Venting On the edge

[meaningisgone]

If I had a way to end myself tonight, a way that didn't seem utterly agonizing, and/or if I had a suicide partner, then this would be the night.

My options are basically descending the icy waters in a nearby pond, or throwing myself under a train, neither of which I'm feeling anywhere nearly gutsy enough to undertake.

But my life. My life is just not OK. It hasn't been for a long time. Maybe ever, if I really think about it, but now it's to the point where I suffer no illusions to the contrary.

And there are just no options. All I can do is stay stuck, in a life of meaninglesness, conflict, and increasingly aggressive/desperate emotions. I hurt deeply and I am so angry.

I just want this to be over.

 

[dysfunctional]

If I had a way to end myself tonight, a way that didn't seem utterly agonizing, and/or if I had a suicide partner, then this would be the night.

My options are basically descending the icy waters in a nearby pond, or throwing myself under a train, neither of which I'm feeling anywhere nearly gutsy enough to undertake.

But my life. My life is just not OK. It hasn't been for a long time. Maybe ever, if I really think about it, but now it's to the point where I suffer no illusions to the contrary.

And there are just no options. All I can do is stay stuck, in a life of meaninglesness, conflict, and increasingly aggressive/desperate emotions. I hurt deeply and I am so angry.

I just want this to be over.

That sucks. I like your username though.

 

[Boochky]

If I had a way to end myself tonight, a way that didn't seem utterly agonizing, and/or if I had a suicide partner, then this would be the night.

My options are basically descending the icy waters in a nearby pond, or throwing myself under a train, neither of which I'm feeling anywhere nearly gutsy enough to undertake.

But my life. My life is just not OK. It hasn't been for a long time. Maybe ever, if I really think about it, but now it's to the point where I suffer no illusions to the contrary.

And there are just no options. All I can do is stay stuck, in a life of meaninglesness, conflict, and increasingly aggressive/desperate emotions. I hurt deeply and I am so angry.

I just want this to be over.

I'm sorry you're suffering! Sending love and healing.

 

[meaningisgone]

The emotional pain won't stop erupting from within me, I just want to go to sleep but I can't. I hate myself and my life.

Thanks for the kind words though.

 

[fastFWD]

sorry you are feeling so down man. is there really nothing that can be done? I'm not sure what is going on but the way I see it is before you go make sure you try everything you can to turn things around; I mean if you have nothing to lose you can only go up if something works; then at least you know you tried EVERYTHING.

 

[Xaphous]

Have you tried dropping the mind and all thoughts for some time, I don't want to sound like any guru because I consistently hate life but I feel better when I stop thinking, just don't engage with any thought.

 

[reveriewong]

What is bringing you so much pain and anger? What would give you the will to keep going?

 

[throwaway123]

If I had a way to end myself tonight, a way that didn't seem utterly agonizing, and/or if I had a suicide partner, then this would be the night.

My options are basically descending the icy waters in a nearby pond, or throwing myself under a train, neither of which I'm feeling anywhere nearly gutsy enough to undertake.

But my life. My life is just not OK. It hasn't been for a long time. Maybe ever, if I really think about it, but now it's to the point where I suffer no illusions to the contrary.

And there are just no options. All I can do is stay stuck, in a life of meaninglesness, conflict, and increasingly aggressive/desperate emotions. I hurt deeply and I am so angry.

I just want this to be over.

I agree 100%

All of this could've been just as easily written by me. You put it into very good words.

 

[meaningisgone]

sorry you are feeling so down man. is there really nothing that can be done? I'm not sure what is going on but the way I see it is before you go make sure you try everything you can to turn things around; I mean if you have nothing to lose you can only go up if something works; then at least you know you tried EVERYTHING.

I am honestly at a total loss as to anything I am capable, stable, and strong enough to do to improve anything. I just keep becoming more and more helpless as time goes on, and it really messes me up inside. Of course, I am do not feel the pressure and misery of my situation as urgently as I was when I wrote that post 24/7, but my l do almost always feel empty and meaningless. Sometimes the frustration builds up to that point wherein I just can't stand it.

 

[meaningisgone]

Have you tried dropping the mind and all thoughts for some time, I don't want to sound like any guru because I consistently hate life but I feel better when I stop thinking, just don't engage with any thought.

I haven't consciously tried anything like that in a long time. I will give it a shot, thanks.

 

[meaningisgone]

What is bringing you so much pain and anger? What would give you the will to keep going?

I've been stuck at a dead end in life for years, too unstable and depressed to work but turned down for disability anyway, relying on my mother and stepdad for support but our relationships are extremely dysfunctional/toxic, they are tired of supporting me, and I am tired of them holding it over my head that they support me. The stress and pressure is escalating, pressure to magically just be able to function. I am beyond jaded with professional help and resources, I am tired of ineffective therapists and prescription meds and the system altogether, so I am not eager to look for help anymore at this juncture. My entire life, I haven't fit into this world; there were a few times when I almost made it, but that's long gone now and I just don't have it in me anymore. I hurt because I feel like I'm defective, inferior, incapable, and unworthy, and those feelings have been following me around in some capacity for nearly 38 years. I am angry because there's nothing I can do about it, and tired of being expected by society/my family/etc. and demanded to be someone I am clearly not.

 

[meaningisgone]

I agree 100%

All of this could've been just as easily written by me. You put it into very good words.

Thank you. And I am sorry that you relate. Hopefully we can find some peace, one way or the other.

 

[mpti]

Thank you. And I am sorry that you relate. Hopefully we can find some peace, one way or the other.

I'm so sorry man. I've been there and I know how hard it can be to just feel trapped, hopeless, and with no feasible methods in mind. And I know how it feels to be alone.

Sending love and hugs, I hope you feel better soon <33

 

[meaningisgone]

Thank you. <3