SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
Hi, this is my first post here. I frequented this website when I was younger, when I first began feeling depressed. I had forgotten about it until I ran across it the other night while researching methods. Now I can actually post! Wooh. 7 years later and I'm back ... but things get better, right?
Well, I'm done. I'm tired. I've been planning on ctb for over a month now. I was thinking about it before my fiance left me. Then he left. Which just made it worse. Honestly, he was not good, he was very manipulative and psychologically abusive. I made excuses and was ignorant to it for a long time, then as soon as he broke up with me my family and friends decided to be more upfront about how they felt. The majority of them never liked him, thought he was an asshole, that it was one sided, and that I could do better. Now don't get me wrong, and don't drag my friends for not speaking up, a lot of them did. They didn't say it as directly while I was with him, they tried to gently show me, but they weren't silent about it. All my good friends weren't anyways, the ones who only SUDDENLY had the revelation that he treated me badly after we broke up, I have dropped. I can look back at the relationship and see the bad now, see how bad it really was, see all the empty promises he made.
Anyways, back to the point. My fiance left me. He was bad. I should be happier, right? I should feel like there's a weight off my shoulders. I should be looking forward to a brighter future without someone who disregarded my needs, my dreams, and frequently ignored me and used me. The only hope I had though, was the future I had agreed to build with him. Really, I had almost no life goals or dreams for the future, the only one I had was quickly squashed by my ex-fiance. At least I was with someone I loved though. It didn't matter that my one life goal would never happen. At least I could build a life with him, and maybe, maybe one day I would be satisfied with my life. It was like the last strand on a rope. I had no other reasons to continue, but I didn't want to leave him like that. I would keep fighting so that I could have a future with him, so that he would be happy, so I wouldn't be more of a burden than I already am, because he chose me. Me, with my depression, with my insecurities, with my self destructive tendencies and impulses, all my baggage, ALL my anxieties ... and he proposed to me! His friends all told me they had never seen him happier. I had something I thought was good. Someone I loved to wake up beside. Someone who's arms felt like home. Someone who could instantly calm me down with just a hug. It's hard to remember all the bad because he was my last hope. It was good enough.
He was also the last partner my Grandma met before she passed away, she knew we were engaged ... that meant something. That's gone now. In hindsight, maybe she would be happy. I think he reminded her of my grandfather, who was also abusive, whom she stayed with till death because that was the promise she made, even though he frequently told her he wished he never married her, among worse things. I don't know though. I'll never get to know now. She was important to me, I wish I could talk to her about this. All I have is my cat, my friends, and my immediate family, but I know that they will all be okay. They have other people, better people, that will look out for them. Right now all I'm doing is prolonging suffering. I don't know if things will get better, people constantly say that, but it's been years. Nothing has gotten better. Therapy helps temporarily, medication doesn't seem to be enough, seeing my friends is cool and all, but at the end of the day I still lay in bed and daydream about shoving a metal rod through my skull. I have no reason to be here other than sparing the feelings of those who care for me. I'm not sure that's enough. Honestly, last night, I decided definitively that I would ctb as soon as possible, and I've felt so much better since. Cried because I still miss my ex-fiance, but not as much as before, because it will be over soon. The suffering will end. I can finally rest. I'm trying to act normal, make plans, go out. If I seem normal, then no one will know to worry, no one will think to check. The only person who might is an online friend that's on the opposite side of the planet, they cannot do much when I decide to go. I'm just so tired of fighting, this is all bittersweet. I'm actually smiling right now. It will end. I just regret that it will hurt those around me. They don't really understand though ... they tell me things will get better, they don't want to lose me, that I just need to give it time. "Day by day, moment by moment." Well, I've given it time, I've waited, I've tried medication and therapy and going out everyday and staying home to look after myself and picking up hobbies and exercise and going to the hospital and meditation and distraction after distraction. It's just not getting better. It isn't even about me anymore, it's about them and what they want.
Life is a long, dark tunnel. I've been trying to see the light at the end for years now, and it just never comes. No matter what I do. No matter what changes I try to make. No matter how much effort I put into something. I land right back on my ass. There is no point. There is nothing to keep fighting for. Things won't get better, and I've lost the only thing I thought was worth sticking around for. I can't wait to finally have some peace, it's the only reason I've not ctb yet; because I have to get it right. Maybe that's the real light at the end of the tunnel, I finally feel a little relief with the knowledge that I will be leaving.
