Venting Sometimes I get lost

[Onomotopoeia]

Sometimes I get lost in my head. Every thought is a rabbit hole without end and yet sometimes, some things keep coming back. Like me being suicidal. It's been the most consistent thought I have ever had and yet it's been over a decade since I put any real thought and/or action into CTB.

It seems such a difficult task with more chance for failure than success. I have never actually finished anything in my life so it makes some karmic sense I would never actually commit suicide. I wish I had an actual reason. When I was younger pain had such sharp edges it almost encouraged suicide. Now that I am older there is no pain, mild annoyance at best and it just seems so pointless.

I do not have any reasons to die, nor do I have reasons to live. I have no reasons at all and often I wish life had those sharp edges of pain that I once wished away.

Sometimes I get lost in my head. It's easy to do when there is nobody else around and i'm always alone. How strange that in my solitude I do not wish for company, just drugs to improve my time.

I had no reason to post this, and there was no reason for you to read this. Sometimes I like to feel like i'm talking to someone at least now maybe someone could talk back, i'm bored and lost in my head.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Think a good portion of what you are describing is Ennui ....the rest - well I spend a lot of time alone (even if I am in a crowd) and I find it leads to a lot of internalizing.... eventually you just live in your mind. Enjoying your drugs, contemplating things- frozen away from the reality passing. In May ways I would like the other side of death to be something like that. A way to sequester myself- my consciousness- into a place where I can be unharnessed from obligation and in many ways more safe.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Ennui - I like this word though i'm not sure i've ever heard it before and had to look it up, but yes it fits well. I agree it is kind of the obligation of life that is a bother. If only I did not "need" so many things. Shelter, water, food, job etc... If I could be without needs or obligations yes, that would be kind of ideal wouldnt it?

 

[Dead_Inside]

It most surely would.... I could possibly float in my own consciousness experience my thoughts, memories and day dreams while allowing the chemicals of my choosing to wash over me for a many thousand years.... but instead I am here and it hurts, and I am not good, and I am worried and I am something called human- which comes with so many obligations and injuries.... and how dare I try to find my happiness!
... but sometimes.... I get close to where that perfect place is.... just lay there in the sun on my bed and have my chemicals and my thoughts- and my mind is free and away from here.....

 

[GeorgeEastman]

The needs and obligations are never enough either.

Once you get the food, water, shelter, etc. it's always something else. Now I want this. Now I want that. There's no being grateful for anything. And this is all of damn society. Nothing is good enough ever. You either have to tell the world to fuck off or deal with all of them telling you about how much you suck even if you beat them all in their stupid ass games.

When you win, you still lose. That's why I'm ready to just declare the damn game over.

 

[Dead_Inside]

There's no being grateful for anything. And this is all of damn society. Nothing is good enough ever. You either have to tell the world to fuck off or deal with all of them telling you about how much you suck even if you beat them all in their stupid ass games.

When you win, you still lose. That's why I'm ready to just declare the damn game over.

I can feel this for sure.