The only times I can find peace is when I imagine my death

[Soapie]

Im laying in bed right now just picturing my body in a pool of blood, or hanging from the ceiling, or simply dropped dead from N. It sounds so so nice. Every single worry I've ever had just... Poof. Ceased to exist. Thinking about it is like a sort of meditation for me at this point. I can breathe calmly and think clearly. It's really strange that suicidal ideation is helping me cope through life. Is that healthy? Probably not, but it's not like that matters. I just want to be gone so bad

 

[Bamman]

Maybe not healthy but I do it all the time because I know I will have no pain anymore. It's a normal emotion for most of us here, the funny part about it is none of us will even be aware of that relief that we have sought for so long when we finally ctb.
Even though it's normal it's not what I call ideal, at least for me. I wish I didn't have to ctb but my mental and physical health is only getting worse. I find once you start thinking about this sort of thing you don't really stop.

really whatever helps get you through. I try to find other paths but I'm just to damn committed now as depressing as that is for me to admit. I do still go through denial most days.

 

[BehindTheWall]

I do the same thing when I drive to my job. I'm planning all the details, even the insignifiant. And to be honest, I can't wait to go.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.

I feel so much peace when I think about my death.

Also, I'm so curious about what's coming next.

Some believe it's just like the time be before we were born: we simply won't exist. Some others cling to religious beliefs such as heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc. And a few ones, just like me, believe we're in some kind of simulation haha. (I'm not sure of this, though. I prefer to say I'm an agnostic because I'm open to all the possibilities).

 

[ClairyFairy]

I too can relate to this feeling. If I'm in the woods I can feel myself hanging from a tree, my body goes wierd and it's like I've jumped with the rope round my neck. In work I find it hard because certain areas make me start, it's more than, imagining my suicide. It freaks me out

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

Im laying in bed right now just picturing my body in a pool of blood, or hanging from the ceiling, or simply dropped dead from N. It sounds so so nice. Every single worry I've ever had just... Poof. Ceased to exist. Thinking about it is like a sort of meditation for me at this point. I can breathe calmly and think clearly. It's really strange that suicidal ideation is helping me cope through life. Is that healthy? Probably not, but it's not like that matters. I just want to be gone so bad

@Soapie I can relate. There's something incredibly peaceful about thinking of actually committing suicide. No more pain, no more struggle, and the finality of it.
I haven't thought of it as a meditation, but I can see that. It's definitely better feeling at peace while fantasizing about suicide. Much better than suicidal thoughts being so overwhelming and scary.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

[mpnf]

Im laying in bed right now just picturing my body in a pool of blood, or hanging from the ceiling, or simply dropped dead from N. It sounds so so nice. Every single worry I've ever had just... Poof. Ceased to exist. Thinking about it is like a sort of meditation for me at this point. I can breathe calmly and think clearly. It's really strange that suicidal ideation is helping me cope through life. Is that healthy? Probably not, but it's not like that matters. I just want to be gone so bad

This happened to me before I actually thought the same until I started to gather all the necessary tools to actually commit suicide and felt like there was only two month left for me on this earth. I started panicking and thought of the consequences all the time and the suffering has not stopped ever since. I'm scared of failing and go mental that not even medication could help me or bedridden/vegetative.

I just wish everything to stop and this virus to be controlled enough that they let you travel overseas. I don't find it comforting anymore...but sad and terrifying.