Life was going great until he cheated on me, how do I cope?

[nawee]

I was recovering from my suicidal thoughts, I have BPD I am diagnosed so its much harder for me to deal with things like this.
I'm still a young adult, not 20 yet and I'm studying, recently I moved in with my dad, but I was kicked out by my dad because his new wife (not my biological mom) hated me and shit talked me everyday, despite me being good and doing everything I was supposed to do, making my own food, buying my own things, studying, looking for a job since I had to quit my last one. I did nothing wrong, I guess she was jealous she didn't have my dads full attention anymore because before that I used to live with my mom.
I was angry of course but I thought things really couldn't get worse, things in my relationship was going great we even went on dates in Aarhus Denmark. I even gave him my innocence, he seemed so perfect and affectionate towards me but I had found out he cheated on me for our whole relationship with a girl he called Em.
I feel dirty for even letting him take my innocence at all I feel betrayed, I always told myself it would go to someone I'd consider trustable and someone I'd marry but I'm literally just so stupid and dumb I couldn't see the girl he was cheating on me with the whole time. He always told me I was the only girl for him, turns out I wasn't.
He's upset he cheated, he doesn't want to let me go and I don't want to let go either but I don't know how I will live with something like this
I didn't know how to react, I felt emotionless for the most time but when I came home it all came down to me like a big blow, I feel all these emotions I don't understand why men I trust keep betraying my love and trust that I give to them? What did I do wrong, I don't understand what's wrong with me I just want someone to genuinely love me and it doesn't seem to be possible from anyone.
Am I even meant to be on here to be happy? Was I put on earth just to suffer my whole life? I've never once felt special or beautiful, it just hurts because I almost did this time.
I've been spiraling honestly, I've been considering taking my own life out of impulsion because everything is so overwhelming and I just want to know what I can do to not kill myself, maybe calm down my nerves..
If anyone who read this has any advice please go on

 

[nozomu]

Watch the videos from Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Most of us with BPD had difficult childhoods and accept crumbs for love. But we are destined for better and more.

Leave him also, you don't deserve to deal with that. Just because you lost your virginity to him doesn't mean you should lose your life over him. Getting rid of trash like him means you'll make room in your life for the right person to show for you. I'm almost 30, I can promise you this, it does happen and requires patience.

Also he isn't upset he cheated. He's upset he got caught. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! don't give scum second chances.

 

[nawee]

Watch the videos from Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Most of us with BPD had difficult childhoods and accept crumbs for love. But we are destined for better and more.

Leave him also, you don't deserve to deal with that. Just because you lost your virginity to him doesn't mean you should lose your life over him. Getting rid of trash like him means you'll make room in your life for the right person to show for you. I'm almost 30, I can promise you this, it does happen and requires patience.

Also he isn't upset he cheated. He's upset he got caught. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! don't give scum second chances.

Thank you for your advice, I thought so too. I don't think he's upset for me rather upset he got caught but he doesn't want to admit that.
It's hard to let someone go for me though, it feels like the end of the world but I'll try to eventually when I get the courage to

 

[nozomu]

Thank you for your advice, I thought so too. I don't think he's upset for me rather upset he got caught but he doesn't want to admit that.
It's hard to let someone go for me though, it feels like the end of the world but I'll try to eventually when I get the courage to

Please let go. You are activating your BPD by staying. He won't change. It hurts and it sucks, I won't deny it. You will feel lonely and sad for a while. But cheating is always a cheaters fault bc they can leave if they don't want to be in a relationship. You did nothing to deserve this.

Things will get better with time. And in the meantime you can work on yourself to teach yourself how to spot safe people.

 

[nawee]

Please let go. You are activating your BPD by staying. He won't change. It hurts and it sucks, I won't deny it. You will feel lonely and sad for a while. But cheating is always a cheaters fault bc they can leave if they don't want to be in a relationship. You did nothing to deserve this.

Things will get better with time. And in the meantime you can work on yourself to teach yourself how to spot safe people.

Thank you so much, I'll try my best

 

[nozomu]

Here's a helpful video!

 

[nightlygem]

Nozomu has some great advice here. And I want to echo their words. letting go of this person will not be easy for you, and you may have urges to just forgive and forget. However, you must stand by what's right for you. always consider yourself before you consider others. Easier said than done, but with consistency you'll get through it. Much love.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Let go of the cheater, you deserve better. They are only upset that they got caught. If they cared they wouldn't cheat, so they are a liar, too. You will find someone, just learn from mistakes and move on.

