GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
I am at day 13 and I wanted to self-absorbedly word-vomit since I have nothing to do with my time. The goal of the challenge is to never cry again, with one year (or however long until possible unexpected events may cause an emergency ctb) as the lowest acceptable duration. The point of this is to get used to identifying and destroying my sadness, emptiness, emotional pain, tenderness and everything else that is making my autistic incel NEET life painful.
Focusing on specifically not crying and making it into a challenge is not the point, it serves as a symbol of what I want. I want to live the remainder of my life without needing what I can not obtain, without overriding my own autistic inner frameworks and guidance systems in favour of some shade of some kind of standard model for life.
I have this sense of the average person, maybe you do too. The person that does the summary of everything that everyone does divided by the number of everybody. I read somewhere that if you take hundreds of faces and synthesize them into one face, you end up with the face of someone that's very attractive. The further away you are from this, the less attractive you are, the more flaws lurk beneath your phenotype. Same principle goes with everything where people are the fabric, judge and executioner. Job markets, educations, finance, business, dating, non-solitary hobbies. There is an overhanging standard in these spheres, the flawless face, what you should look like. People deny it, but they act in perfect accordance with its existence.
It will jump into your head and stay there, then it will start issuing commands. Remind you of anything?
The nail that sticks up will get hammered down, but I will no longer do the hammering myself.
Want to vent more, especially about my fears, but I liked the length of this and I'm already bordering on TL;DR territory.
Focusing on specifically not crying and making it into a challenge is not the point, it serves as a symbol of what I want. I want to live the remainder of my life without needing what I can not obtain, without overriding my own autistic inner frameworks and guidance systems in favour of some shade of some kind of standard model for life.
I have this sense of the average person, maybe you do too. The person that does the summary of everything that everyone does divided by the number of everybody. I read somewhere that if you take hundreds of faces and synthesize them into one face, you end up with the face of someone that's very attractive. The further away you are from this, the less attractive you are, the more flaws lurk beneath your phenotype. Same principle goes with everything where people are the fabric, judge and executioner. Job markets, educations, finance, business, dating, non-solitary hobbies. There is an overhanging standard in these spheres, the flawless face, what you should look like. People deny it, but they act in perfect accordance with its existence.
It will jump into your head and stay there, then it will start issuing commands. Remind you of anything?
The nail that sticks up will get hammered down, but I will no longer do the hammering myself.
Want to vent more, especially about my fears, but I liked the length of this and I'm already bordering on TL;DR territory.