No reason to kill myself

[caterpilaa]

I want to kill myself despite knowing I have no real reason to other than the fact I'm fucking miserable and it makes me feel so utterly useless. I have some MH issues (who doesn't lol) - diagnosed BPD & Autism as well as expected ADHD (wait times for diagnosis in UK are currently well over two years because of covid :/ ) I have some friends but I don't even enjoy spending time with them, I never really feel like I have anything to say to anyone despite constantly craving connection I feel so separate and alone from everyone in my life and I've no clue why. Literally nothing makes me happy, I'm constantly so fucking tired and drained and I hate being alone and feeling lonely but being around people leaves me feeling utterly soulless and people can tell that I'm just not actually there, I just sit there either aggressively stimming or disassociating and it's fucking embarrassing to be honest. I don't enjoy drinking or drugs, I don't even enjoy going for food anymore because I've developed some stupid obsession about how I shouldn't eat. I literally cannot envision any kind of future where I will be happy given the fact there's no reason for me not to be happy now. I've tried multiple antidepressants and they all make things worse, I've tried therapy and similarly this did very little. I spend all my money as soon as I get it so once I stop being a student I'm genuinely fucked because I can't even drag myself out of bed so I'm not exactly going to be able to hold down a job. This post is achieving nothing I know but I just wanted to rant at my pathetic situation. I've made attempts but as it would turn out dying is almost as much of a chore as living. Sorry for such a pity party I promise I'm not usually quite this insufferable. Thanks to anyone who read, would love to chat with anyone who wants to :) xxxx

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

Welcome here, @caterpilaa !

Sorry you have to go through this sticky existentiality thing, but if there no reason to ctb it good sign.
Just take your student time on your own

For me once I assumed that I have nothing to say by words - i tried express myself different way and it works time to time

Hugs

 

[caterpilaa]

Welcome here, @caterpilaa !

Sorry you have to go through this sticky existentiality thing, but if there no reason to ctb it good sign.
Just take your student time on your own

For me once I assumed that I have nothing to say by words - i tried express myself different way and it works time to time

Hugs

Thank you this is very kind :) I guess I just feel kind of hopeless because I haven't been doing very well as a student so far in terms of getting work done and grades and every day is a struggle, and I don't think people really enjoy my company because I feel like a burden and make other people sad because I am always so down about everything. I guess I am just struggling to see why to go on, but this makes me feel like I am being very ungreatful for the fact that objectively speaking I have a "good" life. I will try and do what you say and find other ways of communicating with my friends, maybe I will cook them dinner. Thank you again :)

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

maybe I will cook them dinner.

Oh dear you just catch on the fly!

I just see from you posts that you kind person, have a good base and you on the right way of searching, i mean searching, your own.

 

[caterpilaa]

Oh dear you just catch on the fly!

I just see from you posts that you kind person, have a good base and you on the right way of searching, i mean searching, your own.

Thank you so much that is such a kind thing to say! :) I can tell you're a lovely person too and I hope that you can find happiness :)