Venting The pain of socializing

[spanishguy22]

I'm a very socially anxious person thanks to unwanted years of isolation.
I discovered that the only thing that I can get any form of enjoyment from nowadays is competitive gaming. I'm well known for years in a community and am pretty skilled with it and Im sometimes excited about improving and reaching high, even knowing that I'm dying soonTM.

So I joined this team to start competition, and man this is so much torture. They all can tell I am so shy and weird, and I am so self aware of this. I was called out because I didn't speak enough and one guy made fun of it. I spent hours in bed ruminating and couldn't sleep well. Stupid brain. I don't even care about it but my brain does.

So now I face the dilemma of going back to spending days in bed without anything to do but browse suicide forum or be busy playing a video game and somehow enjoying the ride, but also with the huge stress that comes from the social meetings the game requires and that leave me mentally exhausted even making it hard for me to sleep.

I'll try to wait and see if it gets better as I know them more. But if not I won't be able to carry on this facade.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Struggle through it. I know that's hard maybe impossible even, do it anyway. The thing is even if you are anxious and isolated truly socializing is the ONLY way to get past it. It's human nature to get more comfortable with people with time and experience. This may be harder for you than some but it will still be true for you. To your advantage you are socializing with the same people so you will ALL get more familiar with one another.

If you are as good as you think you are ( and I expect you will actually be BETTER than you think) then they are likely lucky to have you on the team and by improving communication with them (yes, you should talk more) it will improve your gameplay, and theirs.

Dont let a joke get the better of you, embrace it, if you can. Good Luck

 

[spanishguy22]

Struggle through it. I know that's hard maybe impossible even, do it anyway. The thing is even if you are anxious and isolated truly socializing is the ONLY way to get past it. It's human nature to get more comfortable with people with time and experience. This may be harder for you than some but it will still be true for you. To your advantage you are socializing with the same people so you will ALL get more familiar with one another.

If you are as good as you think you are ( and I expect you will actually be BETTER than you think) then they are likely lucky to have you on the team and by improving communication with them (yes, you should talk more) it will improve your gameplay, and theirs.

Dont let a joke get the better of you, embrace it, if you can. Good Luck

Thanks man. It's just a stressful situation because it reminds me that I don't belong, and my ego gets so hurt. But as you say, with time it's natural to become more confident with people you are with (to what extent idk). I need to talk more so I'm gonna try to search for other voice servers on the internet and just YOLO strike conversation for an hour every day even if I cringe inside (well, at least while my depression let's me manage all this, that's the biggest enemy :( )
Thanks again <3

 

[Alan James]

I don't like multiplayer games. I play only in a single player. Not because of sociophobia: in multiplayer games there is no plot, no story, they are endless.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

That is so relateable I used to be so social as a child had playdates every day and now I never see anyone so I refer to myself now as an introvert extrovert because deep down in my child self I am social but as you said years of isolation among other things has cursed me with social anxiety.

And also the competitive gaming you speak of I can relate to, I used to play a lot of CS GO (1500+ hours) and it just feels so terrible when you are in a chat and everyone is talking but because of social anxiety it seems impossible to find and opening to say something and the longer you try like for several minutes the harder it becomes and then you can really feel the social anxiety your body becomes warmer and you have that one sentence you wanna say to contribute to the conversation but after several minutes the topic has changed and you missed your window. Does any of this sound familiar @spanishguy22 ?

 

[IronTusk]

How do you socialize when youre half dead?

 

[spanishguy22]

That is so relateable I used to be so social as a child had playdates every day and now I never see anyone so I refer to myself now as an introvert extrovert because deep down in my child self I am social but as you said years of isolation among other things has cursed me with social anxiety.

And also the competitive gaming you speak of I can relate to, I used to play a lot of CS GO (1500+ hours) and it just feels so terrible when you are in a chat and everyone is talking but because of social anxiety it seems impossible to find and opening to say something and the longer you try like for several minutes the harder it becomes and then you can really feel the social anxiety your body becomes warmer and you have that one sentence you wanna say to contribute to the conversation but after several minutes the topic has changed and you missed your window. Does any of this sound familiar @spanishguy22 ?

Exactly what you say man, I do want to say something but there's something stopping me from speaking loudly and comfortably like the others. I also use a higher toned voice than my normal man voice and it's hard to control. All the shit I've been through has turned me into a total bitch.
And just like you I wasn't an introvert when I was normal, I see myself in you a lot..
I got 3.5K hours in CSGO xD Great waste of a lifetime. My depression got this bad while i tried to go pro in that game. I was locked playing that stupid game 1 year in a room all day.

How do you socialize when youre half dead?

Well indeed. That's another huge thing. I'm dead inside and ain't interested in anything outside of the game mechanics. So for example they started talking about game of thrones and I'm just like "so boring". It's just a stupid ass fucking life.

 

[headinghome]

I'm a very socially anxious person thanks to unwanted years of isolation.
I discovered that the only thing that I can get any form of enjoyment from nowadays is competitive gaming. I'm well known for years in a community and am pretty skilled with it and Im sometimes excited about improving and reaching high, even knowing that I'm dying soonTM.

