I understand as I always find it dreadful to suffer in this existence, I also hate existing, to me existence itself truly is the most terrible, horrific tragedy that just causes endless amounts of suffering and I'd never wish to exist but rather I just want nothingness. I wish to cease existing as I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I find it so burdensome to have to be conscious at all, I'm always so tired of being burdened with this cruel, futile existence and I always have so much dread for what lies ahead.
Personally I'd always prefer to not exist than to prolong the suffering in this existence I never would have wished for just to risk ending up in a situation of way worse torture, existence can easily get way more unbearable at any moment and that is certainly a reason as to why I'd only wish for non-existence. I just want to die in peace and never suffer ever again but more than anything I wish this existence that just created suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for was never imposed.