Venting Please talk me out of this.

[Othermind]

It's like my edgy 17 year old self has taken over my brain.
I think I've mentioned it before but here goes. I had a close friend some 3 years ago that I was unhealthily attached to, she was like a friend, a sister, a mother and a possible lover rolled into one. We had a bad falling out for obvious reasons and haven't talked to each other for more than 2 years, she's even moved abroad and likely forgotten about me altogether.
As some of you may know, I'm obsessed with Converge's Jane Doe album so I refer to her as Jane 'cause even mentioning her real name has become somewhat taboo for me.
Here's where the crazy part comes in.
When I ctb, my deranged alcoholic brain wants me to leave a note written in blood that says "Go to hell, Jane". Obviously the cops are going to seize that and wonder who the fuck this Jane is. It won't take long for them to find out as most of my close friends and my former therapist know the story and will be able to correctly identify her. My hope is that she'll be informed of this somehow, either by the police or our common friends and be somewhat shaken, or maybe just remember me, either way is fine. Basically I want to haunt her the same way she haunted me during the last years of my life.
I can't put it into words how ashamed of myself I am for even thinking something like this. Seriously, I'm baffled by my own pettiness but I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. I know I'd be putting my friends, who will already be upset by my death, through the extra stress of talking to the police just to enact some frivolous revenge on someone whose only fault was not going along with my insanity (ok, to be entirely fair, she did kind of nudge me towards making some of the mistakes that now eat me alive, but it's not like she put a gun to my had and forced me to do anything), yet I want to do it so bad.
Man, I really needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for taking the time of reading through this ramble and I'd appreciate it if you tried to beat some sense into me.

 

[Redt2go]

Don't do it

 

[Othermind]

Don't do it

Yeah, I'm hoping when the time comes I'll be able to think straight.
'Cause that would well and truly be the cherry on top of a stupidly led life.

 

[Chlo]

I get the feeling the power this girl has over you will eventually diminish, even if you never 100% get over her. You may still feel suicidal in a year, five years, ten years, etc., and you might not, but you'll probably be really glad you didn't write that letter.

 

[itsallover]

I wouldn't kill myself over another person unless it was a spouse who left and we had kids. You would probably forget about her really quick if you got involved with someone else. That's just human nature.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

What did she do to you? If anything it's just going to make her remember you as a crazy person. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's so hard to get these sorts of things out of your head and they go round and round and start to take over.

I know it's twee advice so feel free to vent at me, I don't mind: Have you done the whole writing a letter - as if it was to her, all the things you want to say, every expletive, everything, then just putting it in a drawer and adding to it every few days and re reading to it until you've got it all down then burning the whole thing.

Another thing I do, again shout at me if I'm annoying, is allocate a set time where I can have an out loud 15 minute rant as if the person is in the room. Then I won't let myself think about them the rest of the day. I find they then lose their power over having all my thought time.

 

[brighter]

It's so hard to get these sorts of things out of your head and they go round and round and start to take over.

I know it's twee advice so feel free to vent at me, I don't mind: Have you done the whole writing a letter - as if it was to her, all the things you want to say, every expletive, everything, then just putting it in a drawer and adding to it every few days and re reading to it until you've got it all down then burning the whole thing.

Another thing I do, again shout at me if I'm annoying, is allocate a set time where I can have an out loud 15 minute rant as if the person is in the room. Then I won't let myself think about them the rest of the day. I find they then lose their power over having all my thought time.

I always knew you had a few screws loose @JustAboutDone LMAO
joking I've been called insane by my siblings for calling my bedroom wall a c*** with his head stuck up his hairy a** :D:D
i think you should try it

 

[dmoroden]

-Once youre gone, all this ends. You wont be here to see her suffering about that (i think thats what you think you want)
-She is obvious going to know about your ctb eventually and of course she will remember all the good times and suffer about youre gone.
-Knowing that youre gone is enough pain... dont give her an extra evil wound. As i said... you wont be here to see her suffering.

