I'm also leaving my partner. We've been together for 5 years, and she's the only reason I kept going so long. I'm generally in peace with dying, but the thought of leaving her still makes me really guilty. Part of me still wants to live to be with her. I feel happy thinking about our future together. But I've made too many mistakes that can't be fixed, and I have been living with manic depression for too long. I really wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I don't necessarily want to die, but I just can't live like this.
Leaving her is the hardest thing I'm ever going to do. She knows I am suicidal, and we've talked about it quite a few times, but I'm sure she doesn't expect me to go so soon. The thought of her alone and mourning me and makes me devastated. I love her so much, and I know she loves me and she needs me, so why is it that I can't stand existing in this world? Sometimes I wish that the last few years were all just a bad dream, and that I would wake up in a time where I could still fix things and live my dream life with her. I know it's silly, but it's strangely comforting. The only other thing that makes me comfortable is knowing that if that isn't the case, at least I won't exist to think about any of this anymore.