So I joined this team to start competition, and man this is so much torture. They all can tell I am so shy and weird, and I am so self aware of this. I was called out because I didn't speak enough and one guy made fun of it. I spent hours in bed ruminating and couldn't sleep well. Stupid brain. I don't even care about it but my brain does.

So now I face the dilemma of going back to spending days in bed without anything to do but browse suicide forum or be busy playing a video game and somehow enjoying the ride, but also with the huge stress that comes from the social meetings the game requires and that leave me mentally exhausted even making it hard for me to sleep.

I'll try to wait and see if it gets better as I know them more. But if not I won't be able to carry on this facade.

There are drugs specifically to help with social anxiety issues but you could take on a temporary basis… I'm certainly not a drug pusher but I know that these are very effective… If you're physically able to get up and out then just go out for a walk for five minutes you can do this by yourself you don't need to interact with anyone the fresh air alone will make you feel a little bit better.....Please feel better... There's no reason you have to suffer like this

 

[Empty Smile]

I never got into the gaming, for the same reason as you, I didn't talk much. So after maybe 3 days, I just gave it up.

I can't even socialize with real people. I might as well be in the woods where there are no people, and be more comfortable.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Exactly what you say man, I do want to say something but there's something stopping me from speaking loudly and comfortably like the others. I also use a higher toned voice than my normal man voice and it's hard to control. All the shit I've been through has turned me into a total bitch.
And just like you I wasn't an introvert when I was normal, I see myself in you a lot..
I got 3.5K hours in CSGO xD Great waste of a lifetime. My depression got this bad while i tried to go pro in that game. I was locked playing that stupid game 1 year in a room all day.


Well indeed. That's another huge thing. I'm dead inside and ain't interested in anything outside of the game mechanics. So for example they started talking about game of thrones and I'm just like "so boring". It's just a stupid ass fucking life.

Yeah the higher pitch voice happens too, so if I finally try and seize a moment to break into the conversation I will just think omg I am so getting roasted for my voice and the sound of desperate in 2 sec.

 

[spanishguy22]

There are drugs specifically to help with social anxiety issues but you could take on a temporary basis… I'm certainly not a drug pusher but I know that these are very effective… If you're physically able to get up and out then just go out for a walk for five minutes you can do this by yourself you don't need to interact with anyone the fresh air alone will make you feel a little bit better.....Please feel better... There's no reason you have to suffer like this

Yeah you're right ... It's just that SSRIs got very serious sides and sometimes they persist even after taking them.
I really need to force myself to walk...
I stay in the house all day but I know that's bad.
Thank you though I will consider it and hope you feel better too :)

Yeah the higher pitch voice happens too, so if I finally try and seize a moment to break into the conversation I will just think omg I am so getting roasted for my voice and the sound of desperate in 2 sec.

Yeah also I'm very low in testosterone (post steroids sides) perhaps I'm sabotaging myself by not getting treated... I was quite confident previously like 6 months ago before starting...

Exactly I dread the feeling of talking while anxious, thinking about how beta i sound or something haha

 

[lynn14]

I'm isolated and alienated for different reasons, although I'm not shy, on the contrary my big mouth has lost me friends and admirers. But that's not really what I've lived in pursuit of either.

I've also had so many "friends" in life show me that they'd piss in the wind if they knew it was blowing in my direction.

To be honest a lot of the reason I continue living is to spite my enemies. They'd breathe a sigh of relief if I did to myself what they want done to me. But alas I still have to manage my depression somehow, for my family if not for personal reasons.

I don't really even try to form friendships anymore since I am so disillusioned. I only care about my family and no one else.

 

[JadedGray]

At this point I've been isolated too long to even know how to socialize anymore. I've never been good at starting conversations or engaging in small talk. The fear of rejection and being embarrassed is too much and my social anxiety means I'm obsessed with how I appear to others and what I say. I used to spend the whole day ruminating over a conversation I had hours ago and what I said wrong.

 

[Donewitheverything]

I barely go outside, honestly. Socialization just wears me down in real life. I'd rather do gaming, study a new craft, or even talk to my online pals than deal with people who look down on me.

 

[headinghome]

Yeah you're right ... It's just that SSRIs got very serious sides and sometimes they persist even after taking them.
I really need to force myself to walk...
I stay in the house all day but I know that's bad.
Thank you though I will consider it and hope you feel better too :)

Yeah also I'm very low in testosterone (post steroids sides) perhaps I'm sabotaging myself by not getting treated... I was quite confident previously like 6 months ago before starting...

Exactly I dread the feeling of talking while anxious, thinking about how beta i sound or something haha

Don't think they use SSRIs for social anxiety....sometimes beta blockers and I used small doses of Xanax that worked perfectly..

