Ive wanted to kill myself for about a decade, or around half my life. I somewhat tried this winter but could not drink enough SN to finish, only to be very extremely sick for 2 days. Now my mom has been diagnosed with leukemia. It is extremely stressing. I'm happy I failed killing myself because I think my mom would have not been able to take it, but shes responding to treatment. Even if she remisses there is a very large chance she dies from this disease. The problem is I still want to end it. I don't think the world as it is is a place for me, and I would be better just experiencing life as a child with no worries. I am very torn and its getting so much worse, but I cant off myself now, or anytime in the next 5-15 years. Iv'e never felt more trapped, but I know no matter what I cant die before my mom does now. As much motivation that gives me it is so so scary. I've wanted out of this shit for as long as I can remember and now im fully trapped. I owe my mom for supporting me this far, I cant die while she's suffering like this. Fuck. I've tried to get better but it never helps. Even at my most suicidal ive never even sort of felt this bad. Suicidal ideation always helped me see that if it came down to it there is a way out. Now there is none. I cannot die until my mom either is in remission for 5+ years or she dies. I dont know what to do and every day it gets worse. I Want to drink myself to death.
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I'm sorry that your mother is going through this. Watching family members suffering and not being able to help, makes me feel horrible.
I get that feeling as well, wanting to ctb, but feeling like I owe it to the people around me to keep living as to not let their efforts be in vain.
It really feels horrible to want to ctb but can't because of the pain it will cause.
I get that feeling as well, wanting to ctb, but feeling like I owe it to the people around me to keep living as to not let their efforts be in vain.
It really feels horrible to want to ctb but can't because of the pain it will cause.
I have known the pain it will cause and to some level I've come to terms with it, but I'm afraid that if my mom see's her son die she will not be able to beat her cancer. The immune system and human heath generally is heavily effected by the persons mental state. A greiving mother must be less likely to survive, and leukemia is a terrible way to die. I at this point and staying alive in the hopes that maybe my mom can suffer less if im here. I know I have to, not societally but moraly, be alive for the time being. I'm afraid I wont be able to cope and ill flip out and be hospitalized, causing to much stress to my mom. I have no idea what to do at all, knowing you cant die and there is no way out of this fucking labyrinth is the worst feeling. I hate this so much every second is terrible its been like this for so long fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I really don't know how I am going to be able to cope with this. I'm just desperately trying to cope with how I'm going to deal with this, either if she survives or dies. I am so so fucking afraid fuck. I know it's selfish to worry about myself right now but fuck every day I stay in this fucking awful word is torture. I feel as though I was born just to suffer constantly throughout life. I don't think I'll ever be successful in finding lasting joy. And now if I go my mom will not only emotionally suffer more than I, but could possibly fair worse in her likely slow and painful death. Fuck. This is so so so bad.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,885
That sounds like an awful situation to be in. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It must be so unbearable wanting to leave this world yet feeling as though you have to stay here. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
I appreciate it. I do want to leave but I feel like for me I am willing to suffer until either she dies or she is in a long-ish term stable state, which we wont be sure for a number of years.
