SchrodingerIsDed
Student
- Feb 17, 2025
- 187
The plan is within the month, maybe next week. Certainly, I will not persist beyond March. Wow. The time went by so fast....
I still need to see if I can get just a few extra materials to ensure victory--and defeat. Those are riskier though. But if I wanted to, I could do it right now....The thought tantalizes me. But then I delay. I think I still have time. I still have time to eat good foods, watch some good t.v., talk to all of you. Tbh, SaSu is probably even keeping me alive. I don't have anyone who cares about me. You guys are my world right now.
My supplies finally arrived to do the testing I want to do on the sn. I'm going to attempt a melting point test on Technical Grade 99% sn. I'll update with results. I'll also do a aquarium strip test.
I can feel the clock ticking down. I see the people outside, living their lives, following their daily routines. They're not thinking about death all the time. It's beautiful. And I wish I could be that way, too. So carefree, just sitting down in the sun and reading a good book. Not having my entire life fixated on death. Having their dogs follow them around, outside, even more carefree. I feel pangs of desire. If only I could have that white picket fence. That's where I was headed. How did it come to this? But I've been dead for more than a decade. I always wanted death more than I wanted life. It's a cruel joke that my death will come when I don't even want it, really. But such is life. And death.
The only thing I wanted was to live a good proper life, being an upstanding citizen. But the world took that from me. People took that from me. I struggled for years to get on my feet to succeed, to be viewed as something better than dirt. And it wasn't enough. That's fine. It sucks, but also life sucks. All those people I see out there, happy, joyful. Their suffering will come, too. Their deaths will come, too. Why's it matter if mine is coming 50 years early. Who cares. So I can watch my body decay in real time?
A thousand thoughts are rushing through my head. But I find myself wishing I just had the money to hide in my hole for the rest of my life. Just watch t.v., eat good foods, walk around town and do some dumb shopping. I don't even need a partner. I don't need anything but a decent place to live, an internet connection, some decent food, and a small town to do things every now and then.
I guess that's the bargaining stage, huh. I need to try to work towards acceptance. I am dead. I simply am already. That's how I need to think. I've been blessed with extra time. That's all. It was a gift. And I'm glad I had the good moments that I had. Even though it was wrought with terror and pain. There were good things. A lot of really good things. The smell of the air, the feel of the spring winds, the chirping of birds was wondrous, the sight of the mountains and hills and ocean. And even these asshole people. I love them even as I hate them.
I'm so scared. All the time. I know what can happen in this world. I was not properly prepared for it. But I also didn't try for a long time. If only I would have tried. No. It doesn't matter. In a mere 10,000 years no one will remember anyone here. In 100,000 years humanity will likely be gone completely. In 5,000,000,000 years the sun will burn out. Ashes to ashes; dust to dust.
I don't want to die. But I can't live. I've been there already. I've already felt death's kiss not too long ago. This will be easier than that was. That's all. It will be easier. And I won't have to bleed again, even though I always did love the sight of my own blood.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this fear, this SI. But I have to.
I still need to see if I can get just a few extra materials to ensure victory--and defeat. Those are riskier though. But if I wanted to, I could do it right now....The thought tantalizes me. But then I delay. I think I still have time. I still have time to eat good foods, watch some good t.v., talk to all of you. Tbh, SaSu is probably even keeping me alive. I don't have anyone who cares about me. You guys are my world right now.
My supplies finally arrived to do the testing I want to do on the sn. I'm going to attempt a melting point test on Technical Grade 99% sn. I'll update with results. I'll also do a aquarium strip test.
I can feel the clock ticking down. I see the people outside, living their lives, following their daily routines. They're not thinking about death all the time. It's beautiful. And I wish I could be that way, too. So carefree, just sitting down in the sun and reading a good book. Not having my entire life fixated on death. Having their dogs follow them around, outside, even more carefree. I feel pangs of desire. If only I could have that white picket fence. That's where I was headed. How did it come to this? But I've been dead for more than a decade. I always wanted death more than I wanted life. It's a cruel joke that my death will come when I don't even want it, really. But such is life. And death.
The only thing I wanted was to live a good proper life, being an upstanding citizen. But the world took that from me. People took that from me. I struggled for years to get on my feet to succeed, to be viewed as something better than dirt. And it wasn't enough. That's fine. It sucks, but also life sucks. All those people I see out there, happy, joyful. Their suffering will come, too. Their deaths will come, too. Why's it matter if mine is coming 50 years early. Who cares. So I can watch my body decay in real time?
A thousand thoughts are rushing through my head. But I find myself wishing I just had the money to hide in my hole for the rest of my life. Just watch t.v., eat good foods, walk around town and do some dumb shopping. I don't even need a partner. I don't need anything but a decent place to live, an internet connection, some decent food, and a small town to do things every now and then.
I guess that's the bargaining stage, huh. I need to try to work towards acceptance. I am dead. I simply am already. That's how I need to think. I've been blessed with extra time. That's all. It was a gift. And I'm glad I had the good moments that I had. Even though it was wrought with terror and pain. There were good things. A lot of really good things. The smell of the air, the feel of the spring winds, the chirping of birds was wondrous, the sight of the mountains and hills and ocean. And even these asshole people. I love them even as I hate them.
I'm so scared. All the time. I know what can happen in this world. I was not properly prepared for it. But I also didn't try for a long time. If only I would have tried. No. It doesn't matter. In a mere 10,000 years no one will remember anyone here. In 100,000 years humanity will likely be gone completely. In 5,000,000,000 years the sun will burn out. Ashes to ashes; dust to dust.
I don't want to die. But I can't live. I've been there already. I've already felt death's kiss not too long ago. This will be easier than that was. That's all. It will be easier. And I won't have to bleed again, even though I always did love the sight of my own blood.
I don't know how I'm going to get past this fear, this SI. But I have to.
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