You didn't do anything wrong, this is all on them, not you. They cheated on both of you. They are the problem, it's not you. You'll find someone better. This person will only cheat again and try to hide it better, they might already be cheating with someone else.

I don't personally believe that most men are cheaters, I hate cheaters personally. Statistics say its 1 in 5, which is just 20%. You got one of the scumbags. Change your target to improve your success. It's 4x likely the next guy won't cheat.

For me they are even a bigger scumbag for taking your innocence and cheating on you. Tbh, the biggest scumbags all seem to be like that. Ditch him.

 

[SexyIncél]

For one thing, it's not you, it's the fact that most people don't have moral virtues to be honest. By hiding it from you, he sacrificed his moral backbone. Too cowardly to simply ask if you're ok with him venting his male pleasures. In return he could concede something you'd very much like — at low cost to him

I'm not sure you'd like this next bit; feel free to ignore if you don't. But it might help you to shift your perspective. Lest you go mad or self-hate

Male lore claims that there's unpleasant truths that one must accept, or forever get heartbroken. Some are painfully unpleasant for men. But one that can hurt women is that men often have a huge urge to sleep with a variety of gals — obnoxiously difficult to override, it's part of men's reproductive apparatus that includes brain structures

Some women are totally cool with this; some women grumble but accept it for the right guy; and some just can't accept it. If you're the former, this mental reframing could make things easier

But as you point out, he's not upset for hurting you, he's upset for getting caught. He's low quality. A liar who set you up for a hard fall. That doesn't reflect on you, but on him. Few people practice moral virtues. You no longer need to act morally to him

 

[Adûnâi]

Men without choices would be a safer bet, I assume.

 

[nawee]

For one thing, it's not you, it's the fact that most people don't have moral virtues to be honest. By hiding it from you, he sacrificed his moral backbone. Too cowardly to simply ask if you're ok with him venting his male pleasures. In return he could concede something you'd very much like — at low cost to him

I'm not sure you'd like this next bit; feel free to ignore if you don't. But it might help you to shift your perspective. Lest you go mad or self-hate

Male lore claims that there's unpleasant truths that one must accept, or forever get heartbroken. Some are painfully unpleasant for men. But one that can hurt women is that men often have a huge urge to sleep with a variety of gals — obnoxiously difficult to override, it's part of men's reproductive apparatus that includes brain structures

Some women are totally cool with this; some women grumble but accept it for the right guy; and some just can't accept it. If you're the former, this mental reframing could make things easier

But as you point out, he's not upset for hurting you, he's upset for getting caught. He's low quality. A liar who set you up for a hard fall. That doesn't reflect on you, but on him. Few people practice moral virtues. You no longer need to act morally to him

I just seem to attract the wrong men all the time, I don't even hate them for what they did to me or whatever happens I just seem to take it out on myself. I'm just sad because I feel like I'm just unlovable, this keeps happening, but this time it hurt the most because I finally softened up and managed to give him all my trust, even my innocence which I've been super careful with. I feel dumb he always lied to me about things like I was the only girl he saw, he wanted to only be with me and grow old with me and die from old age together I feel crushed I hate this I hate myself for being so stupid to even believe someone would completely commit for someone like me

 

[LunarLynx]

I just seem to attract the wrong men all the time, I don't even hate them for what they did to me or whatever happens I just seem to take it out on myself. I'm just sad because I feel like I'm just unlovable, this keeps happening, but this time it hurt the most because I finally softened up and managed to give him all my trust, even my innocence which I've been super careful with. I feel dumb

You can't control how other people think. I know it's cliché but it's his loss, you haven't break his trust, he did. You don't have to blame yourself about it and you neither have to feel dumb about it. Sadly it happen and you can't do anything about it :/

 

[iori011x3]

I just seem to attract the wrong men all the time, I don't even hate them for what they did to me or whatever happens I just seem to take it out on myself.

I remember reading somewhere that men (who are problematic/toxic/manipulative) tend to seek out girls who they think they can manipulate successfully or something. dump his ass. you deserve so much better girl.

