Welp, I ruined everything again

[Water-Lily]

I ruined another friendship. Kill me now.
Actually it's ok. I officially have no friends. No more.
I passed on the cycle of abuse and hurt someone else
I don't know why did it. I needed someone to hurt. Which I know is a really bad thing to do. What hurts more is that I won't kill myself. I want to. But I don't have the balls to do it. I am the ultimate coward
I can't show my face around them anymore. I have royally failed. No wonder why I suffer so much. My anger ruined everything.
I kept saying I wanted people to hate me. And now..:haha I did it. But is this really want I wanted? Did I really want this? I thought so. After my mom, bullies, and that sociopath hurt me I thought I should do the bullying and abusing. That I should be the monster. But look at where it got me? Hurt, hurting someone else, and guilty. Man, I am a fucking hypocrite. I failure and an asshole. What is wrong with me?
I should be punished in some way. I'm sure their all talking about me rn. Why wouldn't they be. I was being a bitch. I was being rude. Now I have become the monster. I have now become her. Let this be a lesson to anyone with trauma or BPD. Don't be a monster like me

I dunno. Maybe I should kill myself tonight

i'M SORRY OK?! IM SORRY

I'm a manipulative brat. I should kill myself since I'm such an obvious manipulator

so tell me, do you want me to die. Do you really want me to die? Cause I'll do it. I'll mother fuckin do it

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Just don't hurt me ok. I'm sorry. I really am

if you want me to die I'll do it. Just tell me, anyone, anyone tell me to die. I'll do it tonight. I promise

I ruined my life. I ruined my dads life. I ruined my brothers life. Josh, I'm sorry. You were a good dude. 15 and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm pretty I failed you. I love you

dear grandma, i know you always had faith in me. That I would be a good granddaughter and live my life. You apologized for not protecting me against my mom. You said you were sorry you didn't know she was hurting me, I'm sure you would have been better. I'm sorry

dear aunty, I know we used to butt heads soometimes. But you were a great aunt. I know I wasn't always a good niece. Please forgive me for times I disrespected you. There were times I felt hurt by your words. I know you meant well in those moments. Anyways, I always loved you. I'm sorry

dear SS, I'm sorry. For being a bad member on here. I know I have hurt some people. I know I acted bratty to a mod not too long ago. And I hurt someoene I considered a friend who I know won't take me back. I'm sorry to everyone. I understand if nobody will forgive me and that's ok. I always said I wanted to be the bad guy and this is my price. I pushed myself to a level of death where nobody will forgive me. I am sorry

I hoped at least one person would forgive me.
———— ———- I am sorry
Riley, Dory, and Sharon, I am sorry. We dormed on college and I was a really shitty roomate. I hurt you guys. I lashed out and said some rude things. I am sorry for that. I tried to kill myself that night I slammed a door in your faces. I thought you'd all be happy if I died for that. I'm sorry.
I hate you don't leave me
I hate you don't leave me
I HATE YOU DONT LEAVE ME
I'll leave chat. I won't go back. I'm sorry to everyone there that I hurt
Does anyone hate me? Can you all please tell me?

 

[Water-Lily]

I will never go back to chat. I won't comment on people's posts anymore. I don't belong. I don't deserve to belong. I am sorry
I did the same on Facebook. Fucked up in an online group so bad I was banned.
BPD= Bad Person Disorder. I was a bad person tonight
I don't deserve self love. I deserve to hurt myself