Venting Thread for my reasons

[avalokitesvara]

I have so many reasons and it's hard to put them all together coherently. I think my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. So here I can post them in fragments.
If you want to comment, feel free.

Here's the first one:

I can't abide the suffering in this world. A buddhist monk dedicates their practice to the good of all sentient beings. I do have faith in this vow. If I dedicate myself to practicing peace, goodness, and non-attachment, I do believe there is a ripple. I wish all people would be moved by the same desire. To give up their desires, to give up their consumption, to give up their terrified clinging to their small self and their small identifications. I wish we could shed all that and come together in harmony and share peace and tranquility together. For all of us, for the world. I wish each of us would stop identifying with ourselves and start identifying with all others, with Other. For if we were all to do that violence and exploitation would cease. For you would know that if you hurt me you are really hurting yourself. We'd know that when we help others we help ourselves. We wouldn't predate each other any more, and those who cannot predate would stop being prey. We would be true human beings, true adults. Mutually beneficial life, mutually beneficial world. Taking what is necessary to take, and giving what is necessary to give.

Living in a monastery is a microcosm of a world like this. I dream that one day the whole world will be the same. I know it is a long long long way off. If I can't live in the microcosm world of peace and harmony, I will choose to leave the world entirely. Because I cannot participate in the hell of predator and prey, consumption and exploitation, alienation and opioidal entertainment that the world currently is and is only hurtling ever forward into.​

 

[avalokitesvara]

As it is, the suffering is too much. Every moment of the day beings are hurt and crying out. People, children, animals, birds. The whole world is suffering and the suffering is getting worse. Hatred and greed dominate everything. Profits and exploitation dominate human lives. There's no way out! People and animals struggle so hard to survive and for what？
And I am part of it. Everything I eat has come from someone's toil, someone's exploitation. Why is it that I have been born into this enormous privilege while others toil for me? It sickens me to my core. And it doesn't make us happy! Being at ease and lapped in comfort, luxury and convenience has turned us into insane parasites who must constantly entertain and distract ourselves to avoid looking at the real condition of this world and of humanity.
I don't romanticise the past. The past was even more brutal and bloody and cruel. But in the past at least people had meaning, traditions, community, real responsibilities and rewards, values. Now everything is this capitalist sludge we're expected to constantly suckle on like infants, provided in exchange for the possibility of living an actual life. And in the past there was the concept of progress. Now we know what is going to happen. The powerful know we want to be enslaved and cannot stop them from enslaving us and devastating this beautiful planet. No one is trying to be good and make our lives and the lives of future people good and beautiful. Everything is base and ugly and evil and will be until this godforsaken literally forsaken by god species eventually dies out.

Anyway it all doesn't matter. All I can do is live according to my principles and if I can't do that, finally die.​

 

[avalokitesvara]

I can tolerate existence as long as I am constantly distracted, or in a meditative state where I am at one with existence and completely forget myself. If I think about my life and become aware of who and what I am, it is intolerable. I just want to stop. I am nothing, I am no one. I have squandered vast privilege and natural gifts. I have wasted so much time. I have lost my one true love due to my own behaviour. I lost my one true love ten years ago and have never loved or been loved since. Even when we were together I didn't feel loved, I still felt empty and broken and evil and unlovable. My heart is wrong, there's something missing. Maybe I don't have one? (Bladee: I walk a mile for your smile, it's embarrassing / I put bleach in my drink, acid in my eyes, and shit / I'm feeling paranoid, like the walls is closing in / Feel like I'm made of tin, lost my heart, it went missing / Feel like I'm made of tin, lost my heart, I went missing / Feels like I'm made of tin, lost my heart, it went missing)

I am 33 years old and have only ever resisted life. I never wanted what everyone else wants. The only thing I crave is being completely subsumed by something. I imagine love would give me that but it's a fantasy. No love can be complete enough to envelop me. I imagine being an artist but it's the same thing. Still I am envious of those who are in a couple and who have their art. I don't believe in anything and find meaning in nothing so I have nothing. It's so lonely and so painful. Only going to be a monk and living in nothingness everyday could be tolerable for me now. I can't carry on trying to force myself to work and do normal things when they hurt me so much and I find them so empty. The only thing I can do is give myself to the void, to accept being nothing inside nothing. As a monk or as a dead person. Either way it's leaving behind the idea of this self, this empty self which is nothing.

