LiesAndLigatures
Please kill me. Please? PLEASE!
- Nov 8, 2020
- 143
Hello everyone. I wanted to explain a bit about myself for my 100th post. This will likely also be a goodbye thread. Details on that to come, as I will decide as I type.
My name is Adam. I'm a 24 year old white male living in Nevada. I suffer with CPTSD from repeated psychiatric abuse throughout 2014. Involuntary commitment, forced and coercive drugging, police involvement, physical abuse, isolation, restraint, forced rapid withdrawal from benzos, and general dehumanization were all common events throughout that year. Things were done to me, and I had to do things just to make it through. Things that I never wanted to do.
I survived it. Physically, at least. Mentally, I never truly found an effective way to heal. I distracted myself with work and education for several years until it became too bad, then with gambling, then with drugs and alcohol. I was still suffering immensely, but I was making it through the day. I was "coping". God, how I hate that word. Being asked every day "have you learned any new coping skills?" Art and journaling wasn't of any interest to me at the time, and we were deprived of any other ways to "cope". Sitting in the day room for hours, exchanging a few sentences with other patients before a long silence as they zone out from their meds. That was all we had.
Eventually, even drugs and alcohol failed me. Every day just became a new nightmare. On April 22nd, 2021, I planned to take my own life with SN. During the fasting and 48h meto regimen, I had multiple panic attacks, and eventually backed down 2 hours before the final ingredient. I had time, I could always do it later. I had time.
Today, May 30th, 2021 leaves me with only 1 day before I am evicted from my home, due to slanderous lies seeded by my father, who is engaged to the property manager for my apartment. I have nowhere to go. I will lose my disability income in 3 weeks. I refuse to be homeless. Friends and family can't/won't help. I no longer have time.
I think it should be tonight. I should set my scheduled texts for tomorrow afternoon, and use the debreather that I designed and built. It has an excellent seal, even when gasping. I've talked about it in the general chat. The regular chat users know a lot about me already.
So, if this is my last post, at least I made it to 100, right? I'm sorry to anyone this upsets, but we should all be so lucky as to choose our time.
My name is Adam. I'm a 24 year old white male living in Nevada. I suffer with CPTSD from repeated psychiatric abuse throughout 2014. Involuntary commitment, forced and coercive drugging, police involvement, physical abuse, isolation, restraint, forced rapid withdrawal from benzos, and general dehumanization were all common events throughout that year. Things were done to me, and I had to do things just to make it through. Things that I never wanted to do.
I survived it. Physically, at least. Mentally, I never truly found an effective way to heal. I distracted myself with work and education for several years until it became too bad, then with gambling, then with drugs and alcohol. I was still suffering immensely, but I was making it through the day. I was "coping". God, how I hate that word. Being asked every day "have you learned any new coping skills?" Art and journaling wasn't of any interest to me at the time, and we were deprived of any other ways to "cope". Sitting in the day room for hours, exchanging a few sentences with other patients before a long silence as they zone out from their meds. That was all we had.
Eventually, even drugs and alcohol failed me. Every day just became a new nightmare. On April 22nd, 2021, I planned to take my own life with SN. During the fasting and 48h meto regimen, I had multiple panic attacks, and eventually backed down 2 hours before the final ingredient. I had time, I could always do it later. I had time.
Today, May 30th, 2021 leaves me with only 1 day before I am evicted from my home, due to slanderous lies seeded by my father, who is engaged to the property manager for my apartment. I have nowhere to go. I will lose my disability income in 3 weeks. I refuse to be homeless. Friends and family can't/won't help. I no longer have time.
I think it should be tonight. I should set my scheduled texts for tomorrow afternoon, and use the debreather that I designed and built. It has an excellent seal, even when gasping. I've talked about it in the general chat. The regular chat users know a lot about me already.
So, if this is my last post, at least I made it to 100, right? I'm sorry to anyone this upsets, but we should all be so lucky as to choose our time.
