Thank you for sharing! I do hope that it makes other people feel better or less alone, if they are going through this. I think I went through something similar. I would say that obsession is a lot more than this but I am also not a qualified professional. What you have sounds like a standard crush; like you really like this person and your brain is trying to rationalize any attention as him returning your affections. I think that is kind of normal, and it is also normal to try to fill in the gaps of reasoning in the face of rejection when the object of our affection gives us a vague but valid excuse, like not being ready for a committed relationship (the "with you" is almost always silent).
I can't avoid thinking that he doesn't liked me as a girlfriend for being hypersex*al and "easy", or for being "used" or "broken" or "dirty"... and I know those are just my thoughts but I can't avoid thinking that... it hurts so much.
First of all, I want to say that you are not used, broken or dirty. Perhaps you may be hypersexual in the aftermath of sexual abuse, and that is normal too. It's a trauma response. There is no shame in that, as you didn't deserve to be abused in that way, and it is possible to come back from this. With that being said, if the person you like is decent, he probably doesn't think of you this way. At least not in a derogatory way.
But if you are hypersexual, then that is a valid reason for someone to have some doubts about entering a relationship with you imo. In general, it is wise to handle our traumas and the ways that we deal with them before dumping them on other people, if we can. Hypersexuality means that there is a higher chance for someone to cheat, and maybe you two will just be sexually incompatible by default right now. It's not wrong for people to not want to have to deal with these sorts of things so intimately, even though this fact hurts us. Everyone has to look out for themselves before everybody else.
As a victim myself, there was also another hard pill I had to swallow when it came to this. When I was being abused, the details of my abuse were spread among others so I had a similar reputation to the one you think your crush has of you. I really was "easy" and was kind of being passed around because I was trying to find ways to deal with the trauma. Sexual attention felt like a necessity at that time. The bitter truth is that some men will really inevitably avoid us for being "used" and "broken." They have a certain kind of psychology that I personally have found comfort in not having to understand, all we have to know is that there is a methodology behind those thoughts when they have them. Their negative views on you do not have to matter, men are not a monolith just like women aren't and they make exceptions all the time. If they refuse to date you because of this, then really, that rejection is your protection as well as it could be their own. But it is something that we will have to deal with, as we will always have our pasts in tow with us, and not everyone will be so understanding. It has to come to a point where these things do not bother you too much, if you ever want to have a chance with living with it and healing from it. The only thing that really matters is how we feel and what we know about ourselves, and how we heal these wounds by our own hands. When it comes to other people, not everyone will be so judgmental to call us "used" for being abused, and those are the people we should also care about and focus on.
But I really don't think that this person thinks that negatively of you, since they are a friend of yours. I think that may be your trauma trying to fill in the blanks to make his rejection make sense. But the truth is that it doesn't matter
why. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship
with you, that is the bottom line. Sometimes we are just not compatible with people and that does not have to be a negative thing.
(Offtopic: I've noticed how no one comments in the "Recovery" section posts... but "Suicide discussion" has a lot of attention. However, I get it, it's a pro-suicide website lol).
Today I learned that this is actually the depressing side of the forum, haha. But I do get it, most people here reject recovery and don't like positivity, so it's natural that this will be the slower side. Regardless, I hope you can find some insight for this specific issue. I don't think you're obsessed, maybe just lovesick and bleeding from an open wound. Cut off this friendship if it hurts you. But it is a good thing that this has made you realize some things.
It's like I don't love myself anymore after what happened to me, so I craved his love and attention so bad... I feel like he is a "good guy" and if he falls for me that means that I'm a "good girl" too and not a "sl*t".
First of all, now you know that you don't love yourself. Maybe it's not an "obsession," but the love here is still misguided. You developed feelings for someone because their acceptance would have communicated something about you. But why do you believe these things?
Why does it take a "good guy" to validate you? Why can't you just be whole and "good" as you are? What is it that makes you feel like a slut? What do you think will make you be "good" and what steps can you take towards that? You're attracted to men, so their opinion has to be a bit important to you, but do you really want to center your sense of self-worth around their collective acceptance and desire of you?
I feel for you, because sexual abuse is hard to heal from and so difficult to deal with. It makes us internalize the most horrible and untruthful things ever. But I think from this experience, you have a lot of things to ask yourself, and you really should evaluate some things going forward— if there is a future for you, that is. I wish you luck and I'm sending you hugs.
