DrownedOctopus
Experienced
- Mar 2, 2019
- 246
I've started planning, but I haven't had much in the way of a conversation with my husband about anything for a long while now.
Normally he'd be the first to know, but talking to him right now is one sided. I haven't gotten more than 2 words out of him in over a week. That's if we talk.
It feels to me like he's battling his thoughts again, but he keeps telling me he is fine.
I haven't brought up my own plans and thoughts because I feel guilty if that's the only reason we are talking. Also I hate bringing up my thoughts when he's in a bad mental state too. (I should emphasize it isn't abnormal for us to not talk much if we both have bad days.)
I don't want to force a conversation on my behalf, and I really don't want it to be because of this.
I told him I needed to talk to him a couple times on days my anxiety wasn't as hard to deal with, but instead he's "let me sleep". (Which makes me think he's avoiding talking to me altogether.)
When I brought that to his attention, he said he felt if it was pressing I'd call him or just bring it up.
He's never understood that my anxiety prevents me from doing that, I have to ask him. I have to make it convenient for him otherwise I feel like it's a burden and annoying. Especially because the few times I tried calling him or just bringing it up, he either didn't answer or didn't understand how desperately I needed his help..though that's mostly my own fault as I have a tendency to under-exaggerate how bad it really is.
The fact that he's avoiding conversation makes me think he's planning too and just keeping it from me.
Basically..I don't know how to tell him I want to die more than ever and I am planning my escape. Just because we openly discuss these things doesn't make having conversations such as this one any easier.
I don't want to ctb without letting him know, though, because he deserves that much.
Normally he'd be the first to know, but talking to him right now is one sided. I haven't gotten more than 2 words out of him in over a week. That's if we talk.
It feels to me like he's battling his thoughts again, but he keeps telling me he is fine.
I haven't brought up my own plans and thoughts because I feel guilty if that's the only reason we are talking. Also I hate bringing up my thoughts when he's in a bad mental state too. (I should emphasize it isn't abnormal for us to not talk much if we both have bad days.)
I don't want to force a conversation on my behalf, and I really don't want it to be because of this.
I told him I needed to talk to him a couple times on days my anxiety wasn't as hard to deal with, but instead he's "let me sleep". (Which makes me think he's avoiding talking to me altogether.)
When I brought that to his attention, he said he felt if it was pressing I'd call him or just bring it up.
He's never understood that my anxiety prevents me from doing that, I have to ask him. I have to make it convenient for him otherwise I feel like it's a burden and annoying. Especially because the few times I tried calling him or just bringing it up, he either didn't answer or didn't understand how desperately I needed his help..though that's mostly my own fault as I have a tendency to under-exaggerate how bad it really is.
The fact that he's avoiding conversation makes me think he's planning too and just keeping it from me.
Basically..I don't know how to tell him I want to die more than ever and I am planning my escape. Just because we openly discuss these things doesn't make having conversations such as this one any easier.
I don't want to ctb without letting him know, though, because he deserves that much.
