Venting Nothing is getting better

[justabouttobedone]

Everything I look at now only hurts me. As I see that other people that accomplished something and contributing to humanity, I look at myself in the mirror and say, "Why I have to be so useless and stupid?". When I look at a building, I say "Someone who works better than me designs the structures I don't even know how to do it as if it was just an easy thing.", while watching a comedy show, I say "Why it so hard to make a simple joke for me?", and even when I write these lines in SS, I say "Setting up and running a site? You can't even understand how the site works, you stupid bastard!" to myself. I can't help myself being crushed under such thoughts. Even when I'm studying, I look at my pen and find something to ruin my mood. I know it doesn't make sense to compare myself with other people, but I can't just stop it. I spent my years doing nothing, not developing myself, not producing anything. In SS, I always say something like "I am opening a new chapter in my life, I am trying to recover, I am doing well for now etc", but I am just trying to convince myself. I'm sick of waking up in pain every morning and my unstable personality, and my hope of a better life is fading away day by day. I often wonder that would I fix everyting if I could go back to the past. But I know I couldn't fix anything because I can't change my genes and personality. I guess it's my destiny to be like this and it will never going to change... Sorry if I bothered you.

 

[Donewith_]

i used to beat myself up over many things.. i always wanted to make myself better. Initially,when i was depressed, i was not productive in any thing. i used to feel very bad about it.I can't help you i think..because i did not know how i got out of it.. It just happened eventually as the time passed .
i am unstable too.. i can understand . its not something i can control. All i can do is get away from there if i feel.. others are facing trouble because of me.

sorry you are here.. hope you may know how to cope with it

 

[justabouttobedone]

i used to beat myself up over many things.. i always wanted to make myself better. Initially,when i was depressed, i was not productive in any thing. i used to feel very bad about it.I can't help you i think..because i did not know how i got out of it.. It just happened eventually as the time passed .
i am unstable too.. i can understand . its not something i can control. All i can do is get away from there if i feel.. others are facing trouble because of me.

sorry you are here.. hope you may know how to cope with it

I want to get rid of this feelings, but at the same time I feel paralyzed in fear of failure and can't do anything to help myself. Sometimes I'm even afraid of being happy, just in case I lose happiness.

"The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness."
Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

This quote is well defining me.

 

[Donewith_]

Sorry I could not help in this.. because that quote defines me too...
It literally explains what I do.

Sometimes, I force myself out literally even though I get panic attacks.. because if I don't do.. I know how miserable I can get.

 

[justabouttobedone]

I understand. Actually, I am at gym now, working out. So, I'm forcing myself too. It seems we two are in the same boat.

 

[AndyCurious]

I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm in the saame boat it feels, so I know what you mean..

 

[dmoroden]

feels like written by me...

im so ashamed of myself... im 26yro now and i havent accomplished nothing in my life... i dont even know how to answer the simple question "who are you?" or maybe im too ashame to do it... i feel like im nobody...