I think that if you want to ctb because you are suffering, its ok, but its already going to be really hard for the others to stay here and go through that. You wont have to feel anything else anymore, ever. So, if its possible, make it the most easy way for the others to stand here.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I would say try to own up to your part in why it didn't work out. You weren't right for her. That's not even necessarily your fault of course, it could have just been the universe. Or else you did indeed put her off/creep her out. Either way, it's difficult to see how she is to blame.

I hope this feeling subsides and you are able to refrain from doing what you posted. It's also a symptom of not having been with enough girls imo. I mean, as much as I love them, there comes a time where they do kind of blend together a bit and become less special. Experience, relationships and world weariness will ultimately de-sensitize you to such all-consuming love-based feelings if you do choose to go on, with the caveat that you make an effort to forget her and move forward.

 

[Othermind]

I get the feeling the power this girl has over you will eventually diminish, even if you never 100% get over her. You may still feel suicidal in a year, five years, ten years, etc., and you might not, but you'll probably be really glad you didn't write that letter.

I wouldn't kill myself over another person unless it was a spouse who left and we had kids. You would probably forget about her really quick if you got involved with someone else. That's just human nature.

I'm not killing myself over her, it's totally a different thing.

What did she do to you? If anything it's just going to make her remember you as a crazy person. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

No you're right. This is exactly the kind of talk I need.

I know it's twee advice so feel free to vent at me, I don't mind: Have you done the whole writing a letter - as if it was to her, all the things you want to say, every expletive, everything, then just putting it in a drawer and adding to it every few days and re reading to it until you've got it all down then burning the whole thing.

I've been writing a short story loosely based on my experience with all this.

-Once youre gone, all this ends. You wont be here to see her suffering about that (i think thats what you think you want)
-She is obvious going to know about your ctb eventually and of course she will remember all the good times and suffer about youre gone.
-Knowing that youre gone is enough pain... dont give her an extra evil wound. As i said... you wont be here to see her suffering.

I think that if you want to ctb because you are suffering, its ok, but its already going to be really hard for the others to stay here and go through that. You wont have to feel anything else anymore, ever. So, if its possible, make it the most easy way for the others to stand here.

I mean I don't know, she'll probably be over it in a week. But still, you're completely right.

 

[Chlo]

I'm not killing myself over here, it's totally a different thing.

So I'm assuming you want to be talked out of the letter writing thing prior to killing yourself? That's what I was referring to.

 

[Othermind]

I would say try to own up to your part in why it didn't work out. You weren't right for her. That's not even necessarily your fault of course, it could have just been the universe. Or else you did indeed put her off/creep her out. Either way, it's difficult to see how she is to blame.

I hope this feeling subsides and you are able to refrain from doing what you posted. It's also a symptom of not having been with enough girls imo. I mean, as much as I love them, there comes a time where they do kind of blend together a bit and become less special. Experience, relationships and world weariness will ultimately de-sensitize you to such all-consuming love-based feelings if you do choose to go on, with the caveat that you make an effort to forget her and move forward.

It's way more complicated than that, and my mind is already set on ctb, but thanks for the imput.
Also, I suspect every man has his Jane Doe no matter who they settle for, so there's that.

So I'm assuming you want to be talked out of the letter writing thing prior to killing yourself? That's what I was referring to.

Yeah, exactly.
And so far I have to say this thread has been really helpful. Thanks to all who contributed, I'll look back on it whenever these thoughts come creeping back.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

You're certainly not the first person to have impulsive "i'm going to show you how much you hurt me" thoughts over a lost love. It's never a good look though. I hope you can find peace over this whole thing.

 

[Othermind]

You're certainly not the first person to have impulsive "i'm going to show you how much you hurt me" thoughts over a lost love. It's never a good look though. I hope you can find peace over this whole thing.

Hopefully this will pass and when I'm truly ready to end my life I will be peaceful enough not to care about her and everything that's happened.

 

[leaps]

Let it go