Discussion Middle aged and tired of fighting

[sadteachermom1]

I am a 51 year old who has battled depression all my life and I just don't want to fight any more. I just want to die and have all the responsibility and burdens lifted. My life holds no joy. I just force myself to go on existing for my teenage daughters. I feel like a complete failure in every part of my life, and if I could figure out a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident or by natural causes I would do it.

 

[Al Cappella]

I'm in the same boat, save that I'm 58 and have no daughters. I too am completely exhausted, and feel I've failed at everything. Lifelong depression/anxiety just takes so much from and out of a person. Anyway, I feel for you, and as cliche as it is, you're not alone.

 

[Live Free or Die]

I just want to die and have all the responsibility and burdens lifted. My life holds no joy.

This.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I too am tired and turn 50 in a few weeks,my Staffie has Degenerative Myelopathy and struggles to walk,there is no cure,l have him on CBD oil which does make a significant difference,the vet has given him 3-6 months-a year at the most! His Cremation has already been arranged, l know what you mean when you say you are tired and just want the burden of life to go away! I feel the same way but must push on for my old Doggy as l promised to always be there for him and l don't break promises! Wishing you peace @sadteachermom1,

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I can imagine it must be unbearable suffering for so long. It can be very dreadful living a miserable existence. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Darkover]

time to die

 

[miserableforever]

I am a 51 year old who has battled depression all my life and I just don't want to fight any more. I just want to die and have all the responsibility and burdens lifted. My life holds no joy. I just force myself to go on existing for my teenage daughters. I feel like a complete failure in every part of my life, and if I could figure out a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident or by natural causes I would do it.

As a mother who had all their opportunities removed from them due to unfair treatment and as the result of BPD, I understand you completely.
Unless you spent your motherhood years willingly neglecting your kids in the worst ways, you are not a failure.
Life as a parent is hard, and escaping depression, let alone finding joy in things, can become an impossible task.
I've been there, I am there.
It's a strange 'but shouldn't I be happy they're happy?' situation.
I don't know. Venturing out a little too far.
If you'd like, talk about yourself, so we understand your circumstances better.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

My dog had a similar diagnosis. His passing was peaceful and at home when his suffering became too great.If I had only known I'd be leaving via the same method as he did, a scant year later… without the injection. He just went to sleep. We should all hope for such a peaceful passing.

indeed @readysteady l wish the vet would give me the same injection to take away with me so once my dog has been Cremated l could give myself the same injection and also peacefully go to sleep and be with him over the bridge! My sincere condolences for the loss of your dog x

 

[JoeyJoey]

I'm in the same boat, save that I'm 58 and have no daughters. I too am completely exhausted, and feel I've failed at everything. Lifelong depression/anxiety just takes so much from and out of a person. Anyway, I feel for you, and as cliche as it is, you're not alone.

We are in the same boat

 

[pc2022]

Another person in the same boat here. 48 and a long-term sufferer. You're not alone, as others have said.

 

[Fish Face]

I am too nearly 50 and as such unemployable. I always hated being female and the constant physical pain now it is just horrific.

 

[Ligottian]

Sixty-one years old here. Still almost boyish looking. I constantly think about ctb. But I still need that one last trauma that will finally push me to the deed.

 

[Kristicide]

My dog had a similar diagnosis. His passing was peaceful and at home when his suffering became too great.

If I had only known I'd be leaving via the same method as he did, a scant year later… without the injection. He just went to sleep. We should all hope for such a peaceful passing.

My dog is old. I wonder if I made an appt for her saying it was time to put her down and I grabbed the needle from the vet and stuck myself with it would I die? Unfortunately probably not since my dog is 30lbs and I'm 120. I wish humans could have the same option to die peacefully as our pets do.

 

[angiegirl30]

This is me except I just turned 54 and have 2 grown sons. Have anxiety, depression and PTSD. Can no longer work as a nurse due to injuries I sustained from being hit head on by a drunk driver. I struggle with my value, self worth and purpose everyday. I have other health issues that don't exactly help either. My heart goes out to all of you. I didn't realize there were so many others close to my age who felt the same way.

 

[Willto]

Also nearly 50. Life is behind me, can't see any future. In a black hole, with no escape but to exit this life.

 

[Obliviate]

I really wanna thank and acknowledge that the older people on here are being honest about how life is at that age. We young people are always told the same positivity crap that "it gets better" "You have your whole life ahead of you" "just wait" blah blah blah and I just know that there is no such thing as bliss happiness, it's rare for life to actually get better. So many have shared their experience on how they had that hope when they were younger and it just got worse as they got older.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

55 and feeling same. Want to indulge in a beautiful adventurous life but played cards badly - suffering fatigue, depression and financial mismanagement throughout my adult life. Have now reached survival mode. Far short of expectations and potential.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I'm 48 and feel the same way. Physical illness for last 30 years with increasing cognitive decline and anhedonia from medications have left me a shell. I have 3 children and a wife and they make it difficult to leave.

