thinking about a boy

[tinybrokenfingers]

ive had a friend for a few years now, we go to concerts sometimes and he's been a great person to talk to for as long as ive known him. we exchange "i love you"s and he gives really nice hugs. ive had feelings for him for a little while now, around a year and a half-ish, but ive been involved in other relationships for that entire time. i recently left a toxic relationship, the breakup was a few months coming and i talked to him a lot about everything that was going on. he was one of two people that took me seriously during this time, and actually listened to me, responding thoughtfully and carefully. after i ended off that relationship, i was hospitalized. him and my best friend were the only people that texted me during my stay.

im interested in pursuing a relationship with him eventually, but i have a lot of reservations and fears about it. the one thats the most worrying to me is potentially fucking up our friendship if i ask him out and he denies me. i think that hes mature enough to not let that get in the way, but really im just paranoid about it. another thing that worries me is that im just falling for someone because they show me human decency. i know that sounds ridiculous. but its been a constant in a lot of relationships ive been in, and im scared of being hurt again. finally, i wanna make sure im out of the woods in terms of the mourning process from the last relationship, so that if we do get into a relationship, that im not bringing in unfair and unnessecary emotional baggage.

its very early in the morning so im probably not filling this out with all the detail that i should, but the last thing thats important to note i suppose, is that he's the only person that manages to make my heart flutter whenever i see a notification from him.

 

[R. A.]

another thing that worries me is that im just falling for someone because they show me human decency.

this is an absolute possibility; i have been in similar situations. it becomes tricky because truly, what are the boundaries between romantic and non-romantic love in a chosen relationship, aside from - for most people but not all - sexual attraction?
i have come to sit in the camp that i am ok with being in a dynamic with someone when on either side of the equation there might be these feelings as long as everyone is kind with themselves and the other. i would rather have a solid loving relationship with someone without the trouble of a label than try to define and confine it, personally.

it won't let me add a quote in editing, but the bit about letting things settle after the last breakup is smart. you are likely craving comfort and companionship more than usual for you to even notice this. wise to be single and simplify before making any significant moves.