NSFW Never told anyone about my COCSA

[EternallyCold]

First post here. Since I'm going to die soon I might as well let someone know. I don't even remember how old I was, maybe 8 or 9, but it happened while I was asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to my very own brother on top of me. I screamed, but I don't remember what happened after, maybe I just went back to sleep. After I screamed I think he got scared and stopped and got off of me. In the morning I tried to tell my mother about it, it took me so much courage and it was so embarrassing, and all she did was brush me off, and i never told anyone else again. After that I came across videos on this laptop i shared with my brothers, and those videos were definitely what my brother was watching, but i was curious and watched some too and well, i enjoyed them. But as a 8/9 year old i didn't understand anything about sex. I told my brother to do it again… It wasn't like I enjoyed it the first time but after seeing the videos I thought we just weren't doing it right or something… i didn't know it was wrong or what incest was at that time, and my brother was only 2 years older than me, maybe we both didn't know any better. Anyways for years I just pretended like this never happened but now I'm suddenly thinking about it and I'm just so ashamed and disgusted of myself

 

[madeincruddy]

I'm very sorry. What happened doesn't make you disgusting or shameful in any way. I'm glad you were at least able to get this off your chest, I can't imagine what it was like carrying it for so long. I wish you the best.

 

[Oreki]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You were a child, and you didn't understand what you were doing. I can imagine how heavy this must feel to think about, but you shouldn't carry shame for something you couldn't comprehend at that age. It's time to forgive the child you once were, she didn't know any better :)