 

[nawee]

I remember reading somewhere that men (who are problematic/toxic/manipulative) tend to seek out girls who they think they can manipulate successfully or something. dump his ass. you deserve so much better girl.

Thank you, yeah that is true and unfortunately probably my case. Also I just wanted to say I love your needy girl overload ame pfp

 

[iori011x3]

Thank you, yeah that is true and unfortunately probably my case. Also I just wanted to say I love your needy girl overload ame pfp

thanks !!! i really like your kuromi pfp too <3 lolita & jirai kuromi are the best !!

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm sorry that you went through this, and even more sorry that you've had someone on this thread tell you that you essentially got cheated on because of some biological urge. I'm not interested in arguing that, I'm not a man so that's not my jurisdiction anyway. While there may be some truth to that and it may help you to accept that this is just the way people are, I hesitate to let you internalize it quite like that. I would not want you to think that is some standard experience in dating and I would not want you to come to expect it from, or end up hating, men. It's an unfortunately common but ultimately unacceptable behavior from both sexes, but cheating is a breach of trust, point blank, and there are people in this world that choose to engage in that behavior and people who do not.

Like everyone else has pointed out, you are not the cause of it. It's nothing that you did or didn't do, nothing that you could have done differently or better. It's not even like he couldn't keep it in his pants, either— he could have, monogamy is a choice and he simply did not choose it. Not only that, but he kept it all under your nose and attempted to manipulate you so that he could use you some more. Everything, all of the responsibility, it lies on his shoulders alone and I hope that you'll take on none of it. He'll have to carry that weight himself and one day it might crush him, but you should focus on yourself. Sadly, cheaters are very good at leaving you behind to clean up the pieces of you that they so happily shattered. And they're going to cheat whether we're careful or not. It's not something we control.

The pain that you're going through is real and you should allow yourself the time and space to feel it, but please, don't look back on this situation and don't let it kill you. It's unfortunate but I think many girls end up giving their firsts to a loser who cheats on them or somehow abuses their trust otherwise. It's a cannon event that we can't interfere with. There's even a saying: "no, that boy you're dating at nineteen is not your soulmate and yes, the heartbreak is going to change you."

By saying this, I don't want to dismiss or demean you. I just want to communicate that you aren't alone and many women have been in your shoes. I went through it, and almost slammed my car into a wall going 100mph. It sucked a lot but if you make a decision to keep pushing, years from now, the memory will only sting a little and make you cringe when you think about it. And as somebody else said, it's possible to find a love that was worth waiting for later on in your life. Most people don't get it right on their first try, or even their first few tries, anyway. This feels like the end of the world because it's the first time your world has shattered like this. Losing your virginity and being attached to that person is a well documented phenomenon and often when those relationships end, they're extraordinarily painful. I imagine that with BPD, this must all be so much more worse and confusing. It will make you want to die, certainly, but please, don't let this eat you alive. And don't think that you're stupid, or that you deserve it, or that it was bound to happen; none of that is the truth.

I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you other than to tell you that the only way out of it is to somehow get through it. How you do that is up to you. Letting go is hard, but it's made a bit easier by choosing yourself. Recognize what he did has hurt you and it is therefore unacceptable, and make the decision not to put yourself through that with him again. Second chances aren't always deserved. I hope that you can feel more calm. Do you have a support circle during this time?

 

[nawee]

I'm sorry that you went through this, and even more sorry that you've had someone on this thread tell you that you essentially got cheated on because of some biological urge. I'm not interested in arguing that, I'm not a man so that's not my jurisdiction anyway. While there may be some truth to that and it may help you to accept that this is just the way people are, I hesitate to let you internalize it quite like that. I would not want you to think that is some standard experience in dating and I would not want you to come to expect it from, or end up hating, men. It's an unfortunately common but ultimately unacceptable behavior from both sexes, but cheating is a breach of trust, point blank, and there are people in this world that choose to engage in that behavior and people who do not.

Like everyone else has pointed out, you are not the cause of it. It's nothing that you did or didn't do, nothing that you could have done differently or better. It's not even like he couldn't keep it in his pants, either— he could have, monogamy is a choice and he simply did not choose it. Not only that, but he kept it all under your nose and attempted to manipulate you so that he could use you some more. Everything, all of the responsibility, it lies on his shoulders alone and I hope that you'll take on none of it. He'll have to carry that weight himself and one day it might crush him, but you should focus on yourself. Sadly, cheaters are very good at leaving you behind to clean up the pieces of you that they so happily shattered. And they're going to cheat whether we're careful or not. It's not something we control.

