siray
the crucified
- Dec 28, 2018
- 181
In hopes of evading my suicidal plans, I left my family 3 days ago without informing them, sat in the train (disgusting humid weather, no A.C) to travel 1500km to another city, my parents were feeling sick at home not knowing where I was as I was not attending their calls. When I did answer their calls I told them I was at a friend's house.
My father kept calling through the night and then at 4am I told him I was on the train. He scolded me fiercely, and then after a few hours when my mother and sister cried hysterically on the phone, it shattered my heart to pieces. It was the ghastliest feeling I've ever felt, such deep regret and sorrow that broke me, I wanted to and cry and implode and simply die right there.
I thought I was cold hearted, that I could bear my family's disapproval, but clearly I was weak-willed. My sister's crying especially, such deep sadness I felt that I cannot describe, I would prefer a violent painful death over hearing her trembling voice again.
My father then sent me a plane ticket for home (2 hours), then I breathed a sigh of relief. The ghastly feeling never went away though, I still feel deep guilt.
Sorry for the long paragraphs, just wanted to share this with you, if you want to die, just die, don't let yourself feel your family's pain, because us depressed folks are cursed with hyper-empathy. The overwhelming guilt of causing your family emotional sorrow will torture you profoundly.
My father kept calling through the night and then at 4am I told him I was on the train. He scolded me fiercely, and then after a few hours when my mother and sister cried hysterically on the phone, it shattered my heart to pieces. It was the ghastliest feeling I've ever felt, such deep regret and sorrow that broke me, I wanted to and cry and implode and simply die right there.
I thought I was cold hearted, that I could bear my family's disapproval, but clearly I was weak-willed. My sister's crying especially, such deep sadness I felt that I cannot describe, I would prefer a violent painful death over hearing her trembling voice again.
My father then sent me a plane ticket for home (2 hours), then I breathed a sigh of relief. The ghastly feeling never went away though, I still feel deep guilt.
Sorry for the long paragraphs, just wanted to share this with you, if you want to die, just die, don't let yourself feel your family's pain, because us depressed folks are cursed with hyper-empathy. The overwhelming guilt of causing your family emotional sorrow will torture you profoundly.
