Venting Torn

[Broken Buzz]

This afternoon, I spoke to a trusted friend about my recent slide from recovery back into suicidal thoughts. He was supportive, as usual, but urged me to wait and publish some research I've been sitting on first. I can understand why. I've spent the past two years working on this research and I'm deeply passionate about it, there could be good things waiting for me career-wise. But as he knows, it would take months to go through peer-review and I just don't know if I've got the energy left in me. I have the passion yes but I'm completely drained.

I genuinely have nothing left to live for except my cat and my research, but living even just for those two things is proving increasingly difficult and painful. I'm not depressed, my life circumstances are simply intolerable and the only way I can see to remedy that is to end my life. Depending on the psychotic whims of certain third parties, my life circumstances could either stay the same or get significantly worse this year.

I have the opportunity over the next couple of weeks to end my life fairly peacefully, should I wish. Do I take the safe option and end my life, or gamble on part of my life getting better at the risk of another part getting much, much worse? I don't know that it's right to end my life when my answer to that question has so many ifs and buts.

Sorry, just needed to vent today.

 

[fly away]

It sounds like you answered your own question. Maybe you need to wait until you are sure…with no doubts.
Whatever you decide, it's all good.
Sending good thoughts your way.

 

[deathisnear]

Venting is important. :) If you have any doubt, it's always best to wait, no matter how frustrating or confusing it is. I have had those thoughts too, ultimately I feel there will always be something here to make me question ctb, but I am doing my best to block it all out and go for it hopefully sometime soon because I know in my heart it's what I want to do. You're not alone, whatever you choose, I hope it brings fulfillment and peace.

 

[Zzzzz]

I'm in a situation where I don't have good prospects in life. Do I take that gamble and hope something amazing happens or do I take the reasonably good chance of successful ctb? I hope I can leave this world soon though. I hope I don't have any doubt stopping me when the time comes.

 

[antinatalist]

I feel like if you still have doubts you should absolutely wait. I know how tedious and boring publishing research can be and how it cant be much of a motivator to continue living. Hope you choose to stay and see how things will pan out though. Good luck

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.

I don't have many reasons to live either.
Just my dad and dog I guess!

Hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really can be painful, but I personally see taking our own lives as the option when we are desperate and there is absolutely no hope left. We can take our lives at any time really. If there is a chance life can get better maybe you should try. I know what it's like when life becomes unbearable and the thought of non existence sounds like the best option.

 

[Broken Buzz]

I know I'm late replying back to everyone here, sorry about that! I read your posts over the weekend and wanted to take some time to reflect on the whole situation. Sometimes, it really helps just to hear someone else put your thoughts into their own words; to know that people can relate.

I still very much have doubts in my mind about CTB, and they are conscious and rational; I was previously recovering very well before someone triggered a huge PTSD episode that, in my mind, put me right back at square 1. That could be a temporary setback, or it could be the prelude to the toppling of hell's dominos, I don't think I can sensibly make a decision to end my life or recover long-term until I know for sure which one it is. Until then, I'm going to try and set some short-term goals and literally take it one week at a time.

Thanks again for all the kind and thoughtful replies, you guys are better than any crisis line or well-meaning friend who just doesn't quite 'get it'. Sending you all big vitual hugs

 

[littleloup]

Like you, my pet is also my only reason for living. I think setting short-term goals is a fruitful way of doing one step at a time :)