easypeasy

easypeasy

Member
Jul 1, 2024
58
Today I finally have what I need to exit. It's taken a few years to get it all together and research things. The only thing stopping me is the proximity to Christmas. (I will likely make it a very sad Christmas for others).

I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?


This does mean enduring almost a month more of worsening painful symptoms and isolation. The isolation is a choice, as those close to me often say the wrong thing. For example…they comment "I know what you're feeling". Which is absurd and one or two people acknowledge this is insane. I have no issue being alone…but I know people will want to visit close to Christmas Day as it makes them feel like hey are being helpful. Unfortunately I don't want them to visit as they make things worse. Most have the wrong impression that I'm alone and may be sad…but I actually feel happier if they don't visit. I have a couple of friends who I love to see, so I'm definitely not lonely…it's a choice.

if I Ctb close to Xmas, my best friend has young kids and I don't want to affect their Christmas now and years to come. I have left them some money in my will but I know it's irrelevant if people are making funeral plans at Xmas. I've mostly made peace with leaving in general because I have fought hard and let people help if they want to. They just can't or don't have it in them.

I really want to ctb before Xmas but I wonder if I should hang on until January. Sadly, I risk using all my Diazepam up between now and then, as it helps a lot with the physical pain. I've made sure not to ctb close to people's birthdays that I love……so at the moment, I have a window between now and Xmas. I feel considerably worse by the day and I have been on a rapid decline for 7 - 8 yrs but specifically in the last few years when a surgical attempt to help left me in a torturous state of being.

Any wise words you have to offer …. I would appreciate. Xoxo
 
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TennTrixie

Member
Aug 31, 2024
76
I have this same concern. I am wanting to CTB due to health problems, but don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. I am waiting until after the first of the year for that reason. Good luck with whatever you decide.
 
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easypeasy

easypeasy

Member
Jul 1, 2024
58
I have this same concern. I am wanting to CTB due to health problems, but don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. I am waiting until after the first of the year for that reason. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thank you for commenting. It's nice to know there's someone in the same boat. Xo
 
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helloandbye1

helloandbye1

joy division - atmosphere
Nov 30, 2024
30
I've thought about it too and decided to ctb in January, I want my family to have one last nice holiday with me.
 
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Ozzyno

Ozzyno

Lovely loner.
Oct 10, 2024
101
I almost died three days ago… I don't know about your problems but if you can think about any kind of solution about your life rethink the idea of killing yourself.

I think you should definitely wait after Christmas though, people enjoy very little time off in their lives with work and stuff…

Hope I don't sound rude. Bye bye 😊
 
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easypeasy

easypeasy

Member
Jul 1, 2024
58
I almost died three days ago… I don't know about your problems but if you can think about any kind of solution about your life rethink the idea of killing yourself.

I think you should definitely wait after Christmas though, people enjoy very little time off in their lives with work and stuff…

Hope I don't sound rude. Bye bye 😊
Thanks for your input. I've definitely exhausted every possible avenue. I live in excruciating pain and have for many years. It's degenerative and debilitating following several tragic surgical events. I've always been against suicide but I never knew such torture was possible day in day out.

Nothing helps and I've even looked into a hemicorporectomy where they amputate you from the bellybutton down. I'm not depressed or sad…it's simply a way to end this torture. If I was a dog…I'd have been euthanised out of love to stop this cruelty. I completely agree with you that we must never give up but there comes a point when it's inhumane to stay like this. Xoxoxooxo

Thank you for the chat and input xox
 
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Ozzyno

Ozzyno

Lovely loner.
Oct 10, 2024
101
Thanks for your input. I've definitely exhausted every possible avenue. I live in excruciating pain and have for many years. It's degenerative and debilitating following several tragic surgical events. I've always been against suicide but I never knew such torture was possible day in day out.

