theSquid
Member
- Jul 6, 2023
- 17
Ive been suicidal for about a third of my life. In the beginning I didn't think i was gonna make it past 15, then i did, and the following years up to my 18th birthday i tried to get the most out of my youth by doing as many risky things i could. And i swore over and over that i wouldn't let myself turn 18. I was terrified of turning 18! I felt that the older i got, the less desirable i became and that when i turned 18 i would lose all my value. When you are over 18 your struggles also aren't taken as seriously as when you're a kid so i wanted to get as bad as possible before that. Then i turned 18 and it was probably the worst thing I've ever felt. I had dreaded it for years and i had so many panic attacks and was having anxiety 24/7. The only thing i could comfort myself with was that i was at least still a teenager.
Now I'm turning 20 in less than two weeks and i don't know what to do. I've come this far and i am doing better mentally than before so I'm not sure if i even want to die anymore. At the same time, i have promised myself for years that i wouldn't let it get to this point and i know i should've been gone by now. I feel a sort of guilt and duty to myself to end my life.
Whether I decide to kill myself or not, I don't even know how i want to spend the last couple of days i have left as a teenager.
Now I'm turning 20 in less than two weeks and i don't know what to do. I've come this far and i am doing better mentally than before so I'm not sure if i even want to die anymore. At the same time, i have promised myself for years that i wouldn't let it get to this point and i know i should've been gone by now. I feel a sort of guilt and duty to myself to end my life.
Whether I decide to kill myself or not, I don't even know how i want to spend the last couple of days i have left as a teenager.