The pain that you're going through is real and you should allow yourself the time and space to feel it, but please, don't look back on this situation and don't let it kill you. It's unfortunate but I think many girls end up giving their firsts to a loser who cheats on them or somehow abuses their trust otherwise. It's a cannon event that we can't interfere with. There's even a saying: "no, that boy you're dating at nineteen is not your soulmate and yes, the heartbreak is going to change you."

By saying this, I don't want to dismiss or demean you. I just want to communicate that you aren't alone and many women have been in your shoes. I went through it, and almost slammed my car into a wall going 100mph. It sucked a lot but if you make a decision to keep pushing, years from now, the memory will only sting a little and make you cringe when you think about it. And as somebody else said, it's possible to find a love that was worth waiting for later on in your life. Most people don't get it right on their first try, or even their first few tries, anyway. This feels like the end of the world because it's the first time your world has shattered like this. Losing your virginity and being attached to that person is a well documented phenomenon and often when those relationships end, they're extraordinarily painful. I imagine that with BPD, this must all be so much more worse and confusing. It will make you want to die, certainly, but please, don't let this eat you alive. And don't think that you're stupid, or that you deserve it, or that it was bound to happen; none of that is the truth.

I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you other than to tell you that the only way out of it is to somehow get through it. How you do that is up to you. Letting go is hard, but it's made a bit easier by choosing yourself. Recognize what he did has hurt you and it is therefore unacceptable, and make the decision not to put yourself through that with him again. Second chances aren't always deserved. I hope that you can feel more calm. Do you have a support circle during this time?

I don't have many friends or a support circle no, I'm overall a very lonely person. Problem though, I have recognized what he has done, I know what he did but I can't seem to let go and just knowing the fact that he did it hurts so bad because a part of me wants to believe he can change even though he has said so 1000000 times before just to prove me he didn't change once again. It's just so hard to deal with things like this as someone who is diagnosed with BPD, I take things much more hard and the fact that BPD makes me have severe attachment issues makes it so much harder. I always have such a hard time letting go, despite knowing what they did, but it's because of my BPD. I don't even know if I'm ready to let go, it all happened to suddenly when everything seemed so perfect and we were taking a step upwards to the relationship. He said he's scared of losing me, he doesn't want me to leave I saw him crying and I'm afraid he might try to take his life if I do actually leave since I know he's the type to do so

 

[iori011x3]

I don't have many friends or a support circle no, I'm overall a very lonely person. Problem though, I have recognized what he has done, I know what he did but I can't seem to let go and just knowing the fact that he did it hurts so bad because a part of me wants to believe he can change even though he has said so 1000000 times before just to prove me he didn't change once again. It's just so hard to deal with things like this as someone who is diagnosed with BPD, I take things much more hard and the fact that BPD makes me have severe attachment issues makes it so much harder. I always have such a hard time letting go, despite knowing what they did, but it's because of my BPD. I don't even know if I'm ready to let go, it all happened to suddenly when everything seemed so perfect and we were taking a step upwards to the relationship. He said he's scared of losing me, he doesn't want me to leave I saw him crying and I'm afraid he might try to take his life if I do actually leave since I know he's the type to do so

hey, i can understand you. i think the first step is definitely taking time away so you can think clearly. tell him you want to come back to the conversation later when your mind is clearer and emotions aren't high. or block him. even better (if you can handle it), dump him. if he can't handle having a mature and calm conversation when you're feeling better, that's just more to add onto the pile of red flags he already exhibits. i didn't know how badly i needed this until my friends told me they needed a break cuz i was hurting them really badly. it's gonna fucking hurt, but you'll have to do it. it's okay to cry, sob, feel like you don't want to leave your bed. but after each sobbing session, you'll feel just slightly better. perhaps not as much as you expect but it can definitely help vent your emotions. this is a tragic situation so don't be afraid to let your emotions out. just try your best not to make rash decisions. after i took some time away, i've started to feel better than before. it's a small step but it's important.

