willitpass
Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
- Mar 10, 2020
- 2,628
The song "Hate Myself" by NF has the line that resonates with me more than any other song lyric has. Outwardly my life is so successful, minus some health problems. I've had to take a "temporary" (aka until I CTB) leave of absence at work due to my health deteriorating (secretly caused by my mental health, but people don't know that) but other than that my life is picture perfect. I was good at my job and loved it. I'm still working to get my degree and somehow making perfect grades despite not doing any studying. I have a few friends left though I don't ever go out with any of them and rarely text. I have a few amazing family members that make up for my shitty ones. I have a very friendly, playful cat, a decent apartment, a good car. I have creative hobbies that I'm always told I'm amazing at and should sell for profit. I have so many things going for me.
But none of that matters. I don't feel joy or excitement about it. I get an A on an exam I didn't even study for and I don't give a shit. I get told I did amazing at work and I feel nothing. I don't do my hobbies anymore because I feel nothing from them, they drain me more than anything. I stopped texting people back because I don't have the energy for relationships. I could get an award for doing something amazing and I would still want to fucking die. I would still hate myself. I would still come home and self harm. I would still spend my bathroom breaks researching suicide. I would still spend my days off laying in bed doing nothing because I don't have the energy to exist. What the fuck does it matter if I'm successful? If I'm high functioning? If it looks like I have it all together? I still loathe myself. I'm still going to kill myself. All it means is when I die everyone is going to say "but she had so much going for her". I do. But for what?
But none of that matters. I don't feel joy or excitement about it. I get an A on an exam I didn't even study for and I don't give a shit. I get told I did amazing at work and I feel nothing. I don't do my hobbies anymore because I feel nothing from them, they drain me more than anything. I stopped texting people back because I don't have the energy for relationships. I could get an award for doing something amazing and I would still want to fucking die. I would still hate myself. I would still come home and self harm. I would still spend my bathroom breaks researching suicide. I would still spend my days off laying in bed doing nothing because I don't have the energy to exist. What the fuck does it matter if I'm successful? If I'm high functioning? If it looks like I have it all together? I still loathe myself. I'm still going to kill myself. All it means is when I die everyone is going to say "but she had so much going for her". I do. But for what?