I have been suicidal for almost 15 yrs and my constant depression has taken a great toll on my health. Nothing motivates me to live. The first and last thought of my day is death. I don't understand why people try hard to live. I find everything pointless especially living for the sake of family or to meet the society's expectations.
Since I'm from rural India, there is a strong parental and societal pressure on my marriage. My parents are obsessed with finding some guy since only arranged marriages are the norm here. Staying unmarried or putting off marriage is not a feasible option, love is still a taboo topic.
So I'm left with only two options - get married to a stranger and live against my will, or die. I do not have the mental or physical strength nor the will to sacrifice myself for societal expectations.
I have thought about it over and over again, even after receiving N. I'm 100% certain that I want to ctb.
I have got a very loving, sentimental and sensitive joint family. I only see it as a curse. Ever since I have been actively suicidal, I've been living with guilt about wanting to betray their trust and love. I love them so much but I cannot live for their sake. I must leave a note so that it will help them legally and morally. Moreover, in case I die, villagers and relatives will bombard my family with questions and assume different things, build up stories that will shame my upbringing and values - reason being I'm unmarried and past the right age. My loss will only put my parents in a tough position beyond the grief. They are already being criticized very much for not marrying me off early instead of educating and allowing me to work.
I really have to ctb asap before my parents fix my marriage. I'm in a lot of physical and mental pain that I cannot afford to live another day, living with family during this wfh and pretending to be okay is very suffocating and torturous.
I have got N ready with meto, sorted out my responsibilities and finances, wrote down bank details and other important details in a paper that will be kept in the locker which can be accessed only by family, deleted data from laptop/mobile/email accounts, created a dummy account and stored important backup from phone just in case I fail my attempt, created another dummy email (one that my ex can recognize since he had blocked my usual account) and drafted a scheduled email with an encrypted word document attachment (basically to tell him to fuck off for cheating on me and also for shaming my suicidal feelings stating that depression is a choice, and for having been concerned about getting into legal issues because of my cowardly decision more than my possible death), gave away most of my clothes and stuff, burnt my personal diaries and other materials - so everything looks okay except one thing - Final Note to family.
I have almost completed my goodbye note except the reason why I'm doing this. Depression isn't a topic my family and neighbors can understand nor are familiar with. So I need your inputs for writing about my depression and mindset in my note that will help them understand my decision at least a bit. Please help.
Since I'm from rural India, there is a strong parental and societal pressure on my marriage. My parents are obsessed with finding some guy since only arranged marriages are the norm here. Staying unmarried or putting off marriage is not a feasible option, love is still a taboo topic.
So I'm left with only two options - get married to a stranger and live against my will, or die. I do not have the mental or physical strength nor the will to sacrifice myself for societal expectations.
I have thought about it over and over again, even after receiving N. I'm 100% certain that I want to ctb.
I have got a very loving, sentimental and sensitive joint family. I only see it as a curse. Ever since I have been actively suicidal, I've been living with guilt about wanting to betray their trust and love. I love them so much but I cannot live for their sake. I must leave a note so that it will help them legally and morally. Moreover, in case I die, villagers and relatives will bombard my family with questions and assume different things, build up stories that will shame my upbringing and values - reason being I'm unmarried and past the right age. My loss will only put my parents in a tough position beyond the grief. They are already being criticized very much for not marrying me off early instead of educating and allowing me to work.
I really have to ctb asap before my parents fix my marriage. I'm in a lot of physical and mental pain that I cannot afford to live another day, living with family during this wfh and pretending to be okay is very suffocating and torturous.
I have got N ready with meto, sorted out my responsibilities and finances, wrote down bank details and other important details in a paper that will be kept in the locker which can be accessed only by family, deleted data from laptop/mobile/email accounts, created a dummy account and stored important backup from phone just in case I fail my attempt, created another dummy email (one that my ex can recognize since he had blocked my usual account) and drafted a scheduled email with an encrypted word document attachment (basically to tell him to fuck off for cheating on me and also for shaming my suicidal feelings stating that depression is a choice, and for having been concerned about getting into legal issues because of my cowardly decision more than my possible death), gave away most of my clothes and stuff, burnt my personal diaries and other materials - so everything looks okay except one thing - Final Note to family.
I have almost completed my goodbye note except the reason why I'm doing this. Depression isn't a topic my family and neighbors can understand nor are familiar with. So I need your inputs for writing about my depression and mindset in my note that will help them understand my decision at least a bit. Please help.
