Venting stuck between wanting to CTB and being afraid to CTB because I can't let them win

[psp3000]

I want to see where everything goes in the next 2 - 3 years but I am becoming impatient
sometimes when I think of my deadline I get worried that if I do CTB that my past harassers and bullies will win and will be proven right

I still have nightmares about them sometimes and certain events relating to them although it's been over 8 - 13 years
they have affected me in many ways when it comes to my late adolescents and my adult life (when I do leave the house I only leave the house at certain times of the day when many people aren't out and I always wear baggy clothes instead of the clothes I want to wear because I am ashamed of the features that are commonly sexualized and I am still socially inept but I try my best but I still can't make connections with people or friends in both the real world and online)
I even get the urge to see what they're doing with their lives sometimes although they are probably hard to find now

when time has proved to me that I am not missing out on anything and there isn't anything or anyone worth considering living for and seeking out help isn't enough and the world is still the same I would like to go with peace not with anger or fear but I just can't stop remembering everything all of the time I wish I could forget and move forward

 

[StolenLife]

I relate so much to what you're feeling. I was bullied too pretty heavily for eight years straight. The nightmares and going out with carefully picked clothes at cetrain times of the day sound so familiar. I wish I could move on too but it's impossible for me. Hopefully it's possible for you one day.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I'm sorry people have put you thru so much. Idk how cruelty becomes normalized by some. It sounds like you are taking a pragmatic stance and practicing self-compassion in the ways that you can, which I respect.

 

[R.E.N.]

Living for the sake of others especially those who ostracized you seems silly. Your decisions are for yourself, and, even if they somehow discover you went with it, it won't matter to you because you have passed on. I actually think it probably wouldn't even stay on their minds for long either. With ctb, you are killing your ego and alongside any 'battles' with it. No need to remain attached to such mind games.

 

[psp3000]

Idk how cruelty becomes normalized by some.

same. I will never understand it even if there's a reason behind it for example with most people the explanation as to why their bully bullied them is because "they have things going on at home etc." I had many things going on at home when I was younger or things going on with my mental health but my reaction and coping mechanism was isolation and art, not harassing people

but I guess everyone is different and people don't question or think about things all the time the moment before, during, and sometimes even after they do such things to other people

I also can't understand how doing stuff like that doesn't always weigh on the conscious of people later in life and how they can just move on and live a normal life, have children and completely forget really makes me feel like having the ability to forget things and be oblivious to ones own actions is a privilege

 

[getfree05]

Being a woman and getting sexualised daily sucks , you're not letting them win bc they might've not even considered them selves wrong or they simply don't care , so it's you're choice in the end definitely not them

 

[psp3000]

Being a woman and getting sexualised daily sucks , you're not letting them win bc they might've not even considered them selves wrong or they simply don't care , so it's you're choice in the end definitely not them

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I usually avoid it because that a hard thing/reality

(also because of some comments that really baffled me on this website about a couple days to a week ago)

to accept that women and young girls will always be sexualized it doesn't matter what you, do how you act, or how you dress

I don't know how to explain it maybe it's different for me due to my personal experiences with sexual harassment but after I read these specific comments it made me feel like it was my fault

(because some person mentioned that "young girls children and teenagers are more developed than most women these days" and stuff about consent laws)

although it wasn't and I am aware that it wasn't because no one can control what their body looks like and I was a child who developed early and I was just existing and then after that event and realizing and accepting what happened recently years later I haven't been the same or looked at the world the same since

sorry for the long reply by the way I just thought this was interesting

 

[getfree05]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I usually avoid it because that a hard thing/reality

(also because of some comments that really baffled me on this website about a couple days to a week ago)

to accept that women and young girls will always be sexualized it doesn't matter what you, do how you act, or how you dress

I don't know how to explain it maybe it's different for me due to my personal experiences with sexual harassment but after I read these specific comments it made me feel like it was my fault

(because some person mentioned that "young girls children and teenagers are more developed than most women these days" and stuff about consent laws)

although it wasn't and I am aware that it wasn't because no one can control what their body looks like and I was a child who developed early and I was just existing and then after that event and realizing and accepting what happened recently years later I haven't been the same or looked at the world the same since

sorry for the long reply by the way I just thought this was interesting

No I don't mean you can accept it hell no ,it happens daily but that they're "developed" that doesn't make it ur fault or to even make you feel that it's ur fault. Walking down the streets and getting sexualised over the stupidest shit doesn't make it your problem bc even children that aren't "developed in any kind of way get SA , so it's not about clothes or body it's about their sick minds bc (most )men tend to think with their dicks

 

[leavingsoon99]

I want to see where everything goes in the next 2 - 3 years but I am becoming impatient
sometimes when I think of my deadline I get worried that if I do CTB that my past harassers and bullies will win and will be proven right

I still have nightmares about them sometimes and certain events relating to them although it's been over 8 - 13 years
they have affected me in many ways when it comes to my late adolescents and my adult life (when I do leave the house I only leave the house at certain times of the day when many people aren't out and I always wear baggy clothes instead of the clothes I want to wear because I am ashamed of the features that are commonly sexualized and I am still socially inept but I try my best but I still can't make connections with people or friends in both the real world and online)
I even get the urge to see what they're doing with their lives sometimes although they are probably hard to find now

when time has proved to me that I am not missing out on anything and there isn't anything or anyone worth considering living for and seeking out help isn't enough and the world is still the same I would like to go with peace not with anger or fear but I just can't stop remembering everything all of the time I wish I could forget and move forward

This is just MY personal opinion on this, because I used to think exactly like this. Win WHAT? I had merciless bullies and asshole parents. Teachers that would be fired from schools of any worth were my educators most of my life. It seems that whatever or whomever created this experience programmed it all to be against me. Yet, I just can't see the competition aspect of life. At least, not enough to compel me to stay in it to 'prove' something to someone. I already proved it by overcoming much of what happened to me. I don't want to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to. I wanted a life that I could be impressed with. I spent so much of my existence trying to "prove THEM wrong". FUCK "them". They never paid a fucking bill in my entire life. Not even my worthless assed father. I never slept with "them". I just see it as giving energy to a bunch of people who really, in the end, don't care nor matter to me.

I want a woman that I'm amazed by. I want a home that I am impressed with and like. I want a life that I think is awesome. If I can't have that, then fuck anything else. And fuck what anyone else thinks of me. They didn't break me. I got this far, and my suicidality is more of what my mother and father did to me, as well as my total outlook on human existence. Sure, bullies made this very unpleasant. However, the human experience is unpleasant in and of itself. The fact that this species charges itself to exist says enough about life. I don't need to find my father and show him what I did without him. A part of me wanted to show off a beautiful woman to my mother. However, looking back, my mother wasn't worthy of that ritual. She was one of the most toxic elements of my existence. The worst mistake I made in my life was trying to reconnect with her and "prove" something to her. I would've been better off cutting my losses and leaving my family alone. Period.

I do still think back at all the times I was bullied and abused, and wonder what it would've been like to have things work out differently. However, also like you, I see that I didn't miss out on anything. I feel fortunate that I'm not like everyone else on the planet. It means that I truly am unique. I'm not going to share the fate of the rest of the human race, per se. We all die. However, I feel empowered by my ctb. I feel like self-termination is also self-affirmation. It means that there is a part of me that will never be conquered because I asserted to life who and what I am. I didn't continue in a meaningless, twisted game. Life feels like living in the mind of an asshole. It's empowering to know that I am able to remove myself from it.

I sympathize with you in many ways. I wish you peace and love in your journey, whatever path you choose.