SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
Some days I am okay with the slow pace I must take in order to ctb, I can enjoy the few foods I still like, I can cuddle my cat and see my friends. It hurts more to think of leaving my cat, because she is very attached and will cry if I leave the house, or if she can't find me. Not sure she'll understand that I'm gone. She might wander around and cry for days after. While I wait to figure everything out, find the right time when I'll be isolated, and try to gather what supplies I need, I can still enjoy the small things though. Those days are nice. My intentions are still clear, and a haze has been lifted. There are things that can enjoyable when I'm not fighting my own thoughts. I want to ctb, and that's okay. No need to fight the inevitable anymore.
Other days as soon as I wake up it's like getting hit with a bag of rocks. I want to leave. I want to ctb now. I don't want to wait. It hurts, being alive hurts, everything in me just wants to stop. I wish I could turn myself off, sleep is as close as I can get but my body doesn't want to turn off. I wish I could do something now, but if I do it now it will be half-assed and most likely unsuccessful. These days suck the most. Everything feels exhausting. I wish there were easier methods to procure, I wish the body wouldn't fight as hard as it does. In the wild animals can have a forced miscarriage if they are unhealthy or unfit to carry their young. I wish we had a similar mechanism but in regards to our own life. If we can't or don't want to keep going, we have every right to shut off.
Other days as soon as I wake up it's like getting hit with a bag of rocks. I want to leave. I want to ctb now. I don't want to wait. It hurts, being alive hurts, everything in me just wants to stop. I wish I could turn myself off, sleep is as close as I can get but my body doesn't want to turn off. I wish I could do something now, but if I do it now it will be half-assed and most likely unsuccessful. These days suck the most. Everything feels exhausting. I wish there were easier methods to procure, I wish the body wouldn't fight as hard as it does. In the wild animals can have a forced miscarriage if they are unhealthy or unfit to carry their young. I wish we had a similar mechanism but in regards to our own life. If we can't or don't want to keep going, we have every right to shut off.