I don't even have a reason for feeling this way. I wasn't abused or neglected. I had a nice normal childhood. But I've felt this type of way since I was 8 or 9. In some ways it is a blessing. It has steered me towards the truth, truth in light and truth in darkness. It's what makes it possible for me to be a monk, the only meaningful life to me. But it has also precluded me from living a normal life and being a normal person. Despite all my detachment that still hurts me terribly, especially because it means I hurt other people, because I'm so cold and absent and unfeeling. My love is huge, it's for the whole universe, but it fails on the individual level. I can't be an individual any longer. Please let me go.​

 

[avalokitesvara]

At 33 other people are people. Not like me, a non-person. They have a purpose, their career and/or their partner and/or own family. Even the ones who struggled either found a way to live, or left. I have done neither. I am in the same emotional state as I was at 20. The intervening years have been null, despite many events occurring. It feels so dreamy to remember 2021, 2018, 2014… I'm just always in the present moment of dissatisfaction, discontentment, anhedonia, lack of volition, blankness, numbness, lovelessness, emptiness.​

Except for at the monastery. I have a different being and life there. I spring from bed and go all day long from meditation to meals to tasks to meditation to bed and barely consider myself for a single moment. I am pure and empty and it is good. It doesn't matter that I have no drive because I just follow along with the course of the day, obey the rules and instructions, and do my bit. I am fundamentally weak and need this imposed on me if I am to survive. Left to my own devices I just rot, rapidly. I don't want to rot any more. I want to live that pure life of non-self or I want to cease.​

 

[Plutopolis]

Hello there, I just read all your posts here. It resonates with me quite deeply. The feeling of disconnect for other people. Losing the love of your life through your own behaviour.

I just wanted to ask, so you spent some time in a monastery already? And what do you do now? Are you living in a city? And is it possible to stay at a monastery for the rest of your life?

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hello there, I just read all your posts here. It resonates with me quite deeply. The feeling of disconnect for other people. Losing the love of your life through your own behaviour.

I just wanted to ask, so you spent some time in a monastery already? And what do you do now? Are you living in a city? And is it possible to stay at a monastery for the rest of your life?

Messaged you

 

[avalokitesvara]

The movie Der Todesking. The first suicide. We see the man in his apartment. He is alone and completely lonely. We see he has a passion for fish. In his last days we see him removing all the evidence of this passion from the apartment until it is stripped bare. Why is this so moving to me? It reminds me of myself. The time I ripped all my band posters and paper ephemera from my walls. These silly empty little signifiers of a sense of self, with nothing underneath them.​

The man in the movie follows everything through. He conscientiously quits his job, eats up the food in his fridge, does the dishes, feeds his fish, leaves his clothes tidy before taking his life in the bath. This is me, too. I want to tidy up all the loose ends and go in a neat and orderly way. Calmly and ultimately, unbearably alone. The fact that I will commit suicide unbearably alone is in itself a reason. The fact that I have always always always felt alone and noone can touch me or change that. I only feel kinship with those who have already gone, or those who want to. I can only think about myself as going, dying, gone.​

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Then the final suicide in the film. The youth in his underpants writhing in infernal eternal agony on his mattress on the floor, then bashing his own skull in against the wall. The detail of his cuddly toy dog tossed to one side, abandoned. This is what is underneath the first man's calm sensible demeanour. This Egon Schiele-like writhing and posturing and screaming. The human body stretched into contortions by mental anguish and exploding into psychotic self-violence.​

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I'm both.​

 

[avalokitesvara]

When I remember my childhood I remember confusion, fear, anxiety, consternation, anger, hatred, loneliness, boredom, angst.

Why am I here? How is it possible that I came to be? What happened so that I was born? What happened before I was born? How is it that I didn't used to exist? Would you miss me if I died? Would you still love me if I went to prison? If I murdered someone? Would you love me forever? Are you going to die? What is this feeling? Am I sick? Am I going to die? What happens when people die? Are you my friend? Where are you? Can you see the same colours that I see? What is the cat thinking? What are you thinking? Are you thinking about me? Are you going to leave? Are you going to come back? It's late, are you ever coming? Are you dead? Am I alone? I had a bad dream. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I can see a darkness. I can sense infinity. What is this inside my head? Is this what people call thinking? I don't think I can think. I don't understand what this is. Why can't I see out of your eyes? Why can't I see myself? Who is that in the photo? Why did they die? I hate you. Come and get me. I hate myself. Pick me up. Leave me alone. Will you remember me when I'm dead? Will you miss me? Will you cry at my funeral? Will it hurt when I die? What is hell? What is god? Will I go to heaven? Will you be there? What is infinity? What is nothingness? Am I good? How can I be good? Do you like me? Will you be my friend? Is that me in the photo? What was I like when I was a baby? What were you going to name me? Was I an accident? Did you want me? Do you love me? I feel sick. My throat hurts. I have earache. I have a tummy ache. I have a rash. My bits feel funny. What is that? Why does it feel strange? Am I ill? Am I going to die? When will it be my birthday? How old are you? How old were you when you had me? When are you going to die? Are you old? Am I going to be old? When am I going to die? What happens to my thoughts after I die? What happens to my body? How can I make my mind go blank? How can I stop thinking? I had a bad dream. Is there going to be a war? Is there going to be a nuclear bomb? What is it like to die? What is it like to not exist? I don't remember that happening. What time of day was I born? Leave me alone. I hate myself. I don't deserve a bed. I am evil. I am going to hell. You hate me. You don't know me. Why won't you come? Why have you left me? Can you read my mind? What number am I thinking of? What have I got behind my back? What is time? When is the future? Why is now now? What happens to the past? Why do I exist? What is breathing? Can I stop my heart from beating? Are these my hands? Am I going to die? Is someone going to kill me? What will happen? Will anyone save me? Is anyone coming?​

