It is very hard to change, even simple things like your mindset can be quite hard to improve. I have a boyfriend i constantly worry and make sad because of how negative I am and how many problems I have. Of course I want this to stop, I told him so many times I would change and I am trying. But this is never going to be a battle I can win and it feels like it will stay this way for a long time.
I also want to die very badly, I keep being honest with him and telling him it would make me very happy to leave this world, it's truly my dream. If he said the same to me, I would obviously feel destroyed. I wouldn't want him to ctb, so why would he let me do it either?
When he told me he felt suicidal a while ago I really felt like my world was falling apart, and I high probably was one of the reasons why. He does feel better now, but in that moment I felt how he feels every day when being with me. That's what motivates me to change. I don't want him to go through this pain. All the time.
You have someone that cares about you, someone that loves you through all of your flaws and looks past your mistakes.
I can't imagine how you would make her feel if you ctb. Everything will change one day, but you need to work very very hard to overcome this.
If not for her, do it for yourself. What would you say and do if she said the same to you? How would you react? You are not alone, you have us and you have her. You are trying to get help, I am very proud of you for that.