i'm sorry you had to be put into a situation like this. you're hurt but i want to reassure you that there was nothing you could do to deserve this. no one deserves to be cheated on. don't let his words persuade you. when you're mind is clearer, make your decision on your own without him convincing you otherwise. and i get it. it's so hard when all u wanna do is run back into his arm and pretend nothing happens. he'll just cheat again, girl. someone else out there who's willing to do more than the bare minimum will treat you so much better.

again, it's gonna be hard but you got this girl. i'm rooting for you. if you ever want to rant about him in any way or form (because i know it's gonna be tough separating yourself from him) my dms are open any time. i'd listen to you any day as long as it helps you feel better so don't be afraid to reach out to me if it's something you think you might want.

 

[nawee]

hey, i can understand you. i think the first step is definitely taking time away so you can think clearly. tell him you want to come back to the conversation later when your mind is clearer and emotions aren't high. or block him. even better (if you can handle it), dump him. if he can't handle having a mature and calm conversation when you're feeling better, that's just more to add onto the pile of red flags he already exhibits. i didn't know how badly i needed this until my friends told me they needed a break cuz i was hurting them really badly. it's gonna fucking hurt, but you'll have to do it. it's okay to cry, sob, feel like you don't want to leave your bed. but after each sobbing session, you'll feel just slightly better. perhaps not as much as you expect but it can definitely help vent your emotions. this is a tragic situation so don't be afraid to let your emotions out. just try your best not to make rash decisions. after i took some time away, i've started to feel better than before. it's a small step but it's important.

i'm sorry you had to be put into a situation like this. you're hurt but i want to reassure you that there was nothing you could do to deserve this. no one deserves to be cheated on. don't let his words persuade you. when you're mind is clearer, make your decision on your own without him convincing you otherwise. and i get it. it's so hard when all u wanna do is run back into his arm and pretend nothing happens. he'll just cheat again, girl. someone else out there who's willing to do more than the bare minimum will treat you so much better.

again, it's gonna be hard but you got this girl. i'm rooting for you. if you ever want to rant about him in any way or form (because i know it's gonna be tough separating yourself from him) my dms are open any time. i'd listen to you any day as long as it helps you feel better so don't be afraid to reach out to me if it's something you think you might want.

Thank you I really appreciate your support, I'll contact you if anything does bother me or something like that but considering how I usually shut my feelings in it's less likely. I'll see what I can do, I'll try to talk to him again and see what he has to say

 

[SexyIncél]

I don't even know if I'm ready to let go, it all happened to suddenly when everything seemed so perfect and we were taking a step upwards to the relationship. He said he's scared of losing me, he doesn't want me to leave I saw him crying and I'm afraid he might try to take his life if I do actually leave since I know he's the type to do so

Dude's an emotional mess. I'm not judging him; just observing

Also seems clear that you're not breaking up with him immediately

It's kinda irrelevant if he stops cheating; it's always in him, the potential cheating. He will always be looking at girls, entertaining fantasies, driven a bit nuts. Such tension will be long-term harmful; it'll drive resentment, as you force him away from his nature

If you stay with him, one possibility is he gets to have other girls — but you're the only one he loves. And you get to veto his side chicks — implying you guys communicate about his sexual adventures. He has to be clear: they're side chicks, not on your level. The manosphere claims that men can do this far better than women — men want sexual variety, but can remain in love with a single gal. And tbf, a girl offering this is something of a unicorn

But then you'd have to get a shit ton in return. He can't get that for free. If he fucks that up, he has to know that another man will be enjoying what he lost

BTW, women don't have game. Consider this 3-part series

 

[Emi]

Thank you for your advice, I thought so too. I don't think he's upset for me rather upset he got caught but he doesn't want to admit that.
It's hard to let someone go for me though, it feels like the end of the world but I'll try to eventually when I get the courage to

I pm'ed you! Hopefully my message brings some insight.

It's common for cheaters to be upset at first for themselves, but it goes to show that he is immature and selfish. This is going to tell you a lot about his intentions and if he refuses to tell you everything, unfortunately it will be in your best interest to break up with him.

You also have to look at it from a long-term standpoint, is it worth it? Think of the many old people who are in regret of staying with someone abusive or cheated constantly. Those are years wasted and it causes you more trauma. You are still young too so you can come out of this! If that is your choice.

