Venting Long long read

[Jc40]

I spoke with my brother last night, we're honest with each other re suicide stuff, though I didn't say I've got plans.

I'd said that when our parents die I'm not going to stick around and he said "but you still have some good times right? I can't think about them going but in time it might be easier cos their assets will be divided between us. You can sell your flat and move to quieter place, we'll (him and sis) help you with everything. Think about what you will have in 20 years".

I still feel its not worth it. I've got brca2 gene, yeah I may not get bc but there's higher percentage I will so in regards to what he was saying I may not get to 10 years. Although it's a way out I don't want to live as I am till then.

I'm trying to get this all out my head, I'm doing crappy with pain an mood.

Cons for CO are I'd be doing it last couple days parents on holiday, I'd be doing it in their garden and they'd come back to me and I'd destroy anymore good times they have there (I didn't think that till now)

Sorry this is so fucking long. Someone shoot me.

Yeah I've got sn just sitting at mine, why am I making things harder for myself.
Thinking start regime on Saturday. I'm off Monday. Dunno. Just how I feel right now.

What's the point carrying on as I am. Can't get better as me.

 

[200_ponies]

First I just wanna say you're not alone. And don't worry about the post length; we all need to vent sometimes.

Have you ever considered talking to someone about why you feel this way? I'm in no way trying to change your mind about suicide because that's 100% your decision, but I know that I used to have massive self-esteem issues and I hated myself. I tried therapy for a few months and although it didn't fix my hatred towards life, it did help me a lot with my self-hatred. It made me more peaceful inside, and that's honestly a gift right now.

Of course only you know what you can/can't handle, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Either way, know that we're here for you.

 

[Jc40]

I can't go through with sn. I won't be going doing that.