Well, I'm done. I'm tired. I've been planning on ctb for over a month now. I was thinking about it before my fiance left me. Then he left. Which just made it worse. Honestly, he was not good, he was very manipulative and psychologically abusive. I made excuses and was ignorant to it for a long time, then as soon as he broke up with me my family and friends decided to be more upfront about how they felt. The majority of them never liked him, thought he was an asshole, that it was one sided, and that I could do better. Now don't get me wrong, and don't drag my friends for not speaking up, a lot of them did. They didn't say it as directly while I was with him, they tried to gently show me, but they weren't silent about it. All my good friends weren't anyways, the ones who only SUDDENLY had the revelation that he treated me badly after we broke up, I have dropped. I can look back at the relationship and see the bad now, see how bad it really was, see all the empty promises he made.
Anyways, back to the point. My fiance left me. He was bad. I should be happier, right? I should feel like there's a weight off my shoulders. I should be looking forward to a brighter future without someone who disregarded my needs, my dreams, and frequently ignored me and used me. The only hope I had though, was the future I had agreed to build with him. Really, I had almost no life goals or dreams for the future, the only one I had was quickly squashed by my ex-fiance. At least I was with someone I loved though. It didn't matter that my one life goal would never happen. At least I could build a life with him, and maybe, maybe one day I would be satisfied with my life. It was like the last strand on a rope. I had no other reasons to continue, but I didn't want to leave him like that. I would keep fighting so that I could have a future with him, so that he would be happy, so I wouldn't be more of a burden than I already am, because he chose me. Me, with my depression, with my insecurities, with my self destructive tendencies and impulses, all my baggage, ALL my anxieties ... and he proposed to me! His friends all told me they had never seen him happier. I had something I thought was good. Someone I loved to wake up beside. Someone who's arms felt like home. Someone who could instantly calm me down with just a hug. It's hard to remember all the bad because he was my last hope. It was good enough.
He was also the last partner my Grandma met before she passed away, she knew we were engaged ... that meant something. That's gone now. In hindsight, maybe she would be happy. I think he reminded her of my grandfather, who was also abusive, whom she stayed with till death because that was the promise she made, even though he frequently told her he wished he never married her, among worse things. I don't know though. I'll never get to know now. She was important to me, I wish I could talk to her about this. All I have is my cat, my friends, and my immediate family, but I know that they will all be okay. They have other people, better people, that will look out for them. Right now all I'm doing is prolonging suffering. I don't know if things will get better, people constantly say that, but it's been years. Nothing has gotten better. Therapy helps temporarily, medication doesn't seem to be enough, seeing my friends is cool and all, but at the end of the day I still lay in bed and daydream about shoving a metal rod through my skull. I have no reason to be here other than sparing the feelings of those who care for me. I'm not sure that's enough. Honestly, last night, I decided definitively that I would ctb as soon as possible, and I've felt so much better since. Cried because I still miss my ex-fiance, but not as much as before, because it will be over soon. The suffering will end. I can finally rest. I'm trying to act normal, make plans, go out. If I seem normal, then no one will know to worry, no one will think to check. The only person who might is an online friend that's on the opposite side of the planet, they cannot do much when I decide to go. I'm just so tired of fighting, this is all bittersweet. I'm actually smiling right now. It will end. I just regret that it will hurt those around me. They don't really understand though ... they tell me things will get better, they don't want to lose me, that I just need to give it time. "Day by day, moment by moment." Well, I've given it time, I've waited, I've tried medication and therapy and going out everyday and staying home to look after myself and picking up hobbies and exercise and going to the hospital and meditation and distraction after distraction. It's just not getting better. It isn't even about me anymore, it's about them and what they want.
Life is a long, dark tunnel. I've been trying to see the light at the end for years now, and it just never comes. No matter what I do. No matter what changes I try to make. No matter how much effort I put into something. I land right back on my ass. There is no point. There is nothing to keep fighting for. Things won't get better, and I've lost the only thing I thought was worth sticking around for. I can't wait to finally have some peace, it's the only reason I've not ctb yet; because I have to get it right. Maybe that's the real light at the end of the tunnel, I finally feel a little relief with the knowledge that I will be leaving.