Venting It's exhausting to live this way

[TidalWaves]

I've been feeling depressed ever since I was 11 years old. I was diagnosed with depression and BPD when I turned 20 in the darkest year of my life and when I switched to a different univesity. I attempted CTB 3 times that year. During the pandemic, things actually improved a lot. Met a nice dude I dated for almost three years, got my first job and things turned out for the better.
Fast forward to 2023, I met another guy. We started dating. Things seemed great, we had a lot in common and I thought maybe I would marry him. He started to be verbally abusive and even raped me. It was awful.
Now 2025, I was recovering from my trauma. Got my braces off, my smile looked great, started to work out seriously, met a wonderful man, my relationship with my family was amazing, my health was on top. It all was great, no self harm, no CTB attempts, nothing.

Then it all went down. Things started to spiral in my family. My boyfriend and I got in a huge argument and he left me. I was diagnosed with a tumor and have high cortisol levels. My friends kept getting away from me. My boss noticed my decline and gave me a talk that I should work more because I am not performing good enough at my job.

It all went to shit and for NOTHING. I tried to do everything right. I was doing everything right. It's like I was made to be miserable. Like I am paying some past sins that I am not even aware of. It's awful I can never be happy. Everyday I wake up and I cry because I had the misfortune to be alive. I haven't felt this way in years and it's all coming back again. My ex wants to be friends with me but refuses to be a couple again, my friends keep putting excuses to not include me in things we used to do, my mom seems annoyed that I keep venting to her saying she's got it worse, my therapist seems to absolutely despise me. I did not ask for this, I just want to be loved and appreciated. Is it really that hard for someone to love me truly?

I know some people have bigger issues than I do but I've been seeing these same shitty patterns for years and it feels like a never ending cycle. I just want it all to end, no matter the cost. I am so tired to be in pain every single day.

My ex and I are going on a trip on April. He cannot go without me and I really want to do it since it's the last time Megadeth will play live. I am thinking of doing CTB once I arrive to my home country. I just hate the fact that I am an emotional burden to everyone in my life and I know that when I am going they will be better off without me.

 

[graveflower]

Sorry to hear you've been feeling that way. It really is big of you to even take the effort to type out how you're feeling and post somewhere. I think that alone shows that there is something still in you- even though the weight of everything is painfully crushing and you very likely feel like you're suffocating under the weight. I'm also sorry to hear that you've had a bad string of luck going on with your relationships- the abuse you faced or the other ones just dissolving for one reason or another. we often put a lot of value into other people- more than ourselves. I think that while its not necessarily always a good thing, it is a show of someone generally being good at heart.

Are you feeling okay about that trip you're planning on going with your ex? Do you feel like it might reignite some feelings and make you feel worse in the long run?

And also, its true that there is always someone out there who has it worse than us at any given time- but just because someone else's house got demolished, doesn't mean that your house being on fire isn't deserving of attention or people rushing to help. Its never a competition as to who has it the worst- and I'm sorry if anyone has ever used that as an excuse to downplay your absolutely valid and real pain. Sorry if this came off as rambling- having a rough night myself, and figured it'd do more good trying to provide a listening ear for others and give what mediocre advice I can than wallow in my own self-flagellation and pity all night.

 

[TidalWaves]

Sorry to hear you've been feeling that way. It really is big of you to even take the effort to type out how you're feeling and post somewhere. I think that alone shows that there is something still in you- even though the weight of everything is painfully crushing and you very likely feel like you're suffocating under the weight. I'm also sorry to hear that you've had a bad string of luck going on with your relationships- the abuse you faced or the other ones just dissolving for one reason or another. we often put a lot of value into other people- more than ourselves. I think that while its not necessarily always a good thing, it is a show of someone generally being good at heart.

Are you feeling okay about that trip you're planning on going with your ex? Do you feel like it might reignite some feelings and make you feel worse in the long run?

And also, its true that there is always someone out there who has it worse than us at any given time- but just because someone else's house got demolished, doesn't mean that your house being on fire isn't deserving of attention or people rushing to help. Its never a competition as to who has it the worst- and I'm sorry if anyone has ever used that as an excuse to downplay your absolutely valid and real pain. Sorry if this came off as rambling- having a rough night myself, and figured it'd do more good trying to provide a listening ear for others and give what mediocre advice I can than wallow in my own self-flagellation and pity all night.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

I am honestly unsure as to what will happen with the trip. He sometimes talks to me like he used to when we were dating and some days he remarks that there is a reason we are no longer together. He wants me away for sure but he can't let go of me either. I've been dealing with it mostly okay I suppose. I tried going no contact with him but it was really hard. I am afraid this might evolve in a toxic relationship so I am trying to keep it one step at a time.
I've been very clear that I am doing the trip because we got non refundable tickets and it is a dream of ours to see Megadeth live. Otherwise, I might've just ditched the plans altogether.

You give a good point with your analogy. I guess we are very used to as a society to be judged in comparison to someone rather than analyze our own perspectives. All my life my issues have been diminished whenever I brought them up to anyone I thought might help me. In primary school I was bullied daily just because I've always been a different girl and anytime I brought this up to my teachers they would quickly dismiss me. Same with my mom or my dad, they would just say that somebody got it worse than me. Hell, I even remember being in a wheelchair in hospital when I had a bad accident as a kid and a doctor told me I could be in bed. This same feeling also applied to my achievements. Whenever I did good, my parents would bring up X person who did better, even if I got perfect scores. It almost feels like nothing in my life is "worthy" enough no matter how good or bad it is. It's a terrible feeling and I am glad you provided me with a comforting view.

Sorry for the ranting there. I appreciate you greatly :)