Discussion 'The Switch' from passive to active suicidality

[OzymandiAsh]

Has anyone here ever had a 'switch', a moment where you went from passively thinking about suicide to being set on it?
How long were you passively suicidal vs. being actively suicidal?

For me, I lived with passive suicidality for about 6 years. It is only since about September of last year that I resolved to CTB. And I always knew that once I resolved, that was pretty much it, there is no stopping me now and I am dead set on suicide. I even thought I would be a one and done, as I kind of thought a lot of people dilly-dally about their suicides but I would be more serious. Turns out however serious I am it is still difficult to do practically speaking and most methods are much less reliable statistically than I ever thought, etc. and my first attempts (ligature strangulation) were sadly unsuccessful. But oh well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

One thing that has sort of thrown me off guard and surprised me a bit is how vastly different the reactions from people, family and professional services have been since I became actively suicidal. All of a sudden people want to show me love and appreciation, and everyone wants to be my lifesaver. Like, wait, what?! Where was all of this care and concern when I ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET HELP AND GET BETTER AND DO THE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT WORK OF HEALING AND RECOVERING??? Why was I met with rejection, mockery, and bullying during that time, but all of a sudden now people want to turn up unannounced at my door with pizza and shit like that?

It doesn't change anything in my case, far too late for that. But in a strange way I regret not being actively suicidal earlier, because 1. it would have given me more time to prepare and I would be out of here faster, 2. maybe all of this outpouring of care, understanding, support etc. would have actually been helpful if it came earlier. Now there is no help. I cannot be helped, and I don't want to be; I have surrendered to the utterly overpowering wish to leave this shit show. Now I just want people to f off and leave me alone before they find ways to make things even worse, accidental or not.

 

[DeathByBananabread]

I think I've been passively suicidal most of my life, with occasional small bouts of being absolutely sure I'd do it with no follow-through.

When I first started reaching this point I made the mistake of telling people as well. I quickly stopped & started masking. Now everyone assumes that was a phase that just passed when I got on medication (that wasn't working, & I discontinued). It's odd now, assuming I stay like this, & actually go through with it, I fit the stereotype almost exactly of someone who suddenly "miraculously recovered"/seemed way happier before suicide.

It's only over the past, like, year-&-a-half, that I've been determined to go through with it (actually a little bit before the major political event you probably think set me off, lol!), just without a surefire method to do without survival instinct taking over, & without a space/place/window of time large enough where I could actually do it without potentially being caught. (I've been doing my research, but research actually kind of sets you back a bit, y'know, once you realize how ineffective most easily-accessible methods can be? I don't have a gun or a high place.)

 

[UnPlugMe69]

My passive CTB started during the end of high school about 2 years ago where I would look out the window at trees, clouds and rocks, having an intense yearning to be an inanimate object. Admiring their lack of worry, stress, responsibility and pain.

My active CTB obsession started when i stopped yearning to get 'better' or be 'helped' since being 'saved' or becoming 'happy' would simply be the reinstatement of the basic delusions that helps people cope with existence and hold the belief that overcoming your problems is the only conceivable option. This level of intellectual dishonesty does not match my values, so i wish not to participate in it. I saw discourse on the topic of CTB as permanently stunted by religious zealots (the state) that presents themselves as secular, objective and not just holding their preferred ideological position regarding CTB that they force down my throat.

I first planned my CTB last year at about the end of October and figured days later that i made a gross miscalculation that rendered my method non-lethal. So i now think i have a decent method, but i don't currently have the perfect environment to execute it since i live with people that might ruin it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was passively suicidal for a very long time- over 30 years. It's only properly moved into the active stage of researching and aquiring a method because- I must be finally approaching the time I can do it. I always wanted to wait for certain loved ones to go first. My Dad is the last remaining one.

I have researched methods in the past but, it wasn't really a serious proposition back then.

I suppose the main emotions I feel are fear of going through with it. Also, frustration- if I'm honest. That I'm more or less practically ready to go but, still feel like I can't.

I have heard that kind of response from helplines though too. A work colleague once rang one but said- once they found out she didn't have a method prepared, they weren't all that interested.

I agree though- that is weird. Why not take people seriously enough to help them when they are still at the passively suicidal stage?

 

[Macedonian1987]

I was passively suicidal ever since 2003, but i became actively suicidal in 2024. The trigger was my rapidly worsening health. I am 38 but my health is that of a 70 year old man. I just cannot endure this pain and loneliness anymore.

 

[Forveleth]

Passively suicidal for about 22 years. Then I got to the point where my asshole partner has broken me completely. I now no longer want to be alive. I started planning to end my life as existing in this world no longer holds interest for me.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I've been passively suicidal for about 10 years, since I was an early teen. I've never really seen a future for myself and I've kind of always known I'd die by my own hand. The switch for me was treating a patient who was almost successful (and did eventually pass). I don't know why but seeing him in that hospital bed cemented it for me. I read his file and found out he hanged himself. I knew almost instantly that's what I'd do. This was about 8 months ago and I broke down about it at first, spoke to professionals and nearly got admitted (funnily enough my referral to the mental hospital got rejected for being too high risk). I started a new job this year and I've been masking so well I don't even know how to ask for help. It's my dream job and I love it, I genuinely cant complain at all and if this doesn't make me happy idk what will. That was kind of the final nail in the coffin. I'm waiting til the end of my lease so I don't inconvenience my flatmates more than I need to.

 

[burninghill]

It is crazy how people don't take this shit seriously until you have active intent or are dead. I didn't understand the phrase 'they only care once you're dead' until I became actively suicidal.

For me, I was passively suicidal for 6 years and then became actively suicidal. I tried to kill myself a few times before falling deeper into my depression and becoming burnt out. This exhaustion caused me to fall back into passive ideation. It sucks, I wish I wanted to die as much as I did before.
The switch flipped for me after a specific event, but also after finding a method that is almost definitely lethal (if you don't back out), which made me more confident in my capability.