She is an older woman. My situation is complex don't judge me too fast.
After my most recent rejections (due to my love paranoia/psychotic symptoms) I ruined something. It is sort of hopeless that any woman wants to be with me. I became severely depressed. And I cannot take depression much longer. Last month I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people because I almost took SN. I consider to buy it again and to go through with it. I got really depressed and I did not know what to do against it. I thought of my bucket list knowing I might kill myself soon. I want to finish Infinite Jest and experience a partnership/sex.
So getting a partner with this illness is extremely difficult and frustrating to a point where I am about to kill myself. I thought if I am going to kill myself I can also consider to go to an escort woman. This made me really hypomanic and my depression vanished from one day to the next. It just disappeared and my mood completely shifted. I was quite impressed and she was also really impressed. I did not expect that. I think I am extremely touch depraved and I crave for it. I live in a country where it is gladly legal. We came to the conclusion if this might prevent my suicide it is a good idea.
It is a little bit ridiculous that this makes my depression go away instantly. It was only a thought experiment. I also ask myself whether it gonna be a huge disappointment because it is so much better in my head than in reality. But it really is something that I want to do before I die. However, I have to be very strategic when I want to plan it. And I think this is not something she was aware about the possible negative effects The sole thought experiment made me hypomanic as fuck. I awake again since 3:30 a.m. today. Just because I considered it. I might use it as a tool to decrease my depressive symptoms. But I am not sure whether it will work like that. I think she wanted to imply that it should not remain a thought experiment if it helps my depression so much. I am uncertain about that. I think I should only use it in slow dosages and look how it affects my psyche. Hypomania is also dangerous. I think doing it could trigger a hypomanic episode. Which would delay my downfall for some months but the crash afterwards would only be worse. I am not sure how I will evaluate the experience after I did it. I think I am not the person who thinks about first times that they have to be amazing. My first kiss without a joke: I had a psychosis and was fixated in a psych ward on a bed. I could not move (I think when I slept they removed it). And while I was sleeping a psychotic maybe 11 years old comes in my room and tries to kiss me on the mouth. It was so fucking scary. I woke up walked to the staff and told them to remove her. I think in the same night I also pissed myself on the floor. I was really psychotic and puzzled. So well I think going to a hooker might be a better first experience than this. Maybe. Lmao. Not sure whether it is a smart choice still. It has to be safe.
After my most recent rejections (due to my love paranoia/psychotic symptoms) I ruined something. It is sort of hopeless that any woman wants to be with me. I became severely depressed. And I cannot take depression much longer. Last month I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people because I almost took SN. I consider to buy it again and to go through with it. I got really depressed and I did not know what to do against it. I thought of my bucket list knowing I might kill myself soon. I want to finish Infinite Jest and experience a partnership/sex.
So getting a partner with this illness is extremely difficult and frustrating to a point where I am about to kill myself. I thought if I am going to kill myself I can also consider to go to an escort woman. This made me really hypomanic and my depression vanished from one day to the next. It just disappeared and my mood completely shifted. I was quite impressed and she was also really impressed. I did not expect that. I think I am extremely touch depraved and I crave for it. I live in a country where it is gladly legal. We came to the conclusion if this might prevent my suicide it is a good idea.
It is a little bit ridiculous that this makes my depression go away instantly. It was only a thought experiment. I also ask myself whether it gonna be a huge disappointment because it is so much better in my head than in reality. But it really is something that I want to do before I die. However, I have to be very strategic when I want to plan it. And I think this is not something she was aware about the possible negative effects The sole thought experiment made me hypomanic as fuck. I awake again since 3:30 a.m. today. Just because I considered it. I might use it as a tool to decrease my depressive symptoms. But I am not sure whether it will work like that. I think she wanted to imply that it should not remain a thought experiment if it helps my depression so much. I am uncertain about that. I think I should only use it in slow dosages and look how it affects my psyche. Hypomania is also dangerous. I think doing it could trigger a hypomanic episode. Which would delay my downfall for some months but the crash afterwards would only be worse. I am not sure how I will evaluate the experience after I did it. I think I am not the person who thinks about first times that they have to be amazing. My first kiss without a joke: I had a psychosis and was fixated in a psych ward on a bed. I could not move (I think when I slept they removed it). And while I was sleeping a psychotic maybe 11 years old comes in my room and tries to kiss me on the mouth. It was so fucking scary. I woke up walked to the staff and told them to remove her. I think in the same night I also pissed myself on the floor. I was really psychotic and puzzled. So well I think going to a hooker might be a better first experience than this. Maybe. Lmao. Not sure whether it is a smart choice still. It has to be safe.
