Venting Suicidal again after stopping meds

[tuto170]

I stopped cymbalta couple of months ago and once again im suicidal. I dont feel like im depressed, just suffering from nrgatives symptoms of paranoid schizoohrenia. I recently quit my job after coming from paid quarantine leave. On my documents im only have 35% workforce left compared to a normal person. Most of my energy is taken by antipsychotics. Although I look healthy, I get tired quickly and I need at least 12 hours of sleep to feel at least functional. As i quit my job, I was once again started to get bullied by anyone I know and I know what they think, they think "what a worthless piece of shit, doesnt work and stays on benefits". All the benefits i get is 150€ a month and everything cost the same as in western europe. Those who knows how much i get, they say "you are on your mothers support at late 20's, shame on you". The problem is Im in small 50k people town and most options are working 12 hour shifts in a factory and most better jobs are occupied. I have a degree in history with honours and speak 4 languages, the problem is i cant bear long hours, if i could get part time job it would be great, like 20hrs a week. But thoae jobs are usually cleaning jobs that after 4 hours you feel like after 10 hours shift. The problen with my government is that doesnt matter how many hours you work, the employer has to pay social security tax for like a full timer. That is why employer is inclined to hire people only full time. I ak reconsidering restarting cymbalta, but i had such a crazy insomnia on it, to think its not worth it. I am still looking at jobs, but none has called me or anything, I am looking for like insurance specialist jobs, that would include a lot of sitting and having an hour break, cause all my last jobs had me having no breaks at all, or best 20mins break to eat, smoke and go to the toilet and would be pissed off if youre a minute late. I talked with my mom to transfer me to a care home, but she just starts crying everytime and says: " Am i too harsh on you my son, what have I done to you?" And this is how basically ends the convo. I would like to go to a care home to live, at least I would be fed and given bed till the ends of days and having 80€ a month for smoking would be sufficient as I smoke rollies and rollies are so cheap in my country. My mom thinks that she is the problem why i want to go to a care home, the problem is the society we live in, where a man looks at a man with no legs and understand that he is disabled and cant work most jobs and while looking at me while having the same percentage disability and thinks "why is this lazy piece of shit not going to work". I started to think i would go for a long walk alongside the railway and see what happens...

 

[WornOutLife]

I stopped taking my meds suddenly last year and tried to ctb some weeks later!!
It seems we gotta quit them veeery gradually.

Sorry you've had to be through all that.

People, even our families, can be really mean!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[motel rooms]

I talked with my mom to transfer me to a care home, but she just starts crying everytime and says: " Am i too harsh on you my son, what have I done to you?" And this is how basically ends the convo. I would like to go to a care home to live, at least I would be fed and given bed till the ends of days and having 80€ a month for smoking would be sufficient as I smoke rollies and rollies are so cheap in my country. My mom thinks that she is the problem why i want to go to a care home, the problem is the society we live in. I started to think i would go for a long walk alongside the railway and see what happens...

Just go to a care home, your mother will be far more upset if you die...

 

[meetapple]

Does your country have anything like the Americans with Disabilities Act? It allows you to ask for reasonable accommodations once you are hired.