TatsumiportSkyline7
Member
- Oct 26, 2025
- 6
When i was a kid, my parents split up, but i didn't really care about that, many people can live happy lives with only one parent.
But the parent that was taking care of me was my terrible mother, i basically never saw her and when i did it was simply walking on eggshels to avoid pissing her off, she was constantly working her ass off and when she came back home i was there to take the consequences.
I wasn't beaten thankfully, at least not when i wasn't being a stupid kid, tho it wouldn't have been out of character for her to just come home and whoop my ass.
I lived w that woman for 16 exhausting years of my life, but make that 11 as the first 4 i was a baby and a toddler, i have never EVER felt any connection to her that wasn't superificial, i knew i HAD to love her cause she was my mother, and i KNEW she was trying her best, but thats basically where my relationship w her started and ended, i can count on one hand the amount of times we spent together in 11 YEARS that weren't forced or didn't end in disaster.
Moreover, that neglect led me to isolating myself from everything, i wanted to go out and do shit w kids my age, but i either wasn't allowed since She wasnt there to take me or i simply chose not to because my bitch of a mom never bothered to encourage me to go and see other children my age, help with my shyness or do anything at all whatsoever, which meant that, aside from the few times when i did approach someone, i spent my childhood alone at home watching TV like a divorced 40 year old man.
But many people can recover from that, its just neglect after all, but i just HAD to have that disgusting mental illness that makes you wanna be another gender, i'm sorry if anybody feels offended by that description and i'm not mad at you or transphobic or anything, but its the worst part of me, i hate it with every inch of my being, not only do i lack any basic form of parental affection apart from "I'll buy you this if you shut the fuck up" prior to 16 years old when i moved in with my father (whom she made me hate during my entire childhood, but thats a story for another time, if i was listing all the things that woman did wrong the board would crash), but i now also had to deal with the fact that i'll never love myself, other people or my body ever, because its just not meant to be.
And this is what i meant by the title, i don't wanna die, but i have absolutely no other option, i can't deal with this, its great that others can but i can't, "What if i hasn't been trans" "what if my mother didn't suck" "what if i didn't isolate myself as a kid", all answers that will never have a question.
I hope i find a way to CTB asap, any moment outside of my room is pain, im sorry if this is rambly or incoherent but i just needed to shout in the void for a bit.
But the parent that was taking care of me was my terrible mother, i basically never saw her and when i did it was simply walking on eggshels to avoid pissing her off, she was constantly working her ass off and when she came back home i was there to take the consequences.
I wasn't beaten thankfully, at least not when i wasn't being a stupid kid, tho it wouldn't have been out of character for her to just come home and whoop my ass.
I lived w that woman for 16 exhausting years of my life, but make that 11 as the first 4 i was a baby and a toddler, i have never EVER felt any connection to her that wasn't superificial, i knew i HAD to love her cause she was my mother, and i KNEW she was trying her best, but thats basically where my relationship w her started and ended, i can count on one hand the amount of times we spent together in 11 YEARS that weren't forced or didn't end in disaster.
Moreover, that neglect led me to isolating myself from everything, i wanted to go out and do shit w kids my age, but i either wasn't allowed since She wasnt there to take me or i simply chose not to because my bitch of a mom never bothered to encourage me to go and see other children my age, help with my shyness or do anything at all whatsoever, which meant that, aside from the few times when i did approach someone, i spent my childhood alone at home watching TV like a divorced 40 year old man.
But many people can recover from that, its just neglect after all, but i just HAD to have that disgusting mental illness that makes you wanna be another gender, i'm sorry if anybody feels offended by that description and i'm not mad at you or transphobic or anything, but its the worst part of me, i hate it with every inch of my being, not only do i lack any basic form of parental affection apart from "I'll buy you this if you shut the fuck up" prior to 16 years old when i moved in with my father (whom she made me hate during my entire childhood, but thats a story for another time, if i was listing all the things that woman did wrong the board would crash), but i now also had to deal with the fact that i'll never love myself, other people or my body ever, because its just not meant to be.
And this is what i meant by the title, i don't wanna die, but i have absolutely no other option, i can't deal with this, its great that others can but i can't, "What if i hasn't been trans" "what if my mother didn't suck" "what if i didn't isolate myself as a kid", all answers that will never have a question.
I hope i find a way to CTB asap, any moment outside of my room is pain, im sorry if this is rambly or incoherent but i just needed to shout in the void for a bit.
