easypeasy
Member
- Jul 1, 2024
- 58
Today I finally have what I need to exit. It's taken a few years to get it all together and research things. The only thing stopping me is the proximity to Christmas. (I will likely make it a very sad Christmas for others).
I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?
This does mean enduring almost a month more of worsening painful symptoms and isolation. The isolation is a choice, as those close to me often say the wrong thing. For example…they comment "I know what you're feeling". Which is absurd and one or two people acknowledge this is insane. I have no issue being alone…but I know people will want to visit close to Christmas Day as it makes them feel like hey are being helpful. Unfortunately I don't want them to visit as they make things worse. Most have the wrong impression that I'm alone and may be sad…but I actually feel happier if they don't visit. I have a couple of friends who I love to see, so I'm definitely not lonely…it's a choice.
if I Ctb close to Xmas, my best friend has young kids and I don't want to affect their Christmas now and years to come. I have left them some money in my will but I know it's irrelevant if people are making funeral plans at Xmas. I've mostly made peace with leaving in general because I have fought hard and let people help if they want to. They just can't or don't have it in them.
I really want to ctb before Xmas but I wonder if I should hang on until January. Sadly, I risk using all my Diazepam up between now and then, as it helps a lot with the physical pain. I've made sure not to ctb close to people's birthdays that I love……so at the moment, I have a window between now and Xmas. I feel considerably worse by the day and I have been on a rapid decline for 7 - 8 yrs but specifically in the last few years when a surgical attempt to help left me in a torturous state of being.
Any wise words you have to offer …. I would appreciate. Xoxo
I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?
This does mean enduring almost a month more of worsening painful symptoms and isolation. The isolation is a choice, as those close to me often say the wrong thing. For example…they comment "I know what you're feeling". Which is absurd and one or two people acknowledge this is insane. I have no issue being alone…but I know people will want to visit close to Christmas Day as it makes them feel like hey are being helpful. Unfortunately I don't want them to visit as they make things worse. Most have the wrong impression that I'm alone and may be sad…but I actually feel happier if they don't visit. I have a couple of friends who I love to see, so I'm definitely not lonely…it's a choice.
if I Ctb close to Xmas, my best friend has young kids and I don't want to affect their Christmas now and years to come. I have left them some money in my will but I know it's irrelevant if people are making funeral plans at Xmas. I've mostly made peace with leaving in general because I have fought hard and let people help if they want to. They just can't or don't have it in them.
I really want to ctb before Xmas but I wonder if I should hang on until January. Sadly, I risk using all my Diazepam up between now and then, as it helps a lot with the physical pain. I've made sure not to ctb close to people's birthdays that I love……so at the moment, I have a window between now and Xmas. I feel considerably worse by the day and I have been on a rapid decline for 7 - 8 yrs but specifically in the last few years when a surgical attempt to help left me in a torturous state of being.
Any wise words you have to offer …. I would appreciate. Xoxo
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