I really wanna thank and acknowledge that the older people on here are being honest about how life is at that age. We young people are always told the same positivity crap that "it gets better" "You have your whole life ahead of you" "just wait" blah blah blah and I just know that there is no such thing as bliss happiness, it's rare for life to actually get better. So many have shared their experience on how they had that hope when they were younger and it just got worse as they got older.

The thing that sucks for the older people who are suffering is that there actually are tons of people our age who are happy and not doing badly at all. I hate them. Those people who are doing fine won't be lying when they say not to worry because in their experience there is no reason to worry. My wife's 90 year old grandmother is sharp as a tack and full of energy. It makes me crazy. I don't wish that she felt like crap but I am extremely jealous.

55 and feeling same. Want to indulge in a beautiful adventurous life but played cards badly - suffering fatigue, depression and financial mismanagement throughout my adult life. Have now reached survival mode. Far short of expectations and potential.

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. Its misery.

 

[SamTam33]

Never mind. It's not even worth mentioning.

 

[Obliviate]

I'm 48 and feel the same way. Physical illness for last 30 years with increasing cognitive decline and anhedonia from medications have left me a shell. I have 3 children and a wife and they make it difficult to leave.

The thing that sucks for the older people who are suffering is that there actually are tons of people our age who are happy and not doing badly at all. I hate them. Those people who are doing fine won't be lying when they say not to worry because in their experience there is no reason to worry. My wife's 90 year old grandmother is sharp as a tack and full of energy. It makes me crazy. I don't wish that she felt like crap but I am extremely jealous.

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. Its misery.

Yeah I get the hurt when you see others having all the luck especially when they are bad people who don't deserve it and you feel like a punching bag to the universe. It took time to accept that it's really just about luck and privilege, some people have it some people don't. Coincidentally, the higher ups in charge just happen to be evil. Karma would be amazing if it existed. But when I see people who are doing great and are good people I honestly get so proud and happy for them. Like atleast some of us good ones are gonna make it.

 

[sevenkarmas]

Late 40s here. Most of the media concentration has been on younger posters, but I take some comfort in knowing I'm not one of just a few. Depression has been constant with ebbs and flows throughout my life. My SI has always been towards my kids - not wanting to embarrass them, making sure they were able to be successful and have a chance. Those inhibitors were removed from me about a month ago. I feel like it's going to happen. I already know what I'm going to do and have purchased the necessary tools to make it happen. The only thing holding me back now is cleaning up some things to make life easier for my Mom and brother.

 

[BGooG]

I'm 61 and have had suicidal ideation for many years now. I have a wife I love (who hates me as near as I can tell) and an 18 yr old daughter who is brilliant and troubled and self-hurting. If I were to die it's be the last straw for her; at least, that's what I fear. Most other aspects of my life are good (although we're hugely in debt, but if we retire and sell our house we'll be fine). I'm always comforted to read about other older people here. Actually, comforted is a bad word, given that everyone here is suffering.

Short answer - you're not alone. Suicidality hits at all ages (I'm actually in the highest risk group - male, middle-aged, middle-class).

 

[Pluto]

So many have shared their experience on how they had that hope when they were younger and it just got worse as they got older.

I can only speak for myself, but many of us older folk made mistakes at your age that seemed to seal our fates. Granted, we only knew what we knew at the time. You don't have to make the same mistakes if you're open to talking about your challenges, and learning from our experiences.

I just force myself to go on existing for my teenage daughters.

I've known a few people to face this situation and I know how awful it is. Sometimes the people we care about drain us of energy until we can no longer function. On top of that, teenage years can be a low point with none of the sweetness of early childhood, yet none of the mature empathy of adulthood. If there is a way forward, it would involve setting boundaries and giving yourself permission to balance caretaking roles with spending time and energy on activities around caring for yourself.

 

[Obliviate]

I can only speak for myself, but many of us older folk made mistakes at your age that seemed to seal our fates. Granted, we only knew what we knew at the time. You don't have to make the same mistakes if you're open to talking about your challenges, and learning from our experiences.

I've been a pretty decent human being and made great choices but that doesn't stop bad luck and fate unfortunately. There's only so much you have control of in your life, no matter how kind and courteous a person is.

 

[BlazingBob]

I'll be 50 on election day (US) I wish I could vote myself out of existence. I'm exhausted. Tired of seeing assholes prosper. Tired of the futility of trying to manage chronic illness. I haven't worked in 4 years and about to be homeless. Lifelong sufferer of treatment resistant depression. I've fought as hard as I could and I failed. Thinking about my future (or lack thereof) makes me feel like throwing up because unless I win the lottery I'm truly up shit creek with two broken paddles, heading for a massive waterfall. I made some bad choices but physical and mental health problems are what sunk me. I'm just waiting for my dogs. After they're gone so am I. I can so relate to the other posters. Well, time for a nap. I have an hour and a half before I have to feed the dogs and give one of them his insulin injection which I have to do every 12 hours. When I say nap that means lying with my eyes closed and likely not sleeping because of diabolical insomnia, but that's another story.