Nothing helps and I've even looked into a hemicorporectomy where they amputate you from the bellybutton down. I'm not depressed or sad…it's simply a way to end this torture. If I was a dog…I'd have been euthanised out of love to stop this cruelty. I completely agree with you that we must never give up but there comes a point when it's inhumane to stay like this. Xoxoxooxo

Thank you for the chat and input xox
No I get it. I'm not telling you 'don't give up', I was just making sure you really don't have any options and if you feel that bad that's completely your choice and understandable. I really feel bad reading about stories like yours. Maybe in the future no one will suffer like that thanks to medicine and scientific progression. Send you hugs. 🫂
 
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easypeasy

easypeasy

Member
Jul 1, 2024
58
No I get it. I'm not telling you 'don't give up', I was just making sure you really don't have any options and if you feel that bad that's completely your choice and understandable. I really feel bad reading about stories like yours. Maybe in the future no one will suffer like that thanks to medicine and scientific progression. Send you hugs. 🫂
You're so lovely, and your comment wasn't rude. I agree with that mentality. It's common sense to exhaust every avenue. Thank you…you're smart :)
 
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Failed.Angel

Failed.Angel

Member
Oct 11, 2024
13
Hi I will make a note here so I can remember to edit or make a new comment to write later I need to go work
 
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TennTrixie

Member
Aug 31, 2024
76
@easypeasy hemicorporectomy.... I'd not heard of this, so I looked it up.... it sounds absolutely horrible....I'm sorry you're in such distress that you would consider this...
 
ShatteredSerenity

ShatteredSerenity

I talk to God, but the sky is empty.
Nov 24, 2024
64
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
I don't know what to say since I'm torn about whether to CTB before Christmas myself. I'm ready to go any day now, but it feels wrong and selfish to spoil the holidays for others. I also fear what people would think of me after that. But I'm suffering constantly and it's only getting worse as the holidays approach, so desperaton may outweigh those concerns.

2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?
My wife has deeply, deeply betrayed me, but I could not bear the thought of dying without at least some degree of reconciliation with her, even if it was false. It's been hard, and I could only suppress so much of my true thoughts and feelings, but we reconciled enough to make a positive impact. I think it's worthwhile if you have the ability.
 
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Trav1989

Experienced
Jun 2, 2024
249
Eh, I can see your point of view OP but I did the same on my birthday month (when I was at my lowest) and then this rollercoaster of a life took an upturn while my life simultaneously grew busier until I put CRB on the back burner and here I am a few months later and still miserable yet lack the "drive" to go through with anything other than to live day by day.

I still feel as though a certain event in the near future that is upcoming may just give me the push I need though and it's full steam ahead from there.

My will and notes are finished and all of my other affairs (that matter to me) are as well though.

The only things left to do are to get that last push and coast off of it. I'll put up a goodbye post here at that point and log off/destroy my devices, grab my SN and some water along with my car keys and a pack of cigarettes and drive outside of town and head into the woods on foot and end things.

Haven't enjoyed this existence in years and have dealt with plenty of trauma so it will be great to finally CTB.

I may or may not wait until after New Year's, quite possible that I will for similar reasons to your own OP. My wife and I got back together a couple months ago, my parents are aging and my mother likely won't make it until the next one, and I haven't seen my brother in nearly six years and he will be present.

It would be kind of a dick move to just rain on the parade in such a way. I honestly feel as though I've been a member of the walking dead for quite a while now but I might just hang on a bit longer for them.

Then again, I might not.

Once I found out that my wife was pregnant with another man's child (one of over a dozen potential nameless partners in the span of her missed period alone) it pretty much broke me.

The DNA testing results should be back soon and once I know the child isn't mine for certain things will be easy to end.

If it is I will toss my SN that day and never consider CTN again as unlikely as the odds are for such to occur.

I was not to blame for my wife leaving, I waited for her to return from "finding herself" for a year and three months only for her to show up at my door and test pregnant two weeks later.

She also oddly brought up having a child and my opinions of it within hours of showing back up.

I'm not an idiot and I'm not the type to allow myself to be cucked which is why she left in the first place as she wanted an open marriage and refused and told her I value monogamy and honesty above all else in a marriage.

I also confronted her and asked to see her phone after she returned and she had been apparently fleeing her last fling as he was abusive so she likely assumed I'd be a better partner who is more stable for her pregnancy and to raise the child.

The fact is, I never wanted a child and she knew that and somehow she miraculously became pregnant despite using protection out of nowhere... Yeah okay.

Regardless, I'm not an asshole and I'm leaving her a good chunk of change so maybe she will have luck finding some other guy to help her through her pregnancy and childcare while I take the next train out of this existence.

I harbor no ill will towards her or anyone else and did my best in this life but if choosing to CTB is selfish, so be it.

