Venting no text messages and crying

[monetpompo]

i want to cut everybody off. everybody. i hung out with my college friends on halloween but i want to cut them off, i want to cut off my friend who moved away, i want to cut off my whole family so that it doesn't matter whether i get 0 messages or not, everyone will be gone and i won't have to care about them anymore. i feel so pathetic for thinking like this. i alternate between committing suicide or living on the street because i can't stand living at home anymore and crying in my bed.

my period started yesterday so my suicidal urges spiked and i immediately think that no one cares about me and that they hate me at the same time. i looked at my face and body in the mirror and i thought that i looked stupid and that's why no one likes me. there's something inherently wrong with me for wanting people to talk to me so badly but also not wanting to say anything to anyone because i feel like such a burden. i think my feelings are disgusting and i have too many of them. i didn't leave my house at all today and laid in my bed because i had no energy and i just wanted to keep on crying and feeling bad about myself. it's not like i even talk to anybody when i leave my house. i can only bike around my neighborhood or go on walks since everything else is too far to get to. i don't have money or transportation to go to events in town.

i've been waiting for summer to be over for months because it lasts 6 months in texas but now i don't care that it's cold because i want to hang out with people and get the daily texts i used to when my best friend still lived in town. now i have nothing. i can't hang out with my school friends because i can't drive and i have to wait until i can drive to enroll back in school. i'm so tired of existing meaninglessly like this. i know no one can care about me this state. i can perform in front of people when i hang out with them in person, but at home i just turn into a non verbal husk that's incapable of believing anyone can care about me unless they're in front of me telling me they care about me. my expectations for my friends are too high. my lonely brain wants everyone to soothe me and call me beautiful and funny.

i don't want to have anymore feelings and i don't want to think anymore, but the only way i can do that is if i die. every day of october i felt extremely sad and talking about it didn't help because every time i woke up and every time i went to sleep i would still feel a horrific ache because i had absolutely nothing i looked forward to. i'm completely alone and i can't connect with anyone. i can't be a human being. i'm offputting and depressing. i feel like no one even wants to take me seriously anymore because i'm "always depressed" and i always make everything negative. but i just don't have anything that i care about. i don't care about anything and that makes me a bad person, because i should care about something in my life, but i just want to destroy the things i care about instead so that i don't have to be told to appreciate them. i just want to be abused and told that i'm a piece of garbage, because i don't believe that anyone is capable of thinking that i'm a good person.

i hate that everyone is so much happier than me while i'm completely miserable. i wish that i wasn't so alone. i become codependent on anyone i talk to now and it makes me sick. i'd rather isolate myself than try to latch onto people out of desperation. i feel like texting everyone i know that i'm a loser and that i should die. i'm so lonely every night that i think my heart will explode.

 

[wheelsonthebus]

Sent you a message!

 

[waqs]

i wish there was more i could help you with but im in almost the same situation. humans are naturally social creatures its natural for us to long to end loneliness. ive lost contact with everyone irl after i graduated high school and i only talk to family (barely tho) and some online friends, the world is so cruel it sucks people like us just have to exist as is. i wish i could say we will find happiness one day but i dont know that, i dont know anything..

if you wish to talk to people i think you should at least reach out once, but dont text too much though and overwhelm them ... sometimes all it could take is one message to have things potentially change. life is so unpredectable.. its both the beutie and cruelty of it imo, youll never know how things turn out until they do.

 

[monetpompo]

Sent you a message!

sorry, it didn't go through on my end. you can try sending it again if you want.

i don't really know if i actually want to talk to anyone tonight. i just feel really bummed out and sad that there's no one in my life that i can tell my problems to and know that they'll actually care. i don't want to talk about my problems anymore because i feel like saying them to people just makes them resent me for seeking comfort from them or never being in a good mood. i go on sasu when i'm lonely but lately it hasn't been helping because i feel like everyone thinks my problems aren't serious enough to be suicidal over them.

ive lost contact with everyone irl after i graduated high school and i only talk to family (barely tho) and some online friends, the world is so cruel it sucks people like us just have to exist as is.

i stare at my phone a lot hoping someone besides my sister will text me. i become too parasocial with online friends and end up relying on them for comfort, so i don't think i'm ready to make new ones. it ends up being a drain on my mental health. it's probably better if i make friends in groups instead of constantly in 1 on 1 situations. i'm really jealous of people that always seem to have people in their messages or people that still know them from years ago or after a move. it makes me feel like such a loser for not knowing anyone that i can reach out to and reliably get a text from when i feel so down on myself. i don't handle loss or anxiety well so i cut people off often to get rid of them. i always figured that no one would care if i left.

while there's still some people in my life, i just don't want to burden anyone with an extremely heavy day because it'll just force them to comfort me. i also want to cut people off because i think me being sad will ruin them having a good day. i feel like a burden to everybody. it seems impossible to make new friends in my state because i'm so afraid of everyone. it feels like i predicted how depressing my life would be when i was a junior in high school, because i would cry and not want to leave the school before the summer and winter breaks. i would always be all alone and would think about self harm.

 

[waqs]

while there's still some people in my life, i just don't want to burden anyone with an extremely heavy day because it'll just force them to comfort me. i also want to cut people off because i think me being sad will ruin them having a good day. i feel like a burden to everybody. it seems impossible to make new friends in my state because i'm so afraid of everyone.

it just depends on who your talking to.. i feel most people would be understanding if you told them about your situation, i dont have any advice for making friends in real life, but do you remember when we discussed the topic of creative hobbies? maybe you could join online communities for those if you ever discover any hobbies youd like to try out. i met my (old) friend group through game modding, groups, and one of the people ii met during that time is my best friend to this day. it would never hurt to expand your reach online for your interests ^^

 

[58Alice85]

I have no friends, unemployed, only social interaction during the day is the wild geese i feed and all the anonymous interactions on the internet.
I am too paranoid for large friend groups, i have this feeling i will end up humiliated, being the butt of jokes, and eventually backstabbed and abandoned.
I don't really feel lonely.