Please let me die

[Idontmatter]

That's all I keep saying to myself everyday of the week. I'm no longer excited about anything in life. I remember when I was younger I'd get excited about things like vacations. Now I'm almost dreading them. I avoid people as much as possible. All I want to do is lay in bed, go to sleep and die. I'm so pissed off at myself for not drinking the sn during my last ctb attempt. My husband has a couple of trips planned and I'm waiting to ctb until after so I don't screw up his plans. Honestly I would rather ctb but I feel guilty. I'm trying to decide if I should just be selfish and say fuck it, get another hotel room and start the ctb process. My birthday is next week and I didn't want to see 46 but sadly here I am. I feel worthless. Trying to hold till January seems impossible. I might have to ruin Christmas and go sooner. The amount of self hatred I have is ridiculous. CTB is my only solution left to get rid of these feelings. Sorry for the long rambling post. It's been a bad week.

 

[farakini]

I feel you strongly. What's worse, is having to go through it alone and suffer in silence.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me being free from this existence really is ideal. Your feelings of wanting to be gone are understandable, I know that it's so awful having to endure an existence which is just constant suffering.
I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[wanttodie]

i fell the same please let me die

 

[Sad_Sack]

I am the same way. From the moment I wake up until I fall asleep I'm begging for death. I feel like I'm in my death throws but I just keep living.

 

[flightless bird]

Same here. Can't stand existing, feels like I don't even have a SI. Just can't find the energy to ctb. Totally trapped.

 

[Idontmatter]

Now I'm starting to make stupid mistakes at work. I don't know what my problem is.

 

[farakini]

Now I'm starting to make stupid mistakes at work. I don't know what my problem is.

It's probably because you're trying to hide your sadness, so you're losing focus. Just allow yourself to feel it and take your time. You're more important than the job.

 

[meganblask22]

I am here 10000%. I left work today because I couldn't tolerate being around other people when all I wanted to do was bust out in tears. If I keep going the way I am I will absolutely be at risk of losing my job. BUT why the f%^ do I care if all I want to do is dye? I am so stuck. I have pushed away everyone I possibly can that would ever support me. I just can't figure out how to do it. I had an attempt in 2018 and if I hadn't told the doctors what I had taken they would not have been able to save me - I regret me saying anything every single day. That could have been it and this would have all been over years ago. What kind of existence is wishing death upon yourself every hour of every day?

i fell the same please let me die

I pray for it constantly

That's all I keep saying to myself everyday of the week. I'm no longer excited about anything in life. I remember when I was younger I'd get excited about things like vacations. Now I'm almost dreading them. I avoid people as much as possible. All I want to do is lay in bed, go to sleep and die. I'm so pissed off at myself for not drinking the sn during my last ctb attempt. My husband has a couple of trips planned and I'm waiting to ctb until after so I don't screw up his plans. Honestly I would rather ctb but I feel guilty. I'm trying to decide if I should just be selfish and say fuck it, get another hotel room and start the ctb process. My birthday is next week and I didn't want to see 46 but sadly here I am. I feel worthless. Trying to hold till January seems impossible. I might have to ruin Christmas and go sooner. The amount of self hatred I have is ridiculous. CTB is my only solution left to get rid of these feelings. Sorry for the long rambling post. It's been a bad week.

I feel exactly the same

 

[Idontmatter]

It's probably because you're trying to hide your sadness, so you're losing focus. Just allow yourself to feel it and take your time. You're more important than the job.

I think I'm just tired too. Trying to wait till January but still not sure if I can

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

It's probably because you're trying to hide your sadness, so you're losing focus. Just allow yourself to feel it and take your time. You're more important than the job.

Depression does that

 

[SamTam33]

Some days it's so bad that I start crying before I open my eyes. It's like I can't believe I'm still here. Breathing. Heart pumping. Still here.

Every time I get any kind of pain, I pray like hell it's the beginning stages of cancer.

I wish there was a way to induce a chronic illness.

I daydream about going to the doctor and them telling me I'm gravely ill. I practice my shocked face and try to keep from grinning lol. I swear I do.

I also imagine myself being near death due to a car accident or fire and trying to get the words out to the EMT, "Please let me die."

I already know they'll misinterpret my plea as "Please DON'T let me die." SMH. The things we have to endure all in the name of dying.

It shouldn't be this difficult. Especially when you consider how easy it is for someone to be born. That shit doesn't seem fair.

 

[StolenLife]

Same. Everything is just droning and gray and boring. I've seen and experienced enough. It's that feeling of being the last week of school before summer holidays when you already passed all the tests and are only coming in for attendance but deep down inside you know that you're done.

 

[sundown12]

same here, and I can't figure out how to proceed with my preferred method asap. sometimes I have paranoid thoughts that I will go to hell after I die, but like...can it REALLY get any worse than what I'm going through rn?

 

[Idontmatter]

same here, and I can't figure out how to proceed with my preferred method asap. sometimes I have paranoid thoughts that I will go to hell after I die, but like...can it REALLY get any worse than what I'm going through rn?

I have everything to do my ctb.. I'm trying to hang on till January so i can spend the holidays with my husband one last time but it's getting harder and harder each day to not just say fuck it and drink sn. This evening I'm in the bedroom trying not to have a crying spell

 

[makethepainstop]

i fell the same please let me die

Me too!