Best wishes♡

Edit: I just saw the part where you said he might take his life. Lol no, don't let that crap control you. That is selfish and form of control on his part. If he does it its not on you, that was HIS decision. Hes not scared of losing you when he did it constantly with another girl. Keep in mind, a girl he slept with, touched, hugged, cuddled and you without a thought. I hate people who use suicide as a way to keep being with someone. It's downright evil.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I have to say I agree that you should totally ignore his threats to take his own life, knowing full well what forum I'm posting this from.

It's just a form of manipulation, they absolutely have no intentions of ctb'ing, it's a lie used to control you, and if they come out with that on their own, then they're an even bigger a-hole than I already suspected. If they haven't brought it up, which is not clear from what you said, it's just overthinking things and you shouldn't worry about it. Either way, it sounds like he's gotten under your skin. Anyway, this is a known manipulation tactic used by people with absolutely no intent to ctb.

As someone who may well legitimately feel suicidal after certain break-ups, I would never tell the other person. I know that it places unfair pressure on the other person and might as well make me a douchebag. It would be immature, selfish and manipulative. So people should innately know it's wrong, if he said that he's definitely not thinking about your feelings. Any decent person comes to the realisation that it would only hurt the person they love.

Don't fall for manipulation tactics. They're in the wrong and cheating is a perfectly valid reason for breaking up with someone permanently.

 

[Celerity]

The fact that he threatened suicide is a hard pass. He is a manipulator and an abuser. Get out of there.

I know a kid from high school who stayed with his abuser. She pulled the same BS on him. Being just a kid at the time, he didn't know how to see through her crap. Five kids later, and he looks like a shell of his former self. He's just a year older than me and looks like he has a decade on me at least. Life has chewed him up and spat him back out.

This man will just take, take, and take. Don't walk. Run.

 

[nawee]

I pm'ed you! Hopefully my message brings some insight.

It's common for cheaters to be upset at first for themselves, but it goes to show that he is immature and selfish. This is going to tell you a lot about his intentions and if he refuses to tell you everything, unfortunately it will be in your best interest to break up with him.

You also have to look at it from a long-term standpoint, is it worth it? Think of the many old people who are in regret of staying with someone abusive or cheated constantly. Those are years wasted and it causes you more trauma. You are still young too so you can come out of this! If that is your choice.

Best wishes♡

Edit: I just saw the part where you said he might take his life. Lol no, don't let that crap control you. That is selfish and form of control on his part. If he does it its not on you, that was HIS decision. Hes not scared of losing you when he did it constantly with another girl. Keep in mind, a girl he slept with, touched, hugged, cuddled and you without a thought. I hate people who use suicide as a way to keep being with someone. It's downright evil.

Thing is it wasnt even a girl he had met in real life, just a girl he exchanged nudes with, romantically talked to while I was literally waiting for him to come back from doing "work". He did a lot of things with her and I didn't even notice, but it baffles me he'd do this when he literally had me physically? I don't understand why

Dude's an emotional mess. I'm not judging him; just observing

Also seems clear that you're not breaking up with him immediately

It's kinda irrelevant if he stops cheating; it's always in him, the potential cheating. He will always be looking at girls, entertaining fantasies, driven a bit nuts. Such tension will be long-term harmful; it'll drive resentment, as you force him away from his nature

If you stay with him, one possibility is he gets to have other girls — but you're the only one he loves. And you get to veto his side chicks — implying you guys communicate about his sexual adventures. He has to be clear: they're side chicks, not on your level. The manosphere claims that men can do this far better than women — men want sexual variety, but can remain in love with a single gal. And tbf, a girl offering this is something of a unicorn

But then you'd have to get a shit ton in return. He can't get that for free. If he fucks that up, he has to know that another man will be enjoying what he lost

