Discussion Which of your lost/diminished capacities make you the most suicidal?

[_Gollum_]

I feel that over the years I have just lost, and lost, and lost, namely in my capacities, both mental and physical.

Mentally, the loss that hurts the most is my ability to learn languages and just learn things in general/be curious. I also find myself very apathetic and unable to care about a lot of events in my country and around the world. My memory is also shot to the point where it's a running joke in the family that I don't remember anything.

Physically, recurring episodes of anorexia and bulimia have left me with metabolic issues and GI issues, among others. It has taken from me my beauty, my youth, my fitness, and my ability to gain any of that back. I now feel physically limited in a way that no 25-year-old who is otherwise healthy and non-sedentary should. I feel my age in my bones; I have not been able to handle things like minor lack of sleep since I was about 20. I just can't fight my body anymore.

What about you guys? What loss in capacity hurts you most?

 

[unluckysadness]

I have multiple physical and mental health issues too, and I think it's a mix of several things that makes me suicidal. But in the end, I think that severe anxiety is the worst. I could manage 2 or 3 issues (even my neuromuscular disease) I think, but when EVERYTHING is fucked and when you are just here to survive with constant pain, thinking about suicide is logical. And when I go out (just to pick up some packages), I see people who just live normally (driving, having friends, no pain, ...) it makes me more suicidal. Isolation is not good at all but seeing people happy is maybe worse in my case.

 

[itsgone2]

Memory also bad for me. I've had severe issues with insomnia that I'm sure are to blame. Also learning in general. I'm not the same I was before. Everything is cloudy now.
Physically just tinnitus. Although it's gotten worse lately and is becoming a concern.

 

[die2live]

Memory, clear speech, all cognitive skills basically. Rapid ageing due to stress. Inability to socialise

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The loss of the ability to maintain interest in anything and focus on activities for more than a second without getting distracted by anything which comes across my senses is painful.

 

[shampoo sniffer]

Lack of socialisation skills. I'm actually fairly healthy otherwise.

 

[katara]

Memory also bad for me. I've had severe issues with insomnia that I'm sure are to blame. Also learning in general. I'm not the same I was before. Everything is cloudy now.
Physically just tinnitus. Although it's gotten worse lately and is becoming a concern.

I can't learn a language. I see ppl on here always talking about playing games with each other, vc, learning languages, all things I never get to experience

 

[vig919]

To laugh and get lost in the moment.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Loss of confidence and social ability. Also loss of athleticism. Working out hard requires belief in yourself and a future. It's all gone. I'm only alive in the bare physical sense.

 

[SoulCage]

Mostly my cognitive abilities. I believe I am in a constant state of exhaustion because complex thinking is too much and my body triggers the "go sleep" response. I am very slow with everything and I can't multitask. Exactly what makes me unable to work for the capitalist system and ensure my survival.

I was lucky, because I was kinda having a good brain in school and met my bf there. Many years later, he still supports me and ensures that I don't have to completely sustain myself alone.
But I feel like such a burden. And I don't know how much longer I want to feel so dependent.

So yeah... Pretty sure that most of my hopelessness comes from my weak brain.