Before the holidays, during them, or afterwards, I will do as I see fit. All I know is that this life is still on the shelf despite being well past it's "best by" date and everyone I have ever cared about or loved has taken advantage of me and/or betrayed me and I'm fucking sick of it.
 
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easypeasy

easypeasy

Member
Jul 1, 2024
58
Eh, I can see your point of view OP but I did the same on my birthday month (when I was at my lowest) and then this rollercoaster of a life took an upturn while my life simultaneously grew busier until I put CRB on the back burner and here I am a few months later and still miserable yet lack the "drive" to go through with anything other than to live day by day.

I still feel as though a certain event in the near future that is upcoming may just give me the push I need though and it's full steam ahead from there.

My will and notes are finished and all of my other affairs (that matter to me) are as well though.

The only things left to do are to get that last push and coast off of it. I'll put up a goodbye post here at that point and log off/destroy my devices, grab my SN and some water along with my car keys and a pack of cigarettes and drive outside of town and head into the woods on foot and end things.

Haven't enjoyed this existence in years and have dealt with plenty of trauma so it will be great to finally CTB.

I may or may not wait until after New Year's, quite possible that I will for similar reasons to your own OP. My wife and I got back together a couple months ago, my parents are aging and my mother likely won't make it until the next one, and I haven't seen my brother in nearly six years and he will be present.

It would be kind of a dick move to just rain on the parade in such a way. I honestly feel as though I've been a member of the walking dead for quite a while now but I might just hang on a bit longer for them.

Then again, I might not.

Once I found out that my wife was pregnant with another man's child (one of over a dozen potential nameless partners in the span of her missed period alone) it pretty much broke me.

The DNA testing results should be back soon and once I know the child isn't mine for certain things will be easy to end.

If it is I will toss my SN that day and never consider CTN again as unlikely as the odds are for such to occur.

I was not to blame for my wife leaving, I waited for her to return from "finding herself" for a year and three months only for her to show up at my door and test pregnant two weeks later.

She also oddly brought up having a child and my opinions of it within hours of showing back up.

I'm not an idiot and I'm not the type to allow myself to be cucked which is why she left in the first place as she wanted an open marriage and refused and told her I value monogamy and honesty above all else in a marriage.

I also confronted her and asked to see her phone after she returned and she had been apparently fleeing her last fling as he was abusive so she likely assumed I'd be a better partner who is more stable for her pregnancy and to raise the child.

The fact is, I never wanted a child and she knew that and somehow she miraculously became pregnant despite using protection out of nowhere... Yeah okay.

Regardless, I'm not an asshole and I'm leaving her a good chunk of change so maybe she will have luck finding some other guy to help her through her pregnancy and childcare while I take the next train out of this existence.

I harbor no ill will towards her or anyone else and did my best in this life but if choosing to CTB is selfish, so be it.

Before the holidays, during them, or afterwards, I will do as I see fit. All I know is that this life is still on the shelf despite being well past it's "best by" date and everyone I have ever cared about or loved has taken advantage of me and/or betrayed me and I'm fucking sick of it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. One thing stood out to me quite strongly…the pain (I know pain is an understatement) you have and the urge to leave hinges entirely on your wife's actions.

We are considering the same desire to end it but for different reasons. You strike me as someone who values themself….knows they deserve better and don't settle to be treated badly. I would love the chance to start a fam8ly with somebody. I'm just curious…have you considered that there are billions of options to create a family and you never have to deal with people who cheat ever again?

I hope you don't mind my question…I'm just keen to understand what stops you letting her go and finding someone new? X much love
I don't know what to say since I'm torn about whether to CTB before Christmas myself. I'm ready to go any day now, but it feels wrong and selfish to spoil the holidays for others. I also fear what people would think of me after that. But I'm suffering constantly and it's only getting worse as the holidays approach, so desperaton may outweigh those concerns.


My wife has deeply, deeply betrayed me, but I could not bear the thought of dying without at least some degree of reconciliation with her, even if it was false. It's been hard, and I could only suppress so much of my true thoughts and feelings, but we reconciled enough to make a positive impact. I think it's worthwhile if you have the ability.
Your words rang so true….i can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing you are out there having the same thoughts as me. Xo
Hi I will make a note here so I can remember to edit or make a new comment to write later I need to go work
I would love to hear from you after work!
 
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