hard :((