I feel somewhat the same. I can't enjoy shit. I feel a deep sense of depersonalization. I don't feel like anyone is genuinely
Enjoying anything is a struggle when you're depressed. You know you used to be able to derive pleasure from your interests but now they can't even allay the thoughts of despair, if they do anything at all. Maybe it's just burnout and your mind is preparing itself, but in the meantime you're just left dealing with it.
I relate with this post so much that it almost made me feel uneasy reading it. I blame my poor childhood on my parents, its not like it was their first time raising a child, I truly believe I wouldn't have turned out this way if I was raised differently.
Can't say I can relate to your childhood. I can only imagine how difficult it must've been. I'm glad you could find some sense of relation to this post though. The mind casting an bias over the past based on your mood makes determining how you actually felt a heavy endeavor. It also makes it hard to know if you'll ever feel that sensation again.
I know for sure that age 20-24 was the peak of my life. I am 30 and falling apart physically and have been fubar mentally for 4.5 years.
I think those times were better. Having a fresher mind and physically younger body meant the lows weren't as crippling.
Watching your mental abilities get torn down is tough. You remember being capable of doing so much more, of enjoying life much more, and finding yourself unable to do anything in the present moment. I'm often left wondering myself if I'll ever be able to reach the heights that I used to be able to achieve or if my mind has simply become too degraded. Wondering if my mind was ever capable of those things in the first place or if it's just a comforting falsehood.
I know for a fact that depression does degrade ones' mental abilities and their ability to enjoy things, and that people can recover from it. That it can influence our perception of the past. It's just a question of how long it'll take, if we'll ever fully recover, or if we'll be left dealing with these feelings for the rest of our lives.