BTW, women don't have game. Consider this 3-part series

When you enter a monogamous relationship and promise your girl a monogamous relationship, promising that he won't talk to other girls or anything along the lines of that, he's the problem. If he told me he couldn't repress his feelings or be in a monogamous relationship it would've changed so much and I wouldn't have to sit around looking like a dumb fool.
I have met a man who was monogamous, he was so nice to me and always respected me. Always always told me when a girl was in contact with him, I was fine with him being friends with them because I could 100% trust him, he always told me when a girl was trying to flirt with him and he'd let me talk to her or he'd block and cut contact with her. He always called me durning parties because he missed me so much, he was a unicorn. These are the types of men women desire and look for when they get into a relationship, they are rare and I feel like when you are raised right you turn into a man like this.
Though he got introduced to the wrong crowd and got into drugs and fights too frequently so I couldn't stay with him, he wasn't the man I knew anymore.
It isn't really impossible for guys to repress their urges, and I feel like most guys can repress their urges if they really like her or really respect her and their relationship. And to be clear he did not treat her like a side chick, he treated her like another girlfriend as if we we're in a polyamorous relationship. He talked to her about cats, which girls love. Talked to her about matching clothes, playing some video game together, talked about missing her and talked about loving her. Occasionally he asked for nudes and they exchanged nudes to each other, thing is she wasn't even biologically a girl and he claims he's transphobic. She was a man to female trans person, and he cheated on me with her despite him saying to me he was transphobic. I'm not personally transphobic, I really don't care what people do with their identity or bodies but it just baffles me and honestly offends me he'd act that way with someone he claims to hate? Like why, what?


And I'm gonna say this now, men being "polyamorous" naturally/biologically is just an excuse to cheat, being "polyamorous" is a trait in both genders. It depends on how they are raised, who they're hanging out with or who they're watching/idolizing. Men are naturally however more sexual, men are naturally more clumsy, quick to make impulsive decisions meanwhile Women are naturally more careful and not as impulsive as men are. Both genders probably do have desires and fantasies for some other people, in secret or not. But men are more likely to act upon it because men are impulsive, and to teach other men that oh it's fine to be polyamorous because it's your biology is totally wrong and gives men the wrong idea, gives men a corrupted type of thinking I feel like nowadays with all these "bring back masculinity" men telling you that its fine to have a girlfriend and cheat at the same time is completely wrong and just ruins relationships.
There is no wonder why men nowadays are more polyamorous, there was a time where cheating wasn't such a big problem.
And if the man can be polyamorous, he should find a girlfriend who wants to be polyamorous, if he can go have side chicks, she can go have guys on the side too because it's not only men who have these urges. Nothing personal though, but this isn't a biology thing, it never was but people online are saying it is and it's quite literally ridiculous.
I am a medical student, I study psychology, and seeing people telling me things that aren't true because they want to normalize bad behavior, normalize hurting your own partner just because you have fetishes or urges that you can't hold. If you have fetishes and urges you can't hold, it's time to let go off of your girlfriend and find a new girlfriend who is willing to let you cheat and is willing to cheat herself because that's the only way you're going to get into a relationship like that.

 

[SexyIncél]

Sorry for mentioning that. It was no doubt callous of me to bring up so soon after your relationship struggles; and would be even more callous to waste your time quibbling over this

When I talk with people in person, it's easier to gauge them before mentioning such possibilities. And generally I know their limits, unlike anon internet exchanges. Hopefully your studies of medicine & psych will one day help you avert future problems/errors. Excuse me & good luck with him

 

[todienomore]

 

[Celerity]

C'mon, man. Seriously? You think this is helpful to OP? I also think it's sad that you think so little of yourself and other men.

To be clear, the cheating is just one reason why this guy is an asshole.

 

[SexyIncél]

C'mon, man. Seriously? You think this is helpful to OP? I also think it's sad that you think so little of yourself and other men.

To be clear, the cheating is just one reason why this guy is an asshole.

Yes, while there's a time & place for a frank, humorous discussion of the foibles of men & women... this pretty much the worst place. The OP is struggling with a lot of pain, shattered self-value & difficult questions. Caused by a self-absorbed liar
@todienomore

 

[todienomore]

@SexyIncél I thought they got a lot of good advice here, not trying to undermine that.

Patrice helped me get through similar shit as a guy, theres a grain of wisdom in everything he says. The point is that its never fair to put anyone on a pedestal. People are animals. Laughter is key to moving forward.

 

[Celerity]

@SexyIncél I thought they got a lot of good advice here, not trying to undermine that.

Patrice helped me get through similar shit as a guy, theres a grain of wisdom in everything he says. The point is that its never fair to put anyone on a pedestal. People are animals. Laughter is key to moving forward.

I highly doubt OP is in a place where they can find the humor in their situation.