 

[avalokitesvara]

I'm just so sad about everything. I'm so sad to not have anyone to love. I can't feel loved by anyone but I certainly can feel and give love outwards. I wish I could turn invisible and follow my ex around like a guardian angel, just to witness her life and love her in secret. I am so sad about how envious I am of anyone in a couple. I am so sad lying down to sleep alone every night for 10 years. I am so sad that I can remember what it was like to hold her. I am so sad when I know I am noone's priority, their special one, the one they always want to see and tell everything to. I am so sad that I used to be that person for her but now she has someone else. I am so sad when I can't appreciate the love of my friends because it's not Love, it's not enough. I am so sad that I have all this love to give but can't for some reason. I am so sad about the mystery of being unlovable, why it seems to afflict some people. I am so sad. I used to feel ok being alone and don't know where that acceptance went. Maybe I was just lying to myself, didn't want to admit how lonely I am. The thing is I was still lonely when I was with her too. I've never not been lonely. It's unbearable to be this existentially alone, but it's reality. I don't know if I even believe that love is real, that we can really touch one another, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad that I've had crushes and unrequited love for many people and my love has just stayed inside me. It makes me sad that if someone touched me I would instantly fall for them, it makes me sad how much I want to be touched but how much I avoid any situation where that might happen. It makes me sad that I can imagine and have dreams of such beautiful scenes of love, and wake up alone. It makes me sad how self-pitying and narcissistic I am, that I can't get out of my head. I'm just so sad.​

 

[avalokitesvara]

When did I start being this alone? I have some specific memories from childhood of intense feelings of heartbreak and abandonment, though nothing spectacularly bad happened. I think I came into this world too thin-skinned. Everything was confusing and hurtful, and it all went into me too deep and fast. I know there's something the matter when I think about my end. I want to be alone. I don't want to be with my family. Do I love them? I don't know the answer. Maybe I don't. I care about them, but do I love them? If I loved them I wouldn't have this strong desire to leave. To just be alone, finally actually alone. Some people, all they want is to be surrounded by their family on their deathbed. I can't imagine anything more horrible.​

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Today I crave it. Pack up and dispose of all my shit. Print off my poems and notes, prepare a few parcels with things to send to important people. Smash my tech. Put the basics in my backpack. Leave a first note: I'm going away, I'm ok, don't try to find me. Then take to the road. Camp out, tramp around. Go to where there are trees and lakes. Spend my days alone. Meditate, fast, be. Be with death. Weaken myself, weaken my lingering attachments. Far, far away from everyone. In silence with the trees, the weather, the earth. Take one last trip into civilisation to mail my parcels, my documentation. Break the last chain. Then go back into the woods and let the earth reclaim this body, let the animals eat the flesh, let the sun bleach the bones and scatter them.​

 

[newstart2000]

You are brave. Hope you find your peace.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I made some progress on my potential plan today, beginning to think through the logistics. Tomorrow is a big day in my "other" plans, my non-ctb plans, my living-my-dream plans. It's the final official stage in the process before I just have to wait receive my decision. I feel very grounded and serious. I am extremely glad I permitted myself to go into my depression and my suicidality at this time. I am really taking my life as seriously as I can, much more seriously than I ever have in my whole life before now. Without the other side of the coin of ctb, there would be less meaning in my living plan. I can't explain it very well but they go hand in hand.

I hope anyone who knows me realises how serious this is. To live 32 years with no dreams, no desires, no goals, not feeling like a person. Then to find the way to exist, to be happy, to have a future. And then to have that potentially be denied me. It is no joke. It's not arbitrary. I'm not fucking around. I'm not compromising. I'm not hedging my bets. There is no alternative. This is it for me. I'm so grateful to have this certainty, fucking finally after doubting and grasping and dithering my way through this stupid life so far. I'm so grateful!!! I'm so grateful to know Buddha dharma and understand death and not be afraid if that is what it comes to. I am so happy! When I think of my dream I am so happy and when I think that if I can't live my dream I will get to die I am so happy. I feel overwhelming love and joy. I'm so grateful to be mortal. I'm so grateful for death. I'm so grateful that I am who I am and feel what I feel and know what I know. I wish I could share this feeling with everyone.

 

[avalokitesvara]

My oldest friend doesn't even have any knowledge of me. Because there is a hole. There is a nothingness. I drift like smoke through people's lives. I can't wait for there to be a time when they can say that was the last time they saw me. I can't wait to be gone completely, away from this paltry half life.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Once this brain ceases to function there won't be anything of this anymore. It will be so over it's not even accurate to say it will be over, because the thing that could be said to be "over" will be so totally gone that it is like it never existed in the first place. I can't make any meaning out of this simple biological churning, this unavoidable existing and self-ing. Some people can, they make magic and beauty. I can't. I'm so debased. I'm at the base. Observing sheer existence. It's tedious. Why does the blood continue to be pumped, the oxygen and nutrients transferred. Why can't it just stop? It's going to stop one day anyway, why does it carry on for a bit only to stop eventually? Why can't it stop now? I want it to stop.