Venting Think I might actually do it tonight

[AveryConure]

Stepdad and mom both work long shifts tonight. I got my noose ready to go and while I could've waited a bit longer, I remembered one of my aides was going to annoy me about going to therapy this afternoon to update my care plan while not understanding there's a literal blizzard happening in my town and there's no way I can get to my appointment anyways despite me telling my healthcare place that I literally don't have the transportation to get there and I probably never will cause I'm paranoid I'm going to immediately lose my job and I'll never be able to afford a car anyways.

God realizing I'm nearly 30 and I never could get a car, an apartment, absolutely no aspirations to go to college or even to continue to do anything with what artistic talent I had left before my mental illness robbed it from me, I had a wasted life. apparently my mom said I had a heart condition as a baby that nearly killed me if I didn't get the right surgery in time. I honestly wished it did, could've gave my mom a tragic story and a statistic for how deadly this condition was and spreading awareness for kids who are actually worth a damn in the future and that would've been the end of it.

But nope. I had to then get misdiagnosed with autism, taught that I was basically a monster compared to the other kids in my class and I would never be like them, have my self-esteem and perception of myself mutilated beyond repair, told I had to be in a group home for the rest of my life just to discover it was all a lie cause my family would rather have a retarded kid than one who could potentially be insane and suddenly murder them in their sleep one day.

Especially after 2016, I knew shit wasn't going to get much better from that point. I was homeless, learned my dad didn't give a shit about me offering to suck dick from random men just to afford food and basic toiletries and would rather have me die. I went back and lived with my mom, but I think after practically my fucked up brain was then split into many pieces after I learned my life was basically a convenient lie and now memory has gone to shit and I can't even remember when's the last time I ate or took a shower. Even now I know there's nothing the current mental healthcare system can do for this and I refuse electroshock therapy cause it would literally reduce my memory to someone with Alzheimer's at this point.

I'm not making a suicide note. There's honestly no point. But if I am somehow rescued or I fuck my attempt up majorly, I may have to end up surrendering myself again. Even if it means I would have to bide more time before I can find the right time to kill myself again.

It's 9:30 AM and both my stepdad and mom aren't gone til 3 in the morning so I'll still be here and then hopefully I can finally rest. It's honestly way too hard for me to continue and I've been struggling for 12+ years. I'd rather go see my friend Amy who died from cancer a long time ago or if it has to be this way, Old Pink at the Funny Farm.

Life sucks. I'm glad to be rid of it.

 

[TheRiverStyz]

I'm so sorry about the things that happened to you. They are terrible and needless. I wish you best of luck with whatever you choose to do and if you do pass on today, I hope you find peace. Hugs.

 

[NoChoice]

Stepdad and mom both work long shifts tonight. I got my noose ready to go and while I could've waited a bit longer, I remembered one of my aides was going to annoy me about going to therapy this afternoon to update my care plan while not understanding there's a literal blizzard happening in my town and there's no way I can get to my appointment anyways despite me telling my healthcare place that I literally don't have the transportation to get there and I probably never will cause I'm paranoid I'm going to immediately lose my job and I'll never be able to afford a car anyways.

God realizing I'm nearly 30 and I never could get a car, an apartment, absolutely no aspirations to go to college or even to continue to do anything with what artistic talent I had left before my mental illness robbed it from me, I had a wasted life. apparently my mom said I had a heart condition as a baby that nearly killed me if I didn't get the right surgery in time. I honestly wished it did, could've gave my mom a tragic story and a statistic for how deadly this condition was and spreading awareness for kids who are actually worth a damn in the future and that would've been the end of it.

But nope. I had to then get misdiagnosed with autism, taught that I was basically a monster compared to the other kids in my class and I would never be like them, have my self-esteem and perception of myself mutilated beyond repair, told I had to be in a group home for the rest of my life just to discover it was all a lie cause my family would rather have a retarded kid than one who could potentially be insane and suddenly murder them in their sleep one day.

Especially after 2016, I knew shit wasn't going to get much better from that point. I was homeless, learned my dad didn't give a shit about me offering to suck dick from random men just to afford food and basic toiletries and would rather have me die. I went back and lived with my mom, but I think after practically my fucked up brain was then split into many pieces after I learned my life was basically a convenient lie and now memory has gone to shit and I can't even remember when's the last time I ate or took a shower. Even now I know there's nothing the current mental healthcare system can do for this and I refuse electroshock therapy cause it would literally reduce my memory to someone with Alzheimer's at this point.

I'm not making a suicide note. There's honestly no point. But if I am somehow rescued or I fuck my attempt up majorly, I may have to end up surrendering myself again. Even if it means I would have to bide more time before I can find the right time to kill myself again.

It's 9:30 AM and both my stepdad and mom aren't gone til 3 in the morning so I'll still be here and then hopefully I can finally rest. It's honestly way too hard for me to continue and I've been struggling for 12+ years. I'd rather go see my friend Amy who died from cancer a long time ago or if it has to be this way, Old Pink at the Funny Farm.

Life sucks. I'm glad to be rid of it.

This sounds awful, I feel for you. I have to ask, at what age were you given medication (antidepressants/antipsychotics) for the first time? I'm assuming you were medicated but I could be wrong. Also, my advice to you would be to either use a reliable method and execute it properly or don't do it at all, if theres any doubt or hope just keep going because I think the last thing you'd want is to end up in the psych ward hell.

 

[21Neberg]

I really feel for you. I'm sorry all that happened to you, I can relate to the mutilation of self esteem. I hope you do something you love before you go, like watch a movie or eat a pizza. Make it the best day ever - with a great ending! ;-)

 

[ReadyasEver]

Avery, your situation absolutely crushed me. I hope you can some peace. The only thing I can tell you is to go to the resource section in the forum and spend some time reading through the methods. Gain some knowledge, do some research, the more you understand, the better you can formulate a solid plan. Peace to you and I hope your journey works out for you in whatever path you choose.

 

[AveryConure]

This sounds awful, I feel for you. I have to ask, at what age were you given medication (antidepressants/antipsychotics) for the first time? I'm assuming you were medicated but I could be wrong. Also, my advice to you would be to either use a reliable method and execute it properly or don't do it at all, if theres any doubt or hope just keep going because I think the last thing you'd want is to end up in the psych ward hell.

The night night method didn't work out but I tested my noose on my door and it seems like it'll work. Just I obviously need to wait til I'm alone cause I'm obviously going to make noise due to thrashing and etc.

Btw I think the NN method will work but due to my mom confiscating my original straps my stepdad's are unfortunately not long enough and I don't feel like spending more money on them.

I was medicated since I think I was 12, was on a long laundry list of pills from antidepressants to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I was deemed treatment resistant and recommended ECT but I refused.

 

[NoChoice]

The night night method didn't work out but I tested my noose on my door and it seems like it'll work. Just I obviously need to wait til I'm alone cause I'm obviously going to make noise due to thrashing and etc.

Btw I think the NN method will work but due to my mom confiscating my original straps my stepdad's are unfortunately not long enough and I don't feel like spending more money on them.

I was medicated since I think I was 12, was on a long laundry list of pills from antidepressants to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I was deemed treatment resistant and recommended ECT but I refused.

I hope it works the way you want it to, still finalizing my own method and then I'll be gone and free from this torturous state. 12? Wow that makes me sick, medicating a child like that. I don't know how you feel about medicine, and I certainly don't know the full details but I think they could've fucked you over really badly in the head like they did me and so many people I know. They're zombifying poisons I'm sure you know.. all while the real cures are illegal. I hate humans, they're so greedy and evil. I wish you all the best

 

[Midnight]

Sounds like an awfull life ... I feel for your pain. Hope you find peace and rest from all this in whatever way you choose.

 

[AveryConure]

Posted basically a goodbye message on my Twatter and of course since Kingdom Hearts III is coming out tomorrow no one seems to really give a shit.

Next time you hear "if you feel like hurting yourself, reach out to someone :)" and remember I tried to but people apparently give a shit about a videogame more than me.

 

[SeekingSolace]

I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time from such a young age. Wishing you the best. I hope you find peace one way or another.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Posted basically a goodbye message on my Twatter and of course since Kingdom Hearts III is coming out tomorrow no one seems to really give a shit.

Next time you hear "if you feel like hurting yourself, reach out to someone :)" and remember I tried to but people apparently give a shit about a videogame more than me.

In the immortal words of The Doors
"People are Strange"

It is so sad when people say that sort of thing, then you approach them - and then there is no response. Xx

I am so sorry for your past. No one deserves what you have been dished up. To your enormous credit, YOUR enormous credit, no one else's - you come over as a thoroughly nice person. Intelligent and communicative and you are always kind to other people on here. I admire you x

I just don't know sometimes - it feels like some people are given two helpings of rubbish to deal with! It makes no sense.

It is over half of your life that has been medication dictated which, in itself, is bloody awful let alone all the personal stuff you have dealt with. I'm just stunned. Whatever you do, I hope in this life or next you get a well deserved break xxxx. Xxxxxx xxxxxxx

 

[AveryConure]

I really feel for you. I'm sorry all that happened to you, I can relate to the mutilation of self esteem. I hope you do something you love before you go, like watch a movie or eat a pizza. Make it the best day ever - with a great ending! ;-)

I'll think about at least listening to my favorite Old Pink records and watching a few of my favorite YT videos before I go. Hell I still have some frozen Digiornos pizzas I could bake tonight before I go. Why the hell not.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'll think about at least listening to my favorite Old Pink records and watching a few of my favorite YT videos before I go. Hell I still have some frozen Digiornos pizzas I could bake tonight before I go. Why the hell not.

Too right - I would eat the lot tbh, you've earned it :-)

 

[Thewhowithin69]

Ugh. I hear you and feel you. You did a good run though and I'm proud you went as long as you did!! I also was a "miracle" baby and the pressure from a supposed save and then a lifetime of suffering seems especially cruel.
I was treatment resistant too and I agreed to the ECT Even though my memory would be messed up cuz I was desperate enough. It wasn't a fun experience but I cannot rule it out that it might have helped push me towards some stability...I actually hate typing that but looking back my best time of life was the next few years after the treatment so who knows?? I had a child I had to raise so I didn't feel like I had many choices. And now I'm looking at ketamine and knowing it's just another bandaid, this disease will come back and eventually devour me, it's simply how much fight have i got left in me.
So I'm just saying from someone who may really understand where your coming from, please know it's ok to be done. Fighting like we do is such hard work and all we get is "why don't you do more??" Really?? You live through what we do and tell us to our faces we haven't done enough....I am so sorry you could not find any kind of relief in this world. No one should have to live in that continual state of torture!!
I hope you are able to find your peace....you sure deserve it!!
And if for whatever reason your si kicks in don't worry, we are here until you can succeed and will support you through that process!
If you want to chat let me know....otherwise I agree, make sure your method is solid because I don't want you to hurt anymore then you already have ...
Cyber hugs

 

[15dec]

I'm sorry to hear all that you've gone through and wish things could have turned out differently... I hope you find the peace you're looking for. Hugs

 

[Feline]

So sorry, Avery. You seem like a lovely person. May you pass quickly and peacefully.

 

[AveryConure]

Welp, I fulfilled my promise and made a pizza.

it's too early to attempt still but figured I could have a backup backup plan of just doing weed again while taking some Benadryl in weather that's supposed to get to possibly -50 outside and try again with hypothermia. I'll probably see if I can drink some fireball whiskey to help with that if worst comes to worst.

 

[SeekingSolace]

Welp, I fulfilled my promise and made a pizza.

it's too early to attempt still but figured I could have a backup backup plan of just doing weed again while taking some Benadryl in weather that's supposed to get to possibly -50 outside and try again with hypothermia. I'll probably see if I can drink some fireball whiskey to help with that if worst comes to worst.

I hope you find peace Avery. Enjoy the pizza, looks delicious.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

A car and apartment aren't all they're cracked up to be. I often think of blowing my brains out all over mine.

 

[AveryConure]

If anyone wants to confirm if I ctb'd I live in Indiana and my real name is Crystal Hapner. My head's in the noose and I'm waiting til The Wall album hits Goodbye Cruel World before I kick the chair away.

I'm kind of chickening out but yet I feel like I have to see this through.

If I don't panic or fuck it up somehow, goodnight guys. You gave me more comfort than my psych doctors ever will.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Love to you Crystal xxx

 

[JustAboutDone]

And please post back if anything changes xx

 

[Mylifeispointless]

May you find your peace.

 

[Macc Lad]

wish you well crystal x

 

[Macc Lad]

she's gone quiet......hope you've found peace crystal x