Venting When I was younger I used to punch myself in my face when I felt like people didn't like me

[monetpompo]

i hate myself!!!!!​

I thought it would make them happy if they saw me hitting myself over and over because I was hitting someone they didn't like. In movies, when someone annoying got injured or sad, people would like it because they wanted them to get hurt. My mom liked to yell at me when I was younger because she was angry all the time and I was forgetful and clumsy. I was the worst child because I kept on getting yelled at, so I wanted to hit myself over and over because I felt like people were disappointed or bored of me.

My mind feels like it's reverting back to that state. I'm pretending to be normal but I just want to lash out and yell at people. I'm having more violent intrusive thoughts again about hurting other people and myself, and I want to hit myself over and over to restrain myself. I know it still does nothing the same way it did when I was younger, but I want to receive punishment for being so ungrateful of everything I have and wanting to hurt people that are happier than me. I can't understand why people are happier than me, because I see their mental state as completely different from mine now. Killing myself would be doing society a favor because I feel completely meaningless and I don't care about anyone around me. I don't want to talk to my friends. I don't want to go out. I don't want to spend money on things I don't need. My whole life has been spent as a comedy act to my sister, who's more successful and motivated than I could ever be. I feel like I just deserve to die. I used to argue with my friend that he should stop lying to me and tell me that he hates me already, because I know he does and he's just hiding it from me. I cut him off now. I sent him an email after blocking him on everything. If I leave him unblocked, I'll just talk to him anyways.

No one should talk to anyone like me. I don't want him to talk to me because I know that I'm going to kill myself soon and I'm just going to hate him more and more. People like him. He should just replace me like how everyone else replaces me. It's so easy to fall out of contact with everyone in your life. People will just stop thinking of you eventually or assume you don't want them around when you don't message them for a while. I just hate this feeling that I'm a burden and that the only real worth I could provide to this world is making and spending money. I don't want to do anything with my life anymore. I'm a loser and no one even likes me. I want to start punching myself in front of someone again, even if it makes no sense. I just want someone to enjoy my suffering so that it finally has value. I don't know how many times I can rewrite my suicide note. It'll still be worthless because it's coming from me. I feel like a sick freak for wanting to mean nothing to everyone around me.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I thought it would make them happy if they saw me hitting myself over and over because I was hitting someone they didn't like. In movies, when someone annoying got injured or sad, people would like it because they wanted them to get hurt. My mom liked to yell at me when I was younger because she was angry all the time and I was forgetful and clumsy. I was the worst child because I kept on getting yelled at, so I wanted to hit myself over and over because I felt like people were disappointed or bored of me.

My mind feels like it's reverting back to that state. I'm pretending to be normal but I just want to lash out and yell at people. I'm having more violent intrusive thoughts again about hurting other people and myself, and I want to hit myself over and over to restrain myself. I know it still does nothing the same way it did when I was younger, but I want to receive punishment for being so ungrateful of everything I have and wanting to hurt people that are happier than me. I can't understand why people are happier than me, because I see their mental state as completely different from mine now. Killing myself would be doing society a favor because I feel completely meaningless and I don't care about anyone around me. I don't want to talk to my friends. I don't want to go out. I don't want to spend money on things I don't need. My whole life has been spent as a comedy act to my sister, who's more successful and motivated than I could ever be. I feel like I just deserve to die. I used to argue with my friend that he should stop lying to me and tell me that he hates me already, because I know he does and he's just hiding it from me. I cut him off now. I sent him an email after blocking him on everything. If I leave him unblocked, I'll just talk to him anyways.

No one should talk to anyone like me. I don't want him to talk to me because I know that I'm going to kill myself soon and I'm just going to hate him more and more. People like him. He should just replace me like how everyone else replaces me. It's so easy to fall out of contact with everyone in your life. People will just stop thinking of you eventually or assume you don't want them around when you don't message them for a while. I just hate this feeling that I'm a burden and that the only real worth I could provide to this world is making and spending money. I don't want to do anything with my life anymore. I'm a loser and no one even likes me. I want to start punching myself in front of someone again, even if it makes no sense. I just want someone to enjoy my suffering so that it finally has value. I don't know how many times I can rewrite my suicide note. It'll still be worthless because it's coming from me. I feel like a sick freak for wanting to mean nothing to everyone around me.

I'm sorry you just want friends. The truth is no friendship truly lasts except if you marry your best friend, and even then it's not a guarantee. I don't know to make friends with anyone... The only friends I've ever had were partners and that's all they ever wanted

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I can really relate to a lot of what you said. I should know by now but I'm still surprised to read someone's thoughts on this site and it's things I thought was just me being odd and no one else was like that.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hiii. I did the hitting thing too, still do, I'm sure you are not alone in that. As a kid I punished myself a lot in front of people when I did the smallest mistake or disappointed anyone. I
showed up to my parents with toys or things I held dear destroyed by me as a way to say hey we are good now? I paid for it! but they didn't like me doing that At All , which just fed into more guilt and desire for punishment. But I couldn't do that cos they'd get mad! for some reason. So I just mostly bottled up that guilt and or hit and punish myself secretly for the eyes of whatever invisible angel or God or karma goblin that keeps tabs on that cosmic justice thing, just to make me feel a bit better bout it and make it right. Not your exact case, but still, I feel that :(((

I think people might be doing happier than you cos they are not suicidally depressed :) Hot take, ur welcome
You don't want to do shit cos you are suicidally depressed. There is very little energy for anything in that state, and you are desperate for connection and just someone to hang out with and yet there is this burning desire to cut everyone off vanish and die. I know that, I cut everyone off too, now nobody texts me! Crazy, wonder why. So fun isn't it!
I think it's this desire to self sabotage, self hatred turned self punishment to atone (but only works momentarely, so it doesn't) + understandable envy of others that mixed with all these complex awful feelings brews hate too + to rid and distance yourself from what you'd most want really that is good worthy relationships with ppl, ones in which you can give back and mean something of value (but u can't cos you are suicidally depressed yay) so you just wish you weren't even there in the first place and you burn it all and wait for the flames to get to you. It is not a good position to be in, it is awful and it kills you.

But I don't think you deserve to die, or that people shouldn't talk to you, or that you are a burden or loser, specially don't think that you can only provide worth to this world in money. I believe you believe all that, not minimizing or saying that aint there. It is. And the fact you believe it so strongly and in a daily makes it more real and important than pretty much anything else going on around you no doubt.
How you'd get outta there and into a better situation for yourself, I don't have a recipe, iwish, but I think it is very posible, hard af for you, but I don't see it an imposible dead end situation. Just one in which I get why you rrrreeeally just want to end it. Harder to fish yourself out of there if you are alone, that only allows for further sinking, which includes pushing ppl away further, which loops back to that hardship. I'm only telling u this and sorry if I'm annoying cos, apart from also wanting to die out of all this, I think you'd kinda want to be in a better situation for yourself, that all of that shit in your head went away even if probably slowly. Don't know if i'd call it hope but just this general desire that it would be good.
If that's the case and since I don't think your situation is unsalvable, just allround very shitty, then I'd encourage you in whatever way you can to take some hard steps into feeling a bit better. And any better I think would be appreciated an and improvement cos damn, all that sucks.

not rambling challenge, impossible lol mb
You are not worthless regardless of what you do. And whatever you do these days I hope they get a bit easier and kinder. Lots of hugs <3