 

[spanishguy22]

stupid update: today went better socially, but then some time later two guys of the team (who were the only ones i could potentially befriend) asked me to join their teamspeak to play some matches, i did, and a few minutes later they got in one match and i got in another so there was little to speak of. I was bored with their talk of their match so i muted them without saying anything and went on to play. I realized how cringy this was more and more, and then i was so embarrased later than i just had to say goodbye im gooing to bed all nervously (going to bed 12pm on a friday btw cringe) and that my dad was going to bed. Im a 22 year old guy... why did i have to do this stupid shit and then say this stupud shit? i couldnt even listen to their reactions and said bye and left.
This has been such a cringy experience with the only people i could be friends with that im done, im so tired of it all. Im going offline forever in that community and try to forget all that stress. I will be very bored and sad again, but theres no way i can continue with them after that.
All my life this has been the note, since teenager. Ive only had cringy unlucky situations and then im just so socially anxious as a result, and still unlucky. Im done with it. so bad
ill try to get into another different game and community where noone knows me and at least i wont have that cringy aura aroudn me anymore, so ill be free of this social stress, i was gettting sick of it. but it wont be the same... fuck it.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

stupid update: today went better socially, but then some time later two guys of the team (who were the only ones i could potentially befriend) asked me to join their teamspeak to play some matches, i did, and a few minutes later they got in one match and i got in another so there was little to speak of. I was bored with their talk of their match so i muted them without saying anything and went on to play. I realized how cringy this was more and more, and then i was so embarrased later than i just had to say goodbye im gooing to bed all nervously (going to bed 12pm on a friday btw cringe) and that my dad was going to bed. Im a 22 year old guy... why did i have to do this stupid shit and then say this stupud shit? i couldnt even listen to their reactions and said bye and left.
This has been such a cringy experience with the only people i could be friends with that im done, im so tired of it all. Im going offline forever in that community and try to forget all that stress. I will be very bored and sad again, but theres no way i can continue with them after that.
All my life this has been the note, since teenager. Ive only had cringy unlucky situations and then im just so socially anxious as a result, and still unlucky. Im done with it. so bad
ill try to get into another different game and community where noone knows me and at least i wont have that cringy aura aroudn me anymore, so ill be free of this social stress, i was gettting sick of it. but it wont be the same... fuck it.

It's not as bad as it feels to you, i'm pretty sure of it. I'd say give it another go tbh. You wont get past that moments or improve your interactions if you dont try. Still i dont want to be that stay positive guy i'm as much of a cynic as the next guy. so instead a game recommendation to occupy some time

Dead by daylight: it's not one the shooters that are so popular these days but I find it a great stress reliever and you might also. If you play ps4 we could even play together, I dont care how awkward you are, i'm also awkward. I am a bit older though 36, so we may have issues connecting on that premise but thought i'd throw it out there anyway

 

[spanishguy22]

It's not as bad as it feels to you, i'm pretty sure of it. I'd say give it another go tbh. You wont get past that moments or improve your interactions if you dont try. Still i dont want to be that stay positive guy i'm as much of a cynic as the next guy. so instead a game recommendation to occupy some time

Dead by daylight: it's not one the shooters that are so popular these days but I find it a great stress reliever and you might also. If you play ps4 we could even play together, I dont care how awkward you are, i'm also awkward. I am a bit older though 36, so we may have issues connecting on that premise but thought i'd throw it out there anyway

Thanks man, I already told the leader I'm out and definitely better about quitting than staying. It was too much stress any way.
I don't have a PS4 only PC thing is I don't enjoy any videogames anymore only the competitive social aspect interested me now I ain't got that. It's fine though dw

 

[Sirroscoe]

I feel the same. Only time I truly felt alive was playing semi pro csgo, and hardcore full loot mmo's (mortal online was my main one) problem is I immensely enjoyed sharing this with my ex fiancee. She's been married nearly two years now, she's moved forward massively and I've slid backwards, at a sharp angle.


I find now I can still kinda enjoy gaming but it's just not the same, I'm no longer competitive and I just don't have the motivation to do anything other than grindlessly level alts on wow.

Any Pc gamers wanna possible play something, lemme know. I used to be massively active in gaming communities of certain games like gmod and in the EU csgo scene. Now I don't talk to a single person on steam, I grew up having dozens of friends I played with and spoke to on steam, ts3 etc. No longer.

Don't think they use SSRIs for social anxiety....sometimes beta blockers and I used small doses of Xanax that worked perfectly..

Apologies for double post. Had the address this; ssri's are absolutely used for anxiety. They're more common for GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) but they are deemed way safer than any benzo's or beta blockers by 99 percent of gp's. They don't do much for me regardless though, depression anxiety or bpd and I've tried like 8 ssri's at this point as well as tca's, ssri's, teca's etc. Only things I've never tried are the old first generation anti depressants, maoi's monoamine oxidase inhibitors, hard to get nowadays.

I was studying to be a psychologist for reference and my mum was a pharmacist for her entire work life, grew up around pills haha.

 

[Monster]

You can find some different games to play. Solo games. Whatever you want.