Live or Die, but in the middle no more!!

[dandan]

I said I'm going to make an effort at living Life,
im doing it, I'll continue pushing myself today.

It would be a mistake, not to make a bigger effort to live life.
It wuold be a mistake to give up today.

If today I am not catching the bus, then I rather live the best I can, instead of living with angry, sad, or doing nothing to get better.

If I am not going to push and live, fine.... I can CTB....

But I am not going to be in the middle no more!!

It would be a mistake to think that if I try to live, im doomed to failure , sadness, depression and bad luck....
It would be a mistake to think that if I push myself to live... means I have to suffer, be angry sad, HATE or REGRET, wich permeated by life.

I have my N, so I must not suffer very much, I rather drink my N than suffering and wasting life time.
at least thats what I say, but its easier said than done,
I just got 2, 3 days pushing myself to be active and do things that can make me a better man, and I might write so possitive at the moment and I assure you im doing it in spite of wanting to die too, im going to live, no matter I woke up wishing death because I use to hate so much what happened, and I also felt some hate against my father
and I have thought getting back to him with violence

It would be mistake to continue living with hate towards him while I'm alive,
It would be mistake to think that if I choose to LIVE today, I can't catch the bus tomorrow if things go sour.

But the biggest mistake I can make TODAY is to not act towards my goals, doing my project, my lotto, my Saving the Stray Dogs pyramid scheme system, and to not do my work at my job because im a little behind this fucking IT job I have, damm haha I better get back to work...

 

[dandan]

After 4 days of trying to live and having good days, it just takes hours to realize I want to try enjoy some days before I ctb, all my hopes were ripped apart in a few moments thinking and realizing how things are.....

 

[deathenvoy]

After 4 days of trying to live and having good days, it just takes hours to realize I want to try enjoy some days before I ctb, all my hopes were ripped apart in a few moments thinking and realizing how things are.....

Could you elaborate how things are?

 

[Midnight]

While reading your post i could relate to alot of it... I understand what it's like. Especially how every piece of progress can be undone just by one nights thinking about how fucked everything is anyway. Take care friend. I really hope your effort at life pay's off.

 

[dandan]

Could you elaborate how things are?

I'll never forget 20 years of my life have been taken away from me from depression , and ugly thinking , poor self esteem, fighting and being insulted and critizced by my father (whom I have wished a painfully death , wish I could forgive him or make him understand bwhat I felt, like revenge).

I have an ok job, software btester , but my memory is constant fucking me up, yesterday they told me they teaches me something , but I really do t remember, my memory is damaged I believe due to electosshocks ect therapy , drugs, and couple head bumps in car accidents, I'm okay only memory fails.

Constantly remembering how I quit my job many years ago to find Bitcoin when I had no money. I worked making software and spent the little money I had on drugs , a person lended me 2,500usd instead of buying Bitcoin I tried to build the same pyramid to help blind people, like a charity mlm. So what I want to say is regret is part of my life, between those 2,500 and other 2,500 I got from the bank if I had invested in Bitcoin instead of my mom and living I would have had around 40million usd, yeah...... Some people i hanged out with in those times are currently super rich. Regret I fucked it up

I'm 38, my life savings are not even 1 Bitcoin, 7k.

I'm not funny, not cool, no social skills, I'm tired, I'll never recover evven a fraction of what I lost.

My ex girl, was totally poor I couldn't support her, she went to Canada babysitting and the babies uncle fell in love with her , now she's rich living in Canada with him, and that's great, only I see I'm the one out of luck.

I really hate my dad cause I begged him to lend me $500usd to buy Bitcoin back in 2012 we had such a fight over 6 months he said I was really stupid and I'll never amount to anything, and we don't talk anymore.

I'm not envyous but my brother , cousins, and friends are super rich, I could've been too, living a great life , and now I feel doomed to work the 8 to 6 for the rest of my life....and if I want a house probably in debt forever, fuck that

Money and regret is important. However my depresion and I'll thoughts about how I am not able to have friends enjoy time started at 18yo, I had suicidal thoughts due to my social anxiety since around 23, when money was not an issue....


Last December I lost enough money to buy a small NICE house where I live, around 60k
In stupid crypto

My best friend whom I hanged out with is married with a beautiful women and drives a Porsche.... I'm on Uber , 40yo and don't own shit....

He's still a friend thoug but we talk on the phone , plus I cant and won't say I'm suicidalz so maybe not friend friend, indkntbtalk suicidal things with anyone except brother and mother. They are tired of me too. My mom says she's accepted me and my condition. If I kill myself she understands for she spent a lot of money with many many doctors .

I look like a millionaire, I'm pretty, but don't have shit.

I think and think and think how to make money and I haven't found a way!!! And there's many people making money.

I had a meeting with a stray dog association I want to get involved in my pyramid donation thing, they like the transparency and the automatic release of funds so I can't cheat... They brought their 25 yo daughter, she showed me how she makes 7k every 2,3 weeks making post on Facebook..... Cpa, but didn't showed me the tricks, I asked her if she could show me later and she said yes...

I was the smartest cousin of the family back in elementary, junior high, had won all the awards and had barley couple 9's and only tens.

I'm the biggest looser of all my cousin's and friends now.

I have 7 years wanting to make my pyramid to help people and the only time I started it 7 years ago... Had some success but I fright ened and quit ....

Peole asked me for their share when bitocin went 20k
That bitcioin was handed out in the charity mlm program, I told them they had their commissions in their wallet, which I had no access too, they forgot their key... They asked me if I can give them the money hahaha of course not, it's in their wallet... This is irrelevant......

I always have had pessimistic thoughts , and being possitive shows no results...


What can I expect out of life?
I can't get married or even a girlfriend cause I'm constantly battling depression , pessims, and suicidal thoughts, I won't get involved a woman into that....
Kids?? They are so expensive!!! I can't afford them

Money is very important to me, just enough to make a living .... I do believe money can be a catalyst onnmy situation .... But I'll never recover the 2200 ethereums I had or the 25 Bitcoin I holded once... So fuck it...

I do want to build my mlm donation because behind it I believe it's going to be needed in the future, when multinationals own most of the world and we need to come together tonight the big corporation who rule our lives .... We need to come together, financially!!

I expected so much of myself, and got nothing!

 

[WinterIsComing]

Is there a way for you to get help with your brothers and do an investment un something? :s try to be calm and go step by step, it seems you are pressuring yourself and is understandable, i feel the dame like you the different is that you are doing something.
Try meditation, don't let anxiety win and focus on your recovery goal .

*I'm doing hipnosis for anxiety and it helps for me.
Good luck!

 

[dandan]

I'm on testosterone therapy, I'm a fucking rockstar, im doing everything I ever wished for, I'm me, and I'm great

 

[joshe]

I'm on testosterone therapy, I'm a fucking rockstar, im doing everything I ever wished for, I'm me, and I'm great

So.. Everything is good now? Life fixed?

 

[dandan]

So.. Everything is good now? Life fixed?

at least for the last couple weeks, and today, yes.... I just dont know what will happen when I HAVE to get off the pills and injections im using...
the doctor told me not to worry, that there are methods... and